...
For everything.
For giving up.
For regretting it.
For being so disappointed in myself in hurts.For becoming the miserable person I am.
For wanting to quit something.
For making you think I won't be good at a job I would rather have.
For not knowing where I go from here.
For everything.
10.07.2009
8.07.2009
Why did the chicken corss the road? (06/24/2009)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side? That's what they tell us.
He was dared? It's possible. It's hard to get the full story in seven words.
A 2 for 1 sale on sailor suits? Unlikely.
We cross the road for many reasons. Maybe who or what we need is on the other side. Maybe everyone else is doing it. Maybe we've been dared or told we can't do it. Or maybe it's as simple as th sidewalk ending.
Everyone is at one of those points. Maybe you're looking for that special someone to spend the rest of your life with. Or maybe that was the only way you tought you could prove your love to them. You could be the followered, afraid you'll get left behind or made fun of if you don't. Oh, I know! You're trying to prove something.
I'm caught between a stop sign and a green light. I want to step on the gas and get on with this journey but I'm questioning my motives. Am I doing this because I want to? Am I afraid of disappointing my family and friends? Am I doing this to prove my enemies wrong?
Over the past few weeks, I've come to fear simple words I used to love.
"I'm proud of you!"
"You're going to do great!"
"We expect great things from you!"
Everytime I hear them, I swear a truckload of guilt comes over me.
Why?
I am doubting everything. Did I look at all my options? Did I decide to quickly? Can I really handle this? Is this God or Satan? How can the stepping stones lead to what seems like an 8-lane highway? If they're excited, shouldn't I be, too?
It's funny how this question is different for everyone. Maybe you've been moving at a safe pace on a quiet country road and now you've come to the intersection. You've got to merge with traffic at a speed you can't comprehend. Perhaps the feat looked too easy, you got cocky, and now you're leaving before it's too late.
Or maybe you're the high school graduate who spent 8-12th grade homeschooled, secluded herself from the world, has zero people skills, has no special talents like her friends and family, and decided she wants to move four hours away even though she has no license, no car, and no job, and she wants to be a psychologist?
Ironic, isn't it?
You see, I'm not a C*, S*, D*, A*, or S*. I don't just jump into things right away. I don't make friends easily. Good grades are something I have to work hard at. I'm not what you'd expect for a pastor's kid. Okay, maybe I'm exactly what you'd expect. But it's not my choice. If I could change all of these things, I would. But there comes that question again - "Why?"
Am I changing them because I feel like a failure without them?
Will my parents, etc. be proud of me for it?
Do I need more friends?
Are my grades not good enough?
Was being a pastor's kid really that bad.
Let me tell you the answers before you leave me comments:
I know I'm not a failure. I've made it this far with what I have I should be proud of that.
My parents are proud of me. (Remember the fear-striking words)
I have amazing friends! It's always nice to make new friends, though.
I have a 3.6 GPA. (For doing it mostly on my own, too.)
And no, it wasn't. I complain way too much. (Sorry about that!)
I know I'm not the only one at the end of thir sidewalk. I have to cross the road at some point. I just pray that when I do, it's for the right reasons.
(*This wasn't the blog from before. I mean, the topic, etc. was, but as far as the whole formation, it's not. I liked the other one better but this is all I could remember. One of those caught in the moment things I guess and now it's gone. But thanks for reading!*)
To get to the other side? That's what they tell us.
He was dared? It's possible. It's hard to get the full story in seven words.
A 2 for 1 sale on sailor suits? Unlikely.
We cross the road for many reasons. Maybe who or what we need is on the other side. Maybe everyone else is doing it. Maybe we've been dared or told we can't do it. Or maybe it's as simple as th sidewalk ending.
Everyone is at one of those points. Maybe you're looking for that special someone to spend the rest of your life with. Or maybe that was the only way you tought you could prove your love to them. You could be the followered, afraid you'll get left behind or made fun of if you don't. Oh, I know! You're trying to prove something.
I'm caught between a stop sign and a green light. I want to step on the gas and get on with this journey but I'm questioning my motives. Am I doing this because I want to? Am I afraid of disappointing my family and friends? Am I doing this to prove my enemies wrong?
Over the past few weeks, I've come to fear simple words I used to love.
"I'm proud of you!"
"You're going to do great!"
"We expect great things from you!"
Everytime I hear them, I swear a truckload of guilt comes over me.
Why?
I am doubting everything. Did I look at all my options? Did I decide to quickly? Can I really handle this? Is this God or Satan? How can the stepping stones lead to what seems like an 8-lane highway? If they're excited, shouldn't I be, too?
It's funny how this question is different for everyone. Maybe you've been moving at a safe pace on a quiet country road and now you've come to the intersection. You've got to merge with traffic at a speed you can't comprehend. Perhaps the feat looked too easy, you got cocky, and now you're leaving before it's too late.
Or maybe you're the high school graduate who spent 8-12th grade homeschooled, secluded herself from the world, has zero people skills, has no special talents like her friends and family, and decided she wants to move four hours away even though she has no license, no car, and no job, and she wants to be a psychologist?
Ironic, isn't it?
You see, I'm not a C*, S*, D*, A*, or S*. I don't just jump into things right away. I don't make friends easily. Good grades are something I have to work hard at. I'm not what you'd expect for a pastor's kid. Okay, maybe I'm exactly what you'd expect. But it's not my choice. If I could change all of these things, I would. But there comes that question again - "Why?"
Am I changing them because I feel like a failure without them?
Will my parents, etc. be proud of me for it?
Do I need more friends?
Are my grades not good enough?
Was being a pastor's kid really that bad.
Let me tell you the answers before you leave me comments:
I know I'm not a failure. I've made it this far with what I have I should be proud of that.
My parents are proud of me. (Remember the fear-striking words)
I have amazing friends! It's always nice to make new friends, though.
I have a 3.6 GPA. (For doing it mostly on my own, too.)
And no, it wasn't. I complain way too much. (Sorry about that!)
I know I'm not the only one at the end of thir sidewalk. I have to cross the road at some point. I just pray that when I do, it's for the right reasons.
(*This wasn't the blog from before. I mean, the topic, etc. was, but as far as the whole formation, it's not. I liked the other one better but this is all I could remember. One of those caught in the moment things I guess and now it's gone. But thanks for reading!*)
5.10.2009
Even though I've got the lines rehearsed a picture only paints a thousand words
From April 21, 2009
The song "Behind the Scenes" by Francesca Battistelli talks about a great performance despite the chaotic events that go on behind the scenes. But she's not talking about a show. It's reality.
Whether you realize it or not, other people are watching you. They watch your attitude, your conversations, your behavior...And you do the same thing. Now, I've become an expert in putting on a facade in front of other people. No matter what they say, people have expectations of you. I feel like my life is being lived under a microscope because when my family does something, it doesn't go unnoticed. It is hard to get five people to put up a front all the time. Not everyone can "pretend" all the time. Our house has always been "the safe place" for us. No matter what happened anywhere else, we can say what we need to say and we aren't judged. But sometimes I get so caught up in this "performace" that I don't allow myself to be me. I forget that there are actually people who aren't looking at me with high expectations. I can say the right words, words I want to believe to be true, but that doesn't mean my actions back them up. If someone asked me what was wrong and I said "I'm fine", I'd better have a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye. People aren't stupid. They know when you're lying. Most of the time, they accept your answer and wait for you to come out with the truth. Sometimes that drives us nuts because we know that they know and they don't do anything about it.
I'm almost positive this didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. My biggest problem with these blogs is I have so many thoughts that I can't really put them into words. I'm sure you get the point though.
The song "Behind the Scenes" by Francesca Battistelli talks about a great performance despite the chaotic events that go on behind the scenes. But she's not talking about a show. It's reality.
Whether you realize it or not, other people are watching you. They watch your attitude, your conversations, your behavior...And you do the same thing. Now, I've become an expert in putting on a facade in front of other people. No matter what they say, people have expectations of you. I feel like my life is being lived under a microscope because when my family does something, it doesn't go unnoticed. It is hard to get five people to put up a front all the time. Not everyone can "pretend" all the time. Our house has always been "the safe place" for us. No matter what happened anywhere else, we can say what we need to say and we aren't judged. But sometimes I get so caught up in this "performace" that I don't allow myself to be me. I forget that there are actually people who aren't looking at me with high expectations. I can say the right words, words I want to believe to be true, but that doesn't mean my actions back them up. If someone asked me what was wrong and I said "I'm fine", I'd better have a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye. People aren't stupid. They know when you're lying. Most of the time, they accept your answer and wait for you to come out with the truth. Sometimes that drives us nuts because we know that they know and they don't do anything about it.
I'm almost positive this didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. My biggest problem with these blogs is I have so many thoughts that I can't really put them into words. I'm sure you get the point though.
It's just a state of mind...or is it?
From February 10, 2009
It's been a constant feeling. I understand the reasons. I've thought about the outcomes. But I've prayed even harder about everything. Sometimes it seems so unfair. You make your feelings known but there is nothing that can be done. Except wait it out. You're so close but still so far. Have you ever been so close to something but couldn't touch it? You wanted so bad just to catch a glimpse of what your life would be like only to realize that you're living in reality?
I daydream a lot. Maybe it's the whole "creative writer" in me. I don't fantasize about my life being better. I look at it as what I would've picked out for me. I realized something, though. In my perfect world, I had all the knowledge I do now. It just came to me. I didn't experience any of it. I can know how to ride a bike, but I won't appreciate it until I have to work on it. The graduation from tricycle to training wheels to two weels. I can't just get on a bike and expect to join Lance Armstrong on one of the Tour de France. Life doesn't work that way. Not even in my day dreams.
Caedmon's Call wrote "Looking back you know you had to bring me through all that I was so afraid of. Though I questioned the sky, now I see why I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view. Looking back I see the lead of love."
I can write until my hand falls off, cry until there's nothing left, scream until I have no voice...but it won't change anything. I'm only making things worse. Even though in the back of my mind, I know that this stuff happens for a reason, I don't want to believe it. It's not like this is the first time I've felt this way or been in this situation. I know what happens. I know what everyone's response is going to be before they do. It's the same old stuff. Why do I keep feeling this way? Why can't I seem to grasp this whole concept with my heart? My head gets it. If it didn't, I wouldn't be writing this. I know not everyone is going to like you. I don't like everyone I meet so why should they be any different? I know sometimes you're not going to like where you are, whether it's a location or a state of mind. I know all of this. This isn't news to me. I guess I just figured it got a little easier each time around. Instead it seems to get harder and harder. I guess I'm just tired of going through this. I feel like this is my fault. You know, like, I should know enough to read the Word and pray and ask for His peace. But I have. I do. I'm not a patient person and I'm not afraid to admit it. But, is that what this is? A test of patience? I know there are lessons to be learned here. I get that. But I just wish that lessons didn't always come with footnotes.
It's been a constant feeling. I understand the reasons. I've thought about the outcomes. But I've prayed even harder about everything. Sometimes it seems so unfair. You make your feelings known but there is nothing that can be done. Except wait it out. You're so close but still so far. Have you ever been so close to something but couldn't touch it? You wanted so bad just to catch a glimpse of what your life would be like only to realize that you're living in reality?
I daydream a lot. Maybe it's the whole "creative writer" in me. I don't fantasize about my life being better. I look at it as what I would've picked out for me. I realized something, though. In my perfect world, I had all the knowledge I do now. It just came to me. I didn't experience any of it. I can know how to ride a bike, but I won't appreciate it until I have to work on it. The graduation from tricycle to training wheels to two weels. I can't just get on a bike and expect to join Lance Armstrong on one of the Tour de France. Life doesn't work that way. Not even in my day dreams.
Caedmon's Call wrote "Looking back you know you had to bring me through all that I was so afraid of. Though I questioned the sky, now I see why I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view. Looking back I see the lead of love."
I can write until my hand falls off, cry until there's nothing left, scream until I have no voice...but it won't change anything. I'm only making things worse. Even though in the back of my mind, I know that this stuff happens for a reason, I don't want to believe it. It's not like this is the first time I've felt this way or been in this situation. I know what happens. I know what everyone's response is going to be before they do. It's the same old stuff. Why do I keep feeling this way? Why can't I seem to grasp this whole concept with my heart? My head gets it. If it didn't, I wouldn't be writing this. I know not everyone is going to like you. I don't like everyone I meet so why should they be any different? I know sometimes you're not going to like where you are, whether it's a location or a state of mind. I know all of this. This isn't news to me. I guess I just figured it got a little easier each time around. Instead it seems to get harder and harder. I guess I'm just tired of going through this. I feel like this is my fault. You know, like, I should know enough to read the Word and pray and ask for His peace. But I have. I do. I'm not a patient person and I'm not afraid to admit it. But, is that what this is? A test of patience? I know there are lessons to be learned here. I get that. But I just wish that lessons didn't always come with footnotes.
You like it...you REALLY like it
From February 3, 2oo9
Obsession.
According to Webster, it is an unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone. In the past 24 hours, obsession has been talked about in at least three of the conversations I've had.
The first time, we were talking about self-mutilation. No, I've never been a part of it so I don't actually have experience with this subject. But I've seen many of my friends go through it. It's not an obsession. It's an addiction. Addiction means being abnormally dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming. Now read what obsession means again. They're not the same. To other people, they may look to be the same, but they're not.
Another conversation was about liking a character in a movie or the actor who plays him/her. You can't be "abnormally dependent" on a person you've never met. To like the person is one thing. Even loving the person is okay. But people take it way too far. Now, I'm not saying that my "fan-girly joy" with the Jonas Brothers is healthy. But my world would definitely keep going if they never sang another song again. I love them and their music. But I'm not obsessed. I know people who are so obsessed they cry everytime their song comes on the radio. They cry!! Everyone has their favorite books, movies, tv shows, characters from those book/movies/tv shows, music, etc. But when your "facination" with the book, movie...whatever, kills the joy other people have with them, you're taking it too far. Certain people have ruined movies for me because that's all they talk about. I'm determined not to let that happen again because of their latest obsession. Just because I don't own everything that goes with that movie, person, etc., doesn't mean I don't like it. It just means it doesn't control my life. I'm sorry but I can live without a doll that looks like a person in a movie. Trust me...you can, too!
Okay so I guess that's mostly venting frustrations with people. Whether they read this or not is okay. Sooner or later they'll hear it. If not from me, someone far less patient. And I'm not a patient person...lol!
Obsession.
According to Webster, it is an unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone. In the past 24 hours, obsession has been talked about in at least three of the conversations I've had.
The first time, we were talking about self-mutilation. No, I've never been a part of it so I don't actually have experience with this subject. But I've seen many of my friends go through it. It's not an obsession. It's an addiction. Addiction means being abnormally dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming. Now read what obsession means again. They're not the same. To other people, they may look to be the same, but they're not.
Another conversation was about liking a character in a movie or the actor who plays him/her. You can't be "abnormally dependent" on a person you've never met. To like the person is one thing. Even loving the person is okay. But people take it way too far. Now, I'm not saying that my "fan-girly joy" with the Jonas Brothers is healthy. But my world would definitely keep going if they never sang another song again. I love them and their music. But I'm not obsessed. I know people who are so obsessed they cry everytime their song comes on the radio. They cry!! Everyone has their favorite books, movies, tv shows, characters from those book/movies/tv shows, music, etc. But when your "facination" with the book, movie...whatever, kills the joy other people have with them, you're taking it too far. Certain people have ruined movies for me because that's all they talk about. I'm determined not to let that happen again because of their latest obsession. Just because I don't own everything that goes with that movie, person, etc., doesn't mean I don't like it. It just means it doesn't control my life. I'm sorry but I can live without a doll that looks like a person in a movie. Trust me...you can, too!
Okay so I guess that's mostly venting frustrations with people. Whether they read this or not is okay. Sooner or later they'll hear it. If not from me, someone far less patient. And I'm not a patient person...lol!
2.02.2009
Hey!
So....
...so much has happened since I was last on here. Of course, my last post wasn't really informative as to what's going on in our lives but still...so much!
Christmas was great! We had Christmas Eve service and came home and opened gifts. On Christmas Day, we got up early, drove to Uncle Gene's, where he made us breakfast and we got to hang out with him and Grandma. Then we went to Aunt Judy's and ate more food. Haha! Spent a few hours there before heading to Papa & Faye's where...you guessed it...we ate more food! It was crazy exhausting but it was fun!
Dad is busy with work, too. Good news is we're growing so much we have to go to 2 services. That's pretty exciting.
Amber had her wisdom teeth out a few weeks later. She was eating Oreos that night. When I had mine out, I was eating pudding and ice cream for like 2 weeks...I didn't even want to eat anything other than that...it hurt too bad!
Aislinn is still drawing all the time. She gave me 2 pictures for my birthday - a painting and a...whatchamacallit...I guess it's just a drawing. I don't know! But yeah...so she's doing that and other stuff, too. Always wanting to drive. ALWAYS!! She's one lesson away from getting her license so she's saying "Can I drive? Please?" Haha! That's okay...better her than me!
Things have been crazy with college stuff coming in the mail pretty much every day or so. It gets overwhelming sometimes but it's okay. Lol! But I've applied to 2 schools and got accepted to one of them (on my birthday...how cool!) so it's going pretty good I guess.
So how bout that Superbowl. Ya know, living in Steeler Country, I just had to go for the Cardinals. And they were doing pretty well last night. Except for that interception by the Steelers when they went in for a touchdown (that wasn't cool in my opinion...lol!) But then we scored and had a 3 point lead and then BAM!!! Another touchdown. Ugh! Oh well...it's okay. The end of football season means that baseball season is starting soon!!! GO YANKEES!!! (I know, I'm gonna get killed here in the Pittsburgh area!)
Okay so yeah...we've been crazy busy. And it's taken me FOREVER to update. I'm sorry!
So....
...so much has happened since I was last on here. Of course, my last post wasn't really informative as to what's going on in our lives but still...so much!
Christmas was great! We had Christmas Eve service and came home and opened gifts. On Christmas Day, we got up early, drove to Uncle Gene's, where he made us breakfast and we got to hang out with him and Grandma. Then we went to Aunt Judy's and ate more food. Haha! Spent a few hours there before heading to Papa & Faye's where...you guessed it...we ate more food! It was crazy exhausting but it was fun!
New Year's Eve we had an open house for the church. That was fun. Got to see the ball drop and bring in 2009. :-)
Mom is working, working, working. Her doctor went to a different office so she's had to get used to that. It's still crazy there with the new systems (or lack there of...) so that's been kind of a bummer for her but...she's doing it!
Dad is busy with work, too. Good news is we're growing so much we have to go to 2 services. That's pretty exciting.
Amber had her wisdom teeth out a few weeks later. She was eating Oreos that night. When I had mine out, I was eating pudding and ice cream for like 2 weeks...I didn't even want to eat anything other than that...it hurt too bad!
Aislinn is still drawing all the time. She gave me 2 pictures for my birthday - a painting and a...whatchamacallit...I guess it's just a drawing. I don't know! But yeah...so she's doing that and other stuff, too. Always wanting to drive. ALWAYS!! She's one lesson away from getting her license so she's saying "Can I drive? Please?" Haha! That's okay...better her than me!
Things have been crazy with college stuff coming in the mail pretty much every day or so. It gets overwhelming sometimes but it's okay. Lol! But I've applied to 2 schools and got accepted to one of them (on my birthday...how cool!) so it's going pretty good I guess.
So how bout that Superbowl. Ya know, living in Steeler Country, I just had to go for the Cardinals. And they were doing pretty well last night. Except for that interception by the Steelers when they went in for a touchdown (that wasn't cool in my opinion...lol!) But then we scored and had a 3 point lead and then BAM!!! Another touchdown. Ugh! Oh well...it's okay. The end of football season means that baseball season is starting soon!!! GO YANKEES!!! (I know, I'm gonna get killed here in the Pittsburgh area!)
Okay so yeah...we've been crazy busy. And it's taken me FOREVER to update. I'm sorry!
1.02.2009
My boys did it!!
Carolina Panthers 2008 Football Season: 12-4
First in their division!
January 10th will determine their position in the championship.
Gah...I'm so excited!!
Two Zero Zero Nine
I am super excited for 2009. Like unbelievelably crazy excited for 2009.
Not just because I'm turning 18, graduating, and going to college. But because I am 1000% determined to make this year way more productive than last year. Not that last year was a "lazy year" but there were so many things I turned down for whatever reason.
And I don't plan on falling down any more stairs, either!
Happy New Year to everyone!
Not just because I'm turning 18, graduating, and going to college. But because I am 1000% determined to make this year way more productive than last year. Not that last year was a "lazy year" but there were so many things I turned down for whatever reason.
And I don't plan on falling down any more stairs, either!
Happy New Year to everyone!
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