From April 21, 2009
The song "Behind the Scenes" by Francesca Battistelli talks about a great performance despite the chaotic events that go on behind the scenes. But she's not talking about a show. It's reality.
Whether you realize it or not, other people are watching you. They watch your attitude, your conversations, your behavior...And you do the same thing. Now, I've become an expert in putting on a facade in front of other people. No matter what they say, people have expectations of you. I feel like my life is being lived under a microscope because when my family does something, it doesn't go unnoticed. It is hard to get five people to put up a front all the time. Not everyone can "pretend" all the time. Our house has always been "the safe place" for us. No matter what happened anywhere else, we can say what we need to say and we aren't judged. But sometimes I get so caught up in this "performace" that I don't allow myself to be me. I forget that there are actually people who aren't looking at me with high expectations. I can say the right words, words I want to believe to be true, but that doesn't mean my actions back them up. If someone asked me what was wrong and I said "I'm fine", I'd better have a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye. People aren't stupid. They know when you're lying. Most of the time, they accept your answer and wait for you to come out with the truth. Sometimes that drives us nuts because we know that they know and they don't do anything about it.
I'm almost positive this didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. My biggest problem with these blogs is I have so many thoughts that I can't really put them into words. I'm sure you get the point though.
Welcome to the lessons I am learning, the memories I am making, and the humor created along the way.
5.10.2009
It's just a state of mind...or is it?
From February 10, 2009
It's been a constant feeling. I understand the reasons. I've thought about the outcomes. But I've prayed even harder about everything. Sometimes it seems so unfair. You make your feelings known but there is nothing that can be done. Except wait it out. You're so close but still so far. Have you ever been so close to something but couldn't touch it? You wanted so bad just to catch a glimpse of what your life would be like only to realize that you're living in reality?
I daydream a lot. Maybe it's the whole "creative writer" in me. I don't fantasize about my life being better. I look at it as what I would've picked out for me. I realized something, though. In my perfect world, I had all the knowledge I do now. It just came to me. I didn't experience any of it. I can know how to ride a bike, but I won't appreciate it until I have to work on it. The graduation from tricycle to training wheels to two weels. I can't just get on a bike and expect to join Lance Armstrong on one of the Tour de France. Life doesn't work that way. Not even in my day dreams.
Caedmon's Call wrote "Looking back you know you had to bring me through all that I was so afraid of. Though I questioned the sky, now I see why I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view. Looking back I see the lead of love."
I can write until my hand falls off, cry until there's nothing left, scream until I have no voice...but it won't change anything. I'm only making things worse. Even though in the back of my mind, I know that this stuff happens for a reason, I don't want to believe it. It's not like this is the first time I've felt this way or been in this situation. I know what happens. I know what everyone's response is going to be before they do. It's the same old stuff. Why do I keep feeling this way? Why can't I seem to grasp this whole concept with my heart? My head gets it. If it didn't, I wouldn't be writing this. I know not everyone is going to like you. I don't like everyone I meet so why should they be any different? I know sometimes you're not going to like where you are, whether it's a location or a state of mind. I know all of this. This isn't news to me. I guess I just figured it got a little easier each time around. Instead it seems to get harder and harder. I guess I'm just tired of going through this. I feel like this is my fault. You know, like, I should know enough to read the Word and pray and ask for His peace. But I have. I do. I'm not a patient person and I'm not afraid to admit it. But, is that what this is? A test of patience? I know there are lessons to be learned here. I get that. But I just wish that lessons didn't always come with footnotes.
It's been a constant feeling. I understand the reasons. I've thought about the outcomes. But I've prayed even harder about everything. Sometimes it seems so unfair. You make your feelings known but there is nothing that can be done. Except wait it out. You're so close but still so far. Have you ever been so close to something but couldn't touch it? You wanted so bad just to catch a glimpse of what your life would be like only to realize that you're living in reality?
I daydream a lot. Maybe it's the whole "creative writer" in me. I don't fantasize about my life being better. I look at it as what I would've picked out for me. I realized something, though. In my perfect world, I had all the knowledge I do now. It just came to me. I didn't experience any of it. I can know how to ride a bike, but I won't appreciate it until I have to work on it. The graduation from tricycle to training wheels to two weels. I can't just get on a bike and expect to join Lance Armstrong on one of the Tour de France. Life doesn't work that way. Not even in my day dreams.
Caedmon's Call wrote "Looking back you know you had to bring me through all that I was so afraid of. Though I questioned the sky, now I see why I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view. Looking back I see the lead of love."
I can write until my hand falls off, cry until there's nothing left, scream until I have no voice...but it won't change anything. I'm only making things worse. Even though in the back of my mind, I know that this stuff happens for a reason, I don't want to believe it. It's not like this is the first time I've felt this way or been in this situation. I know what happens. I know what everyone's response is going to be before they do. It's the same old stuff. Why do I keep feeling this way? Why can't I seem to grasp this whole concept with my heart? My head gets it. If it didn't, I wouldn't be writing this. I know not everyone is going to like you. I don't like everyone I meet so why should they be any different? I know sometimes you're not going to like where you are, whether it's a location or a state of mind. I know all of this. This isn't news to me. I guess I just figured it got a little easier each time around. Instead it seems to get harder and harder. I guess I'm just tired of going through this. I feel like this is my fault. You know, like, I should know enough to read the Word and pray and ask for His peace. But I have. I do. I'm not a patient person and I'm not afraid to admit it. But, is that what this is? A test of patience? I know there are lessons to be learned here. I get that. But I just wish that lessons didn't always come with footnotes.
You like it...you REALLY like it
From February 3, 2oo9
Obsession.
According to Webster, it is an unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone. In the past 24 hours, obsession has been talked about in at least three of the conversations I've had.
The first time, we were talking about self-mutilation. No, I've never been a part of it so I don't actually have experience with this subject. But I've seen many of my friends go through it. It's not an obsession. It's an addiction. Addiction means being abnormally dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming. Now read what obsession means again. They're not the same. To other people, they may look to be the same, but they're not.
Another conversation was about liking a character in a movie or the actor who plays him/her. You can't be "abnormally dependent" on a person you've never met. To like the person is one thing. Even loving the person is okay. But people take it way too far. Now, I'm not saying that my "fan-girly joy" with the Jonas Brothers is healthy. But my world would definitely keep going if they never sang another song again. I love them and their music. But I'm not obsessed. I know people who are so obsessed they cry everytime their song comes on the radio. They cry!! Everyone has their favorite books, movies, tv shows, characters from those book/movies/tv shows, music, etc. But when your "facination" with the book, movie...whatever, kills the joy other people have with them, you're taking it too far. Certain people have ruined movies for me because that's all they talk about. I'm determined not to let that happen again because of their latest obsession. Just because I don't own everything that goes with that movie, person, etc., doesn't mean I don't like it. It just means it doesn't control my life. I'm sorry but I can live without a doll that looks like a person in a movie. Trust me...you can, too!
Okay so I guess that's mostly venting frustrations with people. Whether they read this or not is okay. Sooner or later they'll hear it. If not from me, someone far less patient. And I'm not a patient person...lol!
Obsession.
According to Webster, it is an unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone. In the past 24 hours, obsession has been talked about in at least three of the conversations I've had.
The first time, we were talking about self-mutilation. No, I've never been a part of it so I don't actually have experience with this subject. But I've seen many of my friends go through it. It's not an obsession. It's an addiction. Addiction means being abnormally dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming. Now read what obsession means again. They're not the same. To other people, they may look to be the same, but they're not.
Another conversation was about liking a character in a movie or the actor who plays him/her. You can't be "abnormally dependent" on a person you've never met. To like the person is one thing. Even loving the person is okay. But people take it way too far. Now, I'm not saying that my "fan-girly joy" with the Jonas Brothers is healthy. But my world would definitely keep going if they never sang another song again. I love them and their music. But I'm not obsessed. I know people who are so obsessed they cry everytime their song comes on the radio. They cry!! Everyone has their favorite books, movies, tv shows, characters from those book/movies/tv shows, music, etc. But when your "facination" with the book, movie...whatever, kills the joy other people have with them, you're taking it too far. Certain people have ruined movies for me because that's all they talk about. I'm determined not to let that happen again because of their latest obsession. Just because I don't own everything that goes with that movie, person, etc., doesn't mean I don't like it. It just means it doesn't control my life. I'm sorry but I can live without a doll that looks like a person in a movie. Trust me...you can, too!
Okay so I guess that's mostly venting frustrations with people. Whether they read this or not is okay. Sooner or later they'll hear it. If not from me, someone far less patient. And I'm not a patient person...lol!
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