From February 10, 2009
It's been a constant feeling. I understand the reasons. I've thought about the outcomes. But I've prayed even harder about everything. Sometimes it seems so unfair. You make your feelings known but there is nothing that can be done. Except wait it out. You're so close but still so far. Have you ever been so close to something but couldn't touch it? You wanted so bad just to catch a glimpse of what your life would be like only to realize that you're living in reality?
I daydream a lot. Maybe it's the whole "creative writer" in me. I don't fantasize about my life being better. I look at it as what I would've picked out for me. I realized something, though. In my perfect world, I had all the knowledge I do now. It just came to me. I didn't experience any of it. I can know how to ride a bike, but I won't appreciate it until I have to work on it. The graduation from tricycle to training wheels to two weels. I can't just get on a bike and expect to join Lance Armstrong on one of the Tour de France. Life doesn't work that way. Not even in my day dreams.
Caedmon's Call wrote "Looking back you know you had to bring me through all that I was so afraid of. Though I questioned the sky, now I see why I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view. Looking back I see the lead of love."
I can write until my hand falls off, cry until there's nothing left, scream until I have no voice...but it won't change anything. I'm only making things worse. Even though in the back of my mind, I know that this stuff happens for a reason, I don't want to believe it. It's not like this is the first time I've felt this way or been in this situation. I know what happens. I know what everyone's response is going to be before they do. It's the same old stuff. Why do I keep feeling this way? Why can't I seem to grasp this whole concept with my heart? My head gets it. If it didn't, I wouldn't be writing this. I know not everyone is going to like you. I don't like everyone I meet so why should they be any different? I know sometimes you're not going to like where you are, whether it's a location or a state of mind. I know all of this. This isn't news to me. I guess I just figured it got a little easier each time around. Instead it seems to get harder and harder. I guess I'm just tired of going through this. I feel like this is my fault. You know, like, I should know enough to read the Word and pray and ask for His peace. But I have. I do. I'm not a patient person and I'm not afraid to admit it. But, is that what this is? A test of patience? I know there are lessons to be learned here. I get that. But I just wish that lessons didn't always come with footnotes.
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