Christmas Day, our family went to see "Tangled", the latest (and reportedly last, though I'll believe it when I see it) installment in the Disney Princess franchise. We follow Rapunzel and Flynn through probably the most hilarious adventure of all the fairy tales.

Picture it: Pittsburgh Mills, 2010. I'm sitting in the theater, awe struck. While it may not be Disney's finest film, this is the first princess movie (worth seeing) in, what? Four years? And that was "Enchanted", a sort of spoof on all of the princesses. I left wishing I had magical hair that glowed when I sang. I mean, Rapunzel proved it to be very useful! I still don't understand why I don't have that power. I've recited that healing incantation I don't know how many times! It got me thinking about all of the princes and princesses throughout Disney history: their personalities, quirks, characteristics, powers, dreams, desires, just everything.

I had to go back to 1937. Snow White was the fairest of them all. (The mirror said so!) She was only fourteen, her head full of dreams of her true love. She sees the good in everyone. Once the Evil Queen discovers Snow White is the most beautiful in all the land, she sets out to kill her. Snow White wonders into a house where seven dwarfs live. They take her in and try to protect her. Once the queen learns Snow White is still alive, she disguises herself as an 'old hag', gives Snow an apple, tells her to make a wish, and watches her die. The dwarfs find her and put her in a glass box where the Prince finds her. He kisses her and she wakes up. Together they live happily ever after.

Fast-forward to 1950 and we meet who is ultimately the most well-known princess of all - Cinderella. We all know the story: Her step-mother and step-sisters treat Cinderella as their slave, hiding her away from the world until a ball at the royal palace. Cindy makes a wish and with the help of her fairy godmother. Cindy dances with Prince Charming until the stroke of midnight, because that's when the spell will be broken. She leaves her shoe behind in the rush out, Prince Charming picks it up and spends the following days searching for the girl he danced with. Despite all of the scheming the step-family does, Prince Charming finds Cinderella, they marry, and live happily ever after.

In 1959, we are introduced to Aurora, a delightfully sophisticated 16-year old. There are a lot of spells, a lot of fairies, and a lot of magic. Too much for a paragraph. Aurora is beautiful and she can sing, gifts given to her by two of the good fairies. The evil fairy, Maleficent, puts her in a trance. She tries to kill Aurora, but the third fairy uses her spell to put Aurora to sleep. Prince Phillip, whom she met earlier in the forest (not knowing who he was), hears of this tragedy. He sets to kill Maleficent, who transforms into a dragon. After she is dead, he awakens Aurora with a kiss.

Thirty years passed before Disney told us the story of a 16-year old mermaid named Ariel. She was the rebellious daughter of King Triton. She dreamed of being human, walking around on those - What do you call them? Oh, feet! She rescues Prince Eric after the crew had to jump ship during a fire. He was mesmerized by her singing voice. He set out to find her. Meanwhile, Ariel makes a deal with Ursula. Ursula would make Ariel a human if Ariel would give her her voice. Once on land, Ariel is found by Prince Eric but has no way of telling him that she is the one he is looking for. And yet again, we find that "the kiss of true love" is the only thing that can break the spell. Ursula decides she wants to take Ariel's place and be Princess. She transforms herself into a beautiful woman, using Ariel's voice to convince Prince Eric she is the one who he will marry. With the help of her animal friends, they are able to prove to Prince Eric that Ariel is his true love. They marry and live happily ever after...on land.

The most beautiful love story ever told. This paragraph might be a little biased, but I'm going to try. We met Belle in 1991. After her father is taken hostage at the enchanted castle, she takes his place, proving her self-less love for her father. The Beast is take aback with this act of love, he gives her her own room. As the feelings of hatred and resentment turn to love and acceptance, Beast gives Belle the library. And when word of her father's illness gets to her, the Beast shows his self-less love for her and let's her go. But as we know with true love, it always finds a way. Belle returned to the castle as the villagers were trying to kill Beast. As Beast draws his final breath, Belle confesses her love for him. The spell is broken and everyone in the enchanted castle returns to their human selves.

In 1992, we go on an adventure to the fictional land of Agrabah. Aladdin is a street urchin and Princess Jasmine is...well...a princess. Her father wants her to marry a prince. When she runs away, she meets Aladdin. He saves her from being arrested. She orders them to set him free. When told to talk to Jafar (the evil villain of this tale), he tells Jasmine that Aladdin has already been executed. However, Aladdin is living in a cave. He possessed a magic lamp and when he rubbed the lamp, Genie appeared giving him three wishes. He wished to be a prince. Prince Ali goes to the Sultan's house and attempts to woo Jasmine. In the meantime, Aladdin is taking Jasmine on magic carpet rides throughout Agrabah. Jafar threatens their relationship when Prince Ali's true identity is revealed. After some more magic, revenge, and kicking of evil's butt, Sultan agrees to let Jasmine marry whomever she wants, and she chooses Aladdin.

We met a "based on a true story" princess in 1995 with a young Native American woman named Pocahontas. She fell in love with a "white man" named John Smith even though she was to marry Kocoum. Throughout the movie, Pocahontas' relationship with John Smith jeopardizes her people and her commitment to them. When John Smith is captured by her people, Pocahontas is devastated but stays strong to figure out a plan to save the man she loves. Once war has been declared, Pocahontas saves John Smith from execution. Chief Powatan agrees to let John go free. When an angry Governor Ratcliffe attempts to shoot the Chief, John steps in the path of the bullet. John must go to back to England, and although he asked Pocahontas to go with him, she understands her duties to her people. "I'll always be with you, forever," she told him as they carried him to the boat. They wave goodbye in Powatan fashion.

Before the turn of the century, we traveled to Asia where we were introduced to the unlikely princess, Mulan. Not fit for a bride and constantly disappointing her family, Mulan feels as if she will never be the person her people want her to be. When war has been declared, her father (who is in poor health) has been ordered to serve. Mulan can't stand the thought of her frail father in battle so she takes his place. Mulan gives the men a run for their money when it comes to training for battle. Once it is discovered that Mulan is female, Shang is angry that he had been fooled. After being thrown out of the army, Mulan heads home, but hears of the enemy's plans. She goes to Shang and tells him everything. Fast forward through the sword fights, the fireworks, and the cranky dragons, Mulan was given the royal crest for saving the Emperor's life. Shang and Mulan (as the sequels tell us) live happily ever after.

In 2007, we meet what is probably the most...enchanting princess (no pun intended). Giselle hails from Andalasia. She meets Prince Edward there and is set to marry him. The day of the wedding, Queen Narissa sends Giselle down the wishing well to stop the wedding and keep her crown. Giselle finds herself in the busy city of New York. She meets Robert and his daughter, Morgan. They help Giselle find her true love, Prince Edward. Over the course of the day, Giselle finds herself falling in love with Robert. (He's the only person who has ever made her angry!) Once Prince Edward finds Giselle in NYC, they go out on a date, a strange custom for the fairy tale world. They go to the ball that Robert and his girlfriend, Nancy, attend. There, the evil Queen Narissa tries to poison Giselle with an apple. Since this is a Disney movie, only true loves kiss (the most powerful thing in the world) can break the spell. Robert kisses Giselle and they live happily ever after, right? Wrong! First they have to destroy Queen Narissa who has now transformed into a hideous dragon. Only then can they live happily ever after.

We meet the first "true" Disney princess to come from America in 2009 with Tiana. She is a talented singer and chef with dreams of owning her own restaurant. But Tiana insists on working for the things she wants. One day she meets this frog who talks. Turns out he's Prince Naveen. All she has to do is kiss him and he'll be a human again. Wrong-o! She turns into a frog, too. One thing leads to another and we learn Prince Naveen was going to marry Charlotte. Tiana insists that Prince Naveen pay for her restaurant to start up, once they return to their human bodies, of course. After their adventure, they learn to love each other. When they were unable to change back, they decide to marry as frogs. When they kissed, they transformed back to themselves. Naveen keeps his promise and opens a restaurant for Tiana. (All together now...) And they lived happily ever after.

Now, we all know that most of these fairy tales came from the Brothers Grimm. The dark, gory tales of evil and good that Disney sprinkled with pixie dust to make happy, wholesome movies for families. With Rapunzel, we get a whole new look on this tale. We knew that her mother was going to die if she didn't get the healing nectar from the flower created by the piece of sun that fell from the sky. Her child was born with that nectar flowing through her body. Mother Gothel, a miserable old woman, kidnapped the princess for her selfish needs. Rapunzel grew up in a tower, unable to escape or see the world around her. Mother Gothel feared Rapunzel would find out she was the lost princess. Her only friend was a chameleon named Pascal. One day, Flynn Rider encounters Rapunzel and they strike up a deal. If he takes her to see the lanterns that appear every year on her birthday, she will give him back his satchel (which contained the princess' crown that he stole) They set off on (my completely unbiased opinion, of course) the funniest adventure Disney has told us. Full of frying pans, sassy horses, and singing villagers, as well as an evil "mother", vengeful thieves, and hilarious dialogue, Rapunzel and Flynn grown quite fond of each other. Mother Gothel "rescues" her from the thieves and takes her back to the tower where Flynn goes to save her. Mother Gothel stabs Flynn in the torso and when Rapunzel tries to heal him, he cuts her hair, ceasing Mother Gothel's reasons for keeping Rapunzel. They return to the castle, where the King and Queen welcome both with open arms. And after years of asking, Flynn says yes to marrying Rapunzel and they live happily ever after.


Okay...after that brief summary (haha!) of all of the Disney Princess movies, I want to give my opinion. That's what I do best, right?

Everyone knows my favorite princess is Belle. She is a loving, free-spirit who doesn't care about appearances. Her head is full of thoughts and dreams longing for adventure and excitement. After she meets Beast, her dreams have matured. She no longer wonders what is out there in the world because she has found her true love. She loves Beast in spite of his hideous appearance. She taught Beast, as well as the rest of the castle inhabitants, an important lesson in self-less, unconditional love. She was beautiful, inside and out.

My favorite prince is...Eugene Fitzherbert. Girl with crazy long blog say what?! Eugene Fitzherbert, aka Flynn Rider is seriously  my favorite prince. "Don't you think you're being a bit ridiculous? "Tangled" just came out. That's jumping the gun, right?" Well, you're wrong. You're still reading this, so I'm guess you want to know why. Flynn may have started out as a quick-witted thief, but he quickly learned that there was so much more to life than stealing. While other princes made their princesses dreams come true, he helped Rapunzel make her own dreams come true. He experienced all of the ups and downs of helping this naive girl with a simple dream. He chased her dreams, helped her find a new dream, and even as he was dying, he was putting Rapunzel's life before his own. And don't forget his smolder. That was definitely something awesome, right? Okay, okay, so I let my being a girl slip in there.

In every movie, there is a theme song.

• Snow White sang "Someday My Prince Will Come", a dream-like song of being rescued by her true love.

• Cinderella sang "A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes", which encourages to never stop dreaming.

• Aurora's song, "Once Upon A Dream", is about dreaming of her prince and hoping one day it will come true.

• Ariel sang "Part Of Your World" about wishing she could be human, dancing with her prince, and living happily ever after.

• "Beauty And The Beast" is actually sang by Mrs. Potts, but is about Belle and Beast's relationship. It talks about a rocky start but a softening of the heart.

• If only I could go on a magic carpet ride to "A Whole New World" like Aladdin and Jasmine. It discusses the world of both the physical and emotional. (Probably my favorite...ever!)

• Pocahontas sang "If I Never Knew You" with John Smith. A chance encounter can change a life forever.

• Mulan confessed her insecurities in "Reflection"

• Giselle gave us guidelines to love in "That's How You Know", the bubbly song that is probably currently stuck in your head.

• Tiana was "Almost There" when it came to her dreams. She wasn't giving up, either.

• Rapunzel found what she was looking for in "I See The Light" - the literal and metaphorical definition to her life.

If you are still reading this, congratulations! This was probably better in my head. Now that I look at how insanely long this post is (took me hours to research and write this!) I'm like...whoa! But give me a break - I had 73 years of movies to discuss! Maybe you learned something about a movie, prince, princess, me or maybe yourself. I just hope it wasn't for nothing.
Oh...and if anyone wants to have a princess movie marathon with me, let me know!!

Chiquita, Tell Me What's Wrong

Do you remember when I posted that the book "The Bluebird and the Sparrow" by Janette Oke is the story of my life?

I'm starting to wonder if I will ever get over it. I try to, but it's so very, very hard. The problem isn't that I hate them...and yet, that is exactly the problem. There is an Arab Proverb that summarizes what I am trying to say - "Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharp, but jealousy sees the sharpest for it is love and hate at the same time." I did not believe it the first time I read it, but now that I am seeing how much of these feelings I have in my life, I can see how it is true. I see how it applies to my life and how I'm letting it eat at me.

Things seem to come so easy for them. And when they aren't going easy, they blame everyone else for their misery when it was clearly their choice from the get-go. Someone who sits their and criticizes people for doing the exact same thing they do is a hypocrite. I just don't get it. Why is it you can tell someone something over and over again, and they still don't get it? They probably just don't care. Selfish people who complain when our lives go on without them. They haven't made any effort to be a part of our lives, why should we sit around waiting for them? Exactly, we can't. 

All I can think of is starting in May, everything is going to start changing. God, I hope it's for the better because 2010 has been a (pardon my French, Ma!) way suckish year. I've had enough and want things to change. At this point, we could be snowed in our house for the rest of the year and I wouldn't be surprised. No melodramatics there, either. But until then, I'm driving myself insane with this over-emotional, over-analytical person I am. 

Part of me wants to be left alone from everyone - friends, neighbors, church, family - but the other knows I need them. Unfortunately, the pro/con list in my mind is longer in the "left alone" column. But if I burn bridges now, where do I go when I grow up and realize my immaturity?




Have all my questions been ignored? Time stands still, so do I. Leave me here.

Feeling down? There's a Taylor Swift song for that!

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world

Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine
Could you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh yeah
But that's okay

Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission
But I'm ready to fly

Holding on my rope...

I stand alone, or so it seems,
Nobody can tell.
The feelings building up in me
Starting to swell.

It's been this way for far too long,
I don't understand.
So tired of singing the same song,
I've lost all I am.

Feeling worthless, not good enough,
All I do is cry;
Begging for one thing to love,
I think I might die.

A failure to communicate,
Another lost call;
I don't even recognize
Myself at all.

Six years ago, my grandmother passed away from a long battle with breast cancer. It was a difficult time for my family because my grandmother was what everything was centered around. She was the glue that held our family together. From the closet full of candy to the weekend camping trips, she was always a part of our lives.

After her passing in September, a song came on the Christian airwaves called "Dancing With The Angels" by (the incredibly underrated!) Monk & Neagle. There could not have been a greater song to come at that time of grieving. The words expressed feelings we were unable to during that time. It also got us through the deaths of my great-grandparents.

Recently, a friend of ours lost their battle with cancer. He was seven years old. Not long after that, my uncle passed away. For some reason, I couldn't find comfort in "Dancing With The Angels" That's when I turned to the very talented Danny Gokey and his song "I Will Not Say Goodbye" This song was about his wife who passed away from a heart condition. The music video shows several military families dealing with the loss of their brave family members in war. This song speaks volumes about the different emotions: Grief, denial, anger, acceptance.

These songs got me through those difficult times. My family has lost a lot of people close to us over the past six years. It just doesn't seem fair that we're going on with our lives without them. It's been really hard planning Aislinn's wedding without my grandmother. She would be having so much fun! And if you knew my grandmother, you know how true that is. She would be glowing more than Aislinn! My uncle had a great laugh that is missed at parties. It's funny the things you miss about a person once they're gone. The stories my great-grandparents used to tell that made you wonder if they were real or if their were just entertaining you...good times.

Last week, two people I care about got diagnosed with cancer. My cousin is a very fun, sweet lady who has colon cancer in her liver. The other is a 17-year old kid from the church I used to go to who has leukemia. I know way too many people who have had cancer or still do. I just have to say that I HATE hearing when someone has cancer. I HATE IT! Nothing makes my heart sink more than hearing someone, especially someone I know and love, has been diagnosed with that evil disease.

So while this started out as a post on grieving, I think these songs still fit in with the previous paragraph. I'm dealing with this news in the best way I can. If it comes in melodic form, than so be it. I need to be brave for them. Then again "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid" (Franklin Jones)

____________________________-
Sometimes the road just ends
It changes everything you've been
And all that's left to be
Is empty, broken, lonely, hopin'
I'm supposed to be strong
I'm supposed to find a way to carry on

I don't wanna feel better
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye

They keep saying time will heal
But the pain just gets more real
The sun comes up each day
Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying
If I can keep on holding on
Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you're gone

I will curse
I will pray
I'll relive everyday
I will shoulder the blame
I'll shout out your name
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say
Will not say goodbye
(Danny Gokey - I Will Not Say Goodbye)


_________________________
Memories surround me
But sadness has found me
I’d do anything for more time
Never before has someone meant more
And I can’t get you out of my mind

There is so much that I don’t understand
But I know…

You’re dancing with the angels
Walking in new life
You’re dancing with the angels
Heaven fills your eyes
Now that you’re dancing with the angels

You had love for your family
Love for all people
Love for the Father, and Son
Your heart will be heard
In your unspoken words
Through generations to come

There is so much that I don’t understand
But I know

We’re only here for such a short time
So I’m gonna’ stand up, shout out,
And sing Hallelujah
One day I’ll see you again
(Monk & Neagle - Dancing With The Angels)

To the most amazing friend I could ask for...

Sometimes you think you'll be fine by yourself

'Cause a dream is a wish that you make all alone

It's easy to feel like you don't need help

But it's harder to walk on your own

You'll change inside when you realize

The world comes to life and everything's bright

From beginning to end when you have a friend by your side

That helps you to find the beauty you are

When you open your heart and believe in the gift of a friend

The gift of a friend

Someone who knows when you're lost and you're scared

And there through the highs and the lows

Someone you can count on, someone who cares

Beside you wherever you'll go

You'll change inside when you realize

The world comes to life and everything's bright

From beginning to end when you have a friend by your side

That helps you to find the beauty you are

When you open your heart and believe in the gift of a friend

And when your hope crashes down

Shattering to the ground you, you feel all alone

When you don't know which way to go

And there's no signs leading you home, you're not alone

The world comes to life and everything's bright

From beginning to end when you have a friend by your side

That helps you to find the beauty you are

When you open your heart and believe in

When you believe in, when believe in the gift of a friend

From "Lion's Mouth" To The "Great Wide Somewhere"

I was walking out of Macy's at the Mills when I saw it. I was ecstatic! Here we are sporting our winter coats because the weather called for snow and dwelling in the grassy parking lot island was this dandelion. One lonesome dandelion in perfect condition. The wind was something fierce today, too. Yet there it stood...unaffected by the world around it.

Laugh if you must, but dandelions are my favorite flower. I know, they are nature's beautiful yellow garbage, but I love them. I've never really minded having them in the yard. It reminded me of a fun, summery-spring day. I knew that if I waited long enough, I could make a wish and send the seeds flying into the air. It wasn't until I read "The Cowboy Next Door" that I found a new appreciation for them. At one point in the story, Jay finds Lacey weeding her yard. That is, except for the dandelions. When he points out the ones she has missed, she tells them how special they are to her. They are strong, stubborn plants that have their roots dug in deep. Sooner or later, though, they become to fragile in their current place that they must set off into the wind wherever it may lead. Of course I am paraphrasing and summarizing, but you get the idea. The dandelion metaphor spoke directly about Lacey's life. I'm learning it also applies to my life, especially now. I am beside myself trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with my life. That's no secret. I'm caught between that sunshine-y yellow blossom and that fragile nest of seeds waiting to be set free. While I know I'm still growing and learning and trying to find myself, I know that a time will come for me to close my eyes, make a wish, and set myself free.

Have you ever tried to pick a dandelion? It seems no matter where you choose to pick it from (blossom, stem, etc) you always break the stem. I've had to use a lot of muscle to actually pull a dandelion out of the ground by its roots. It has a strong foundation for such a little flower. Dandelion is French, meaning "lion's mouth"...coincidence?

My favorite Disney princess story (and my favorite lyric from the entire movie) has a scene where the main character is running through the field singing "I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell..." After this line, she settles into a patch of dandelions and blows the seeds into the air. It's a metaphor! While this girl was proud of where she came from and loved the people who made her life complete, she knew she was meant to go places. And that she did.

Since reading "The Cowboy Next Door", my background on my phone, myspace, and twitter page have all had the same background. It is a mason jar full of dandelions, the kind waiting to be set free. (I have a thing with mason jars!) I also have a picture I took of a dandelion in my driveway. Our driveway is pretty long and this was the ONLY one in the driveway summer before last. I took a picture of it. They are constant reminders of how life compares to a dandelion. We need strong roots to remind ourselves if someone tries to break us, we know where we stand. We need to wait for our time to be released into the great wide somewhere.

I really, really want snow right now.

It just seems appropriate.



"It's still winter in my wonderland...I'm waiting for the scene to change..."

To my favorite teacher who told me never give up
To my 5th grade crush, who I thought I really loved
To the guys I miss, and the girls we kissed
Where are you now?

To my ex best friend, don't know how we grew apart
To my favorite band, and sing alongs in my car
To the face I see, in my memories
Where are you now?

Where are you now?
'Cause I'm thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like i do
If it wasn't for you I would never be who I am

To my first girlfriend, I thought for sure was the one
To my last girlfriend, sorry that I screwed this up
To the ones I loved and didn't show it enough
Where are you now?

I know I'll never see those days again
And things will never be that way again
But that's just how it goes
People change, but I know
I won't forget you

To the ones who cared and were there from the start
To the love that left, and took a piece of my heart
To the few who'd swear, I'd never go anywhere
Where are you now?

If it wasn't for you I'd be nothing
Where are you now?

____________________________________________________

It's funny the people and memories that come to mind when you're in the midst of finding yourself. Between the backstabbing friends and the rumor millers to the confidants and the favorite cousins. All of them left a piece of themselves with me. Some people gave me thicker skin, some gave me a bigger heart. All of these things have made me the person I am. And I'm grateful. There are so many people I want to thank. It's got me wondering what kind of people I will encounter in the future. What kind of person will they help me become? Will they ever know the impact they will have on my life.

With all of these thoughts running through my head, I can't help but wonder what kind of impact I'm having on other people's lives. (In a totally modest way, of course!) I mean, I know I'm not the nicest person in the world but am I causing more harm than I realize with my "grr you don't scare me" attitude? Am I being too nice to certain people? Maybe too forgiving? Perhaps I'm being too forgiving to the wrong people? Maybe I should have "taught them a lesson they'll never forget"? I don't know. I know that I probably shouldn't be focused on the impact I've had but rather the impact I am having and will have in the future.

Now while some of the lyrics don't apply to me, the song I posted above (Where Are You Now by Honor Society) is a song that puts into words what I couldn't seem to write. For the two-faced liars and the arms that held me when they made me cry, thank you. Wherever you are, know that your footprints on my life have never been lost, undervalued, or forgotten. This song is for you...

I ain't got no car
And I’ve got one pair of jeans
They've been stretched too far
And now they're weak at the seams
I can't say what's next
And I got nothing up my sleeve
But I don't lose my head
‘Cause it ain't really up to me

And I'm doing just fine I’m always landing on my feet,
In the nick of time, and by the skin of my teeth
I ain't gonna stress cause the worst ain't happened yet
Something’s watching over me like Sweet Serendipity

I don't ask for a lot
No, nothing more than I need
Because I love what I got
Don't need to play the lottery
I just wanna be strong
At the end of the road
I don't want to hold on I want the strength to let go

And I'm doing just fine I’m always landing on my feet
In the nick of time, and by the skin of my teeth
I ain't gonna stress cause the worst ain't happened yet
Something’s watching over me like Sweet Serendipity

And what will be will be
In the nick of time and by the skin of my teeth
I ain’t gonna stress cause the worst ain’t happened yet
Something’s watching over me like Sweet Serendipity

Don't look fate can only find you
You can't choose for something to surprise you
Set sail without a destination
Just see where the wind will take you
You never know where you’re gonna fall
But I’m not worried, oh I’m not worried at all

I'm afraid it's been too long to try to find the reasons why
I let my world close in around a smaller patch of fading sky
But now I've grown beyond the walls to where I've never been
And it's still winter in my wonderland

I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

Someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong.

'Cause I have had enough.

When the caterpillar thinks his world is ending, he becomes a butterfly...

I'm no stranger to feeling overwhelmed. That's a part of life. But lately (okay, for the past three years or so), I've had a constant, never-ending battle with these feelings of being overwhelmed. Quite frankly, I'm done.

I'm hanging onto the knot I've tied at the end of my rope.

I thrive on taking care of others. I would much rather spend the day cleaning the house for my parents than go to a movie for me. It's what I do. It's, like, second nature to me. I often get into trouble with it, too. This past Saturday, I got, well, (I don't want to say "yelled at" because I wasn't, but the point was clearly expressed with an elevated vocal level and a stern tone) because I wasn't doing anything for myself. I was too concerned with making everyone else happy that I was making myself miserable. That is both true and false. While, like I said before, I thrive on it, I tend to focus all of my energy on that instead of important questions like "What do I want to do with your life?" or "What is it that I like doing?" In my last blog, I said that I don't know who I am anymore and I think it might be just a matter of perspective when it comes to dealing with the same situations just different people and/or locations. I am just overwhelmed with school, family, friends, these changes going on inside of me that I can't make heads or tails of. Questioning my existence, my passions, everything I've ever thought was right. I shouldn't be, but I am. Albert Einstein said "You cannot solve a problem with the same consciousness that created it." Something has to change and since the problems won't, I must. I want to break out of this funk I've been in for three year. I want to be able to look in the mirror and actually love the person I see looking back at me. Right now she is a stranger and I can't deal with her anymore.

I don't know if I should be posting this or not. I don't know if my parents still read this or if they'll appreciate me saying this but I'm going to. It's a significant part to this post. I have decided to take a break from church. I am dealing with stuff and I don't want church getting in the way. (Before you comment saying that church people are there to help, I get it. I do. I know that God is there, too, but that's not the point.) I think I just need some time to be lost. To search for my life and the person I want to be.
I just wish I could afford it. I can't get a job...ANYWHERE! Not even flipping burgers at Dairy Queen or stocking shelves at Giant Eagle. No one wants me. I've searched for a year for a part-time job. Nothing. "You don't have what we're looking for." What does that even mean? How qualified do you have to be to work at WalMart or McDonald's? Of course, there's the small hindering detail that I don't have a license. I don't want my license, though. But I'd have a ride to work, though. I either want to move to the city where I can catch a bus to work or find a Stars Hollow type town and live happily ever after there.

But all of that is far away. Unfortunately, I'm stuck in the "too close to home" zone. Not physically, but mentally.

Too many tears. Too many desperate pleas. Too many unanswered questions. Too many problems. Too many possibilities. Too many people. Too many restless nights. Too many posts about my feelings of being overwhelmed, not being good enough, not knowing who I am, and all of the above.

...by the way, I'm still waiting for my butterfly...

"Maybe I will never be who I was before. Maybe I don't even know her anymore..."

The song is playing in my head. It doesn't end. Over and over I hear that line. I'm scared to death to admit it, but I think it's right. I'm not the same person I was. The past three years have been absolute chaos for my life. Inside and out. I try so very hard to hide it. Most of the time, I do pretty well. Other times, I just can't help but show it. I gotta say, for someone who wants so much out of her life, she sure doesn't expect to get it. I hate that about myself. Why do I let myself get this way? Unrecognizable. Unbearable. Unlike me. But then again, who am I? I don't even know anymore. The things I loved doing, I feel like I have to drag myself to do them. The things that I was satisfied with are no longer making me happy. Maybe it's growing pains. Yeah, I'm sure it is. That awful feeling when you know everything is changing and there is nothing you can do to stop it? Yeah, I have that all the time. It's not like when we moved or when Dad lost his job. It's different. It's personal. One of my favorite lyrics from "The Call" by Regina Spektor is Just because everything's changing doesn't mean it's never been this way before. I guess it's all about perspective. Things will always change. It's inevitable. Sometimes things change the same way they did before, but we don't see it that way. We're not the same people we were before. We've grown up. Matured. Gained experience. I guess that's kind of the point, huh? The question remains, though: Who am I now?

Shallow, yet somehow still important facts about Caitlin

I love to read. It's an escape that never seems to last long enough.
My favorite dog is a beagle. I plan on having one named Cornelius Collin (Corny), Augustine Anderson (Auggie), or Francesca Finley (Franny). *Recently decided MORK and MINDY are a MUST for my dog's names!*
I have not be blessed with any sort of music talent like the rest of my family.
Someday I hope to write a book and have it published. I am always making up stories that my hand can't write down fast enough and they all get jumbled together.
I have way too many dreams about celebrities. Most of which try to kill me in my dreams but...
I absolutely love the West during the 1800s. I think I was born in the wrong century.
All of my cell phones have had names: Jane, Lyla, and now Margot.
I think James Marsden (and a few others) is just too gorgeous and everyone knows that.
I can't wait to go to Italy in the future.
I've always wanted to learn to figure skate.
I'm a PK but I'm not a brat. Most people get that whole concept confused.
I don't trust people easily so don't take it personally. And once I do trust you, please don't break that trust because you only get one second chance.
I love ladybugs. I decorated my phone and mp3 with ladybug stickers. Totally makes my day!
I never win a bet. Ever.
My "fairytale" is to live in Tuscany and be a writer. With my dog, of course.
I love mint. Candles, teas, coffees, lotions...doesn't matter.
I'm Team Jacob. No swaying me there.
I am very good at psyching my friends out. Once, I had them believing I'm pregnant. Then I told them I bought a house in Gettysburg and was moving in August. Needless to say I have some pretty forgiving friends.
I'm worse than a guy when it comes to asking for directions. Aislinn calls them "adventures"
I'm an English major.
"Love Song For No One" and "Haven't Met You Yet" always put me in a good mood.
I love jammin' to Hanson when I clean. Who am I kidding? I love jammin' to Hanson a lot!
I still cheer when Gibby takes his shirt off. It's Gibby! You kinda have to!
I hate country music, but I wish I had a country singing voice.
As you can see, I'm a mass of contradictions.
I am scared to death of birds.
I am technologically challenged. I keep saying I need to find a Leonard (from "Big Bang Theory") so I don't have to worry about any of that.
I love crying. Not because I'm depressing, but because it's a small way to prove it's not a dream.
I'm really working on my patience with stupid people. And by stupid, I mean people who know better but do it anyway.
My swear words are usually people's names.
If someone is really awesome, he is referred to as "Antonio Banderas cool" True story.
I have to make a to-do list for the next day as I'm getting ready for bed. I freak if I don't have one.
I wish I understood everything, but then again, I don't.
I wish some things were just easier. Everyone does.

Honest Cries of the Exasperated Soul

Dear God,

Same old story. I'm asking You for guidance in what You want me to do with this life You've given me. My life feels like a roller coaster. One day, I'm content, and the next day I'm wishing I hadn't gotten on the ride. So many obstacles, challenges and variables to be considered. There are so many options. But all anyone is saying is "What is it that you want to do?" That's just it. I want to do what You want me to do. The problem is I don't know what that is. I think about the disciples and how they gave up everything and followed You. I don't feel that passion. But I want to. More than anything, I want to follow You with reckless abandon. I want to be willing to give it all up without a second thought.

I want know why You are putting us through this. There, I said it. I'm tired of thinking everything happens for a reason. I don't think it does. I feel like our prayers are bouncing off the sky. Your Word says You hear them and that everything will come to us in time. But how long do we have to wait? How long do I have to wait? I've been searching for a place to belong for years and have yet to find it. Will I ever? Or am I destined to be a loner? I know what the Bible says, but this isn't words on a page...this is my life! I want to know why I am all over the place. Why can't I find a career that's right for me when I've been praying to You for years about it? Why is it when I think I've found it, You tell me no and then keep quiet for a while? And then I do it all over again! WHY?

Faithfully, we have served You. For as long as I can remember, we have put You before anything else. Why do we feel like that wasn't good enough? Why do we feel like we're on a waiting list? All we want are answers. We're not asking for a
million dollars or all of our wishes to come true. We just want answers.

I am crying out to You like I always have only now my heart is heavy. My soul is tired. My mind is overwhelmed. I can't wait any longer. What am I supposed to do until You decide it's time to reveal Yourself to me? Before You show Your magnificent plan for my life? I am drowning in a sea of bitterness and I desperately want out. I don't want to end up resenting You or Your people. I simply want security and confirmation of Your hand at work in my life. Right now, I don't see it. I haven't for a while. This prayers has probably seemed bitter and angry. That's because I am. God, I'm sorry for my thoughts and actions. Please, just let us know You're still there.

Love,
Your daughter

Lifehouse - Broken

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.

Honestly, I'm not that strong.

I'm not alright... that's why I need you.

I'm losing myself trying to compete with everyone else instead of just being me. Don't know where to turn. I've been stuck in this routine. I need to change my ways instead of always being weak. I don't wanna be afraid. I wanna wake up feeling beautiful today and know that I'm okay 'cause everyone's perfect in unusual ways. So you see, I just wanna believe in me. The mirror can lie - it doesn't show you what's inside. It can tell you you're full of life. It's amazing what you can hide just by putting on a smile. I'm quickly finding out I'm not about to break down, not today. I guess I always knew that I had all the strength to make it through. I'm not gonna be afraid. I'm gonna wake up feeling beautiful today and know that I'm okay 'cause everyone's perfect in unusual ways. You see, now I believe in me,



I was so unique, now I feel skin deep. I count on the make-up to cover it all. Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention. I thought I could be strong but it's killing me. Does someone hear my cry? I'm dying for new life. I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe, look inside my heart, and be amazed. I want to hear you say who I am is quite enough. Just want to be worthy of love and beautiful. Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me. Fighting to make the mirror happy. Trying to find whatever is missing. Won't you help me back to glory? You make me beautiful. You make me stand in awe. You step inside my heart, and I am amazed. I love to hear You say who I am is quite enough. You make me worthy of love and beautiful.

ASP 2010

I went with Bessemer Presbyterian Church to Winfield, Tennessee from July 17-24. I participated in a project called Appalachia Service Project or ASP. I expected to be shocked. I was. I expected to be changed. I did. I expected to grow. Boy, did I grow. Not just spiritually, but I think in all areas. I mean, my muscles sure got a work out! My opinion and outlook on my team changed. But I think for the first time, I saw complete strangers as my brothers and sisters in Christ. I mean REALLY saw us as one body working toward a common goal for different people to glorify one God. It was an amazing thing to experience. It may not sound too impacting, but for someone who has done her very best not to let her heart become bitter toward her fellow believers, this was huge. In a totally new and pain-free way, too.
“It’s a metaphor!” I said it all week. I can’t help that everything I saw, heard, and did were metaphors. (I’m an English major, whataya expect?) Everything from the fruit loops we at for breakfast to texturing a ceiling to a leaky hallway were spiritual metaphors. The one that sticks out in my mind was day one on the roof for me. The roof was tore apart. There was a hold from where Alex put his foot through it, tools and cords spread across the panels, and screws and nails glistened in the sun creating a minefield. One wrong step and I was a goner. So, Alex put me in charge of nailing down the bases for the roof. I was fine with that until he told me where he wanted them. Uh...did he know that falling was pretty much the only thing I was good at this week? Of course not! But everyone else was doing what they were supposed to so I did it. The first six nails went great. I was very proud. I slowly inched my way up and nailed the next row. The closer I got to the edge, the harder I prayed. This happened for about four rows. I found myself with one left to do and there was no way I was getting it done. I looked around and found no one else on the roof. Now the last thing Alex said to me was “Now don’t you go falling off the roof.” Yeah...right. So, Sam (the man we worked for) came out and got Alex for me. He got the nail and everyone went back to work.
What’s the metaphor, you ask? Even though I was scared out of my mind, I still did what I needed to do. Yes, I needed help toward the end, but I turned to my brothers and sisters in Christ and they helped me out. No questions asked. I pray that now I’m back, I don’t lose sight of this. It may seem silly or shallow, but it was impacting for me, nonetheless.
That was just one of the “God moments” (every moment is a God moment!) that happened that week. No one was injured, no one got sick (well, at the worksite!), no one died...it was a good week. Some tempers were tested but never lost. It was a productive week. We met the sweetest man with the saddest story. I will never forget him.
We had fun, too. Johnny Cash and Jerry Lee Lewis sing-a-longs all week in the van. Jerry! Late-night Sonic trips for devotionals. Air mattresses. “Grace? She died 30 years ago!” Olivia’s gray hair.
I had a great week with a group of people I did not know. It is crazy how you have to travel 500 miles with someone you’ve been acquaintances with pretty much your whole life before you get to know them. I learned that some people are just...well...beautiful.
Potato. Potahto. Either way you spin it, it was a humbling experience I will truly cherish. I will never forget this trip. I cannot wait to join ASP next summer.

A blessing and a curse?

Everything has an equal and opposite reaction, right? There wouldn't be a top if there wasn't a bottom. There wouldn't be a good if their wasn't an evil.

I'm learning (quite painfully, I might add) about how my actions, thoughts, and feelings have good consequences and bad ones.

I love my family and friends. I put up with a lot of crap from them, too. But I still love them. I'm terrified of what might happen to them. I'm scared for them and their consequences. I know that I must let them live their lives and learn from their mistakes but I can't help but get involved. That causes friction and "talks from Mom" on how I'm only their sister or friend and there's nothing I can do. A blessing and a curse.

Because of my insanely infinite love for these people in my life, I want to be a part of everything they do. I don't wanna be so caught up in my own life that I don't seem to care about what is going on in their lives. So maybe I've missed out on some opportunities. That doesn't mean I won't get others. But I've seen too many people lose people they love and wished they would've spent more time with them. I don't want to do that. But I don't want to miss out on my own life, either. I need to find a balance which is harder than I thought. A blessing and a curse.

I guess what I'm trying to do is gain some independence but not lose sight of what is important. To not forget where I come from and what's going on. I never, ever want to be too busy to call Mom or meet Dad for coffee. But I want to have a career, a social life, and a great life in general. But no one can do that for me anymore. I'm 19 years old. It's time I start acting like it.

The Bluebird and the Sparrow - Janette Oke

Story of my life...

I need to get over it, but that's a lot harder than I thought.

While I'm Waiting...

Raise your hands if you like Chris Rice? And I'm talking to you, because everyone, at one point or another, has loved at least one Chris Rice song. He is one of the greatest lyricist in the history of Christian music. He can sum up my feelings in a 3 minute song. My personal favorites by him are "Smell the Color 9" and "Everything's OK" (posted below)

The reason for this post is to describe the mixed emotions I am feeling at this point in the game. Dad is no longer the pastor of CCPR (as of May 30) and we are at the end of our sidewalk. We're waiting for either a taxi or a green light. Maybe we're waiting to merge into traffic. Whatever the case may be, we're waiting. And we all know how waiting in traffic can be. Well, I'm learning life is the same way.

Remaining calm and relaxed in situations where patience is required is one of the hardest things I have had to learn. Since last September, I have been up and down, back and forth, zig-zagging all over the place. The reason? The future. The future is one scary thing. Everyone knows that. And for me it's been a constant nagging (mostly self-induced) and discouragement for me. I get this ideas in my head and I think they're great. And then I get a few minutes to really think about the idea and I hate it. But, at the same time, I love it. I changed my major three times last year. "That's normal. A lot of people do that." NOT CAITLIN!! She has always had a plan. But, now God has decided to rock my world a little bit and put me through this test of patience and obedience. Quite frankly, I am sick of it at this point.

But I keep smiling. I keep praying. I keep searching my options. This entire time, I have prayed for a burning bush. An answer so inescapably clear that there is no other explanation than it is of God. I've come to realize how subtle burning bushes can be. As I sit here typing this, I still do not know if these subtle burning bushes (though it seems ironic, doesn't it?) are of God or my own mind. I have had people tell me that I'm going to be a children's pastor. I've prayed about that. I've prayed and prayed and read scripture after scripture and feel absolutely no calling to be a children's pastor. Does that mean their liars or false prophets? I don't think so. I've known these people for a long time and they're nothing but genuine. Who knows? Maybe I'll marry a children's pastor. I have felt I'm being called to work with kids. Definitely not children, though. I don't know what that means or what will come of it. But, while I'm waiting, I will just keep smiling and praying and looking for the answer. That's all I can do. I am determined to not let myself get in a "funk" and I will hold tight to the promises He has given me. Until then, I'm embracing these lyrics and humming the melody.
__________________________________________________________

Looked out my window last night
From my pillow and I
Saw the willow weeping a casual sigh
The man in the moon looked rather
Sad and confused as if he'd
Become a mirror to my watery eyes
I dreamed and prayed through the night
"Please send some grace with Your morning light."

Then He sent you along like a summer day
With a blue-sky smile on your funny face
And a bird flew by singing "Everything's gonna be okay!", yeah
So we laughed all day with the man in the moon
And we thanked the Good Lord for the afternoon
'Cause He showed me His love by sending me you
And it's okay, now
Everything's okay

I open my window tonight
Hear the rain falling light
Whispering that everything is alright
A long, low, and gentle rumble
Starts in the west and tumbles
Across the corners of the colorless sky
I blow a kiss through the dark
Sails on the thunder, reaches Heaven's heart

_________________________________________________________

I would take no for an answer,
Just to know I heard you speak,
And I'm wondering why I've never,
Seen the signs they claim they see,
A lotta special revelations,
Meant for everybody but me,
Maybe I don't truly know You,
or maybe I just simply believe...

Cause I can sniff, I can see, and I can
count up pretty high; but these faculties
aren't getting me any closer to the sky,
but my heart of faith keeps poundin' so
I know I'm doin' fine but sometimes findin
you is just like tryin to smell the color nine.
Smell the color nine...

Now I've never felt the presence,
But I know You're always near,
And I've never heard the calling,
But somehow You've led me right here,
So I'm not lookin' for burnin' bushes,
Or some Divine graffiti to appear,
I'm just beggin You for Your wisdom,
And I believe You're puttin' some here...

________________________________________________________

...I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
I will worship
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait

It's all just "too much"

This is what came to mind as I watched my dry erase board fall off of my door tonight.

Too much thinking. Too much happening. Too much noise. Too much silence. Too much attitude. Too much grace. Too much anger. Too much pain. Too much love. Too much hate. Too much night. Too much day. Too much for me but You smile and say "Too much doubt. Not enough faith. Too much worry. Not enough praise. My child, this is but a grain of sand. Let me be Your refuge. Take my hand."

Did you know...

...people still come on here and read what I post?





I didn't. I guess it's time to start watching what I say. :p

Confessions of Caitlin: Episode One

Question: Do you ever know that something is right but at the same time, everything about it feels so wrong?

Story of my life. Okay, so just the past few months of my life, but you catch my drift. What is it about certainty that scares me almost as much (if not more) than uncertainty?

Maybe it's because if something is legit, it's going to happen. It's a growing experience. And if there is anyone out there that dreads growing opportunities, it's Caitlin.

Everything stresses me out. I try not to let it happen, but it seems the more I tell myself to relax and stay calm, the more I freak out. Totally not fair, in my opinion. I have so many things I want to do during my lifetime but anytime I get close to actually making them happen, I back out. Maybe that's why I don't have many friends. And I can't blame them. Who wants to be friends with someone who makes plans and says they're going to do something, and then backs out at the last minute? I don't like those people. I have to say, though, that I have come a LONG way. A few years ago, I wouldn't even go to slumber parties. Now I'm spending weekends out of town. I'm actually doing stuff. And do you know what? It scares the crap outta me!! I gotta say, while some of the stuff is fun and exciting and totally off the wall, some of it makes me wish I was 5 years old again and Mommy & Daddy could pick me up whenever I was feeling homesick. Unfortunately, that's happened way too often. I got homesick the other day at my best friend's house. I wasn't bored, I wasn't angry or sad, I wasn't having a horrible time, I didn't get in a fight with her...I was just homesick. I was only gone for 2 days. I think it's becoming more of a problem instead of a habit.

I'm pink, give me a second to get back to my question. BUT if you were paying attention, you'd notice that it all goes together.

I have changed my major from psychology to office management and back to psychology this past year. Yes, I'm just a freshman. I hated psychology! Why on earth did I go back? Because, well, I'm not entirely sure. I just knew I didn't want to be a secretary for the rest of my life. Welp, now that the semester is over, I'm undecided. I kind of want to be an English teacher. Well, I want to major in English and there's not a whole lot you can do with an English major. And there seem to be a lot of burning bushes telling me that this is right. But I can't bring myself to say it out loud. If I do, then people expect me to do it. I'm tired of the looks that people have given me when they ask what my major is. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Well, a lot of people do that, don't worry" and then give me the look of either disappointment or "psh, yeah right". People are defined by their jobs in this world. And, though I try not to think of it that way, that's the way other people do and I have to take into consideration that my decisions effect other people. Something that I have no control over. Sometimes I wish the haters would be vocal about it. Sometimes I think I need that motivation to prove them wrong. But my haters aren't vocal about it. A lot of people don't understand why I want that, why it bothers me. They say "It's none of their business what you do or how you do it" Well, I say their wrong, but not entirely. While others don't know exactly what is going on in my life, they do know me. At least a little bit. Some people know me better than I want them to. They can see me doing things that I would have never considered. Of course, I know there are people just throwing stuff out there to mess with me or to make me laugh, but not everyone is like that. I don't want to be a psychologist, like a lot of people want me to be. I would have never considered it, though, if someone hadn't mentioned it. The same way with this English teacher thing. I've always loved English, I just never thought about teaching it. But, now that I think about it, I think I might actually like it. But I don't know. I don't want to go into a major with good intentions. I want to know that I know that I know that this is right.

I'm not one to rely on people emotionally. At least, I think I'm not. Maybe I am. I don't know. But I'd rather work something out on my own than to ask for help. Maybe because in the past the ones that said they would help me through it, left me or treated me as if it was a bother to them. (And I don't think I'm a nagging person, am I?) The most I'll do is let my friends and family know what I'm feeling. But I like to figure things out on my own. I go to them for advice once in a while, though. But I find myself, when I'm reading a book or watching a movie, wanting the relationship that the characters have. I just seem to shelter myself from that, though. I don't know how I can want something so badly, but then turn it away?

It's the same things with certainty and uncertainty. I want to know exactly what's going on all the time but then when I know, I feel like a failure because I'm not "living in the moment" I'm stuck.

So...the point of this blog? Not really sure. I mean, if you're still reading this - KUDOS! Lol! It's just been a long few months and I need answers to a lot of questions. And I am going to try to accept the answers with a willing heart and mind and not get scared. I will not run away. I will not blame others. I will take responsibility for myself. I will do everything I can, ONE STEP AT A TIME, to become the strong, independent woman I know that God has called me to be.

Seeds of Success

i will forget yesterday with all its trials and tribulations, aggravations and setbacks, angers and frustrations. the past is already a dream from which i can neither retrieve a single word nor erase any foolish deeds.

i will condition myself to look on every problem i encounter today as no more than a pebble in my shoe. i will remember the pain so harsh i could barely walk and recalling the surprise when i remove my shoe and found only a grain of sand.

Mini-Rants

Sometimes, Christians do the wrong thing. They let a curse word slip out, they tell a lie, the go too far with their girlfriend/boyfriend. I mean, we’re all human. We were born into sin. No one taught us to do these things. Did you really teach your child to lie to you or to steal a candy from the store? No, of course not. But what about the people who don’t know any better? What’s to be said about them?

As Christians, shouldn’t it be our job to make sure we are setting the ultimate example? Of course, to err is human. Everyone knows that. But what about to be saved is to give 100% of yourself to God and His people and making sure that it glorifies him? What about that?

With all of the deaths happening in Hollywood lately, it’s got me thinking about the people in my own neighborhood that I don’t know that have passed away, whether from natural causes or mankind. Corey Feldman said something that really made me go “Uh huh!” After the passing of his best friend, Corey Haim, he said “I appreciate the support from everybody, but where were these people during the last 10 years of his life?” That was like a sucker punch to the chest. I don’t even know my neighbors names! What kind of example am I setting for other people? I know better? I know what Christ wants me to be doing. But instead, I’m sitting here blogging about what I should be doing instead of actually doing it. I need to be reaching out to people. Even if they reject me, I still know that I did something I was supposed to do instead of just talking about it. I think that’s a lot of Christian’s problem. They know how to talk the talk (well, most of them) but they can’t walk the walk. And then there are the Christians that are trying (and you know they are) but can’t get it right. And for me, while I show grace on that because I know their heart and I know what they’re going through, I still get frustrated and disappointed. Some things are hard to give up, I understand that, but what gets me is the cursing. How hard is it to say something stupid like “Aw snap” or “Dangcrapit”. I mean, really? You don’t have to curse. While there is nothing in the Bible (from what I can find) about swearing, it’s still not something Christians should go around doing. I mean, would Jesus use the kind of language in your tv shows? I was watching 7^th Heaven today with my friend and Annie (the minister’s wife) said “ass”. Never, in the 11 years the show was on did I hear her swear. Yes, she was angry and hurt and frustrated. And I give her kudos for going through everything she went through with those rebellious children of theirs. Okay before I go further I must say that I am a pastor’s kid. I know that they’re are pedistals that we are placed on because we are supposed to be holier than the other Christians. That is so NOT true.

The truth is we are all humans. We are all lost at sea. If we really look at it that way, we should know that if we help each other along the way, the reward will be far greater than doing it alone. But that’s not how some people see it. Some see it as if we think we are better than everyone else. Listen up, I have never felt that way about anyone. Even the homeless man on the streets. It’s not the way I was raised and it’s not the way I plan on raising my children. Why? Because if my King can eat with sinners and walk the streets with lepers, the least I can do is love them.

Honestly I think what the world needs is respect. I’m pretty sure, as sure as a 19 year old girl can be, that if everyone had respect for each other and themselves that our problems would be solved. If there was respect, we wouldn’t have abortions, orphanages, world hunger, poverty, AA meetings, drug rehab, STDs, prejudice, racism, jails filled with criminals of all ages....I mean look around you. Turn on the news! I was watching the news in January and the top headlines for 2009 were highlighted. Only ONE story out of those headlines was positive. Just ONE! And that was the Hudson River plane story. Do you know what I want to see on the news? Stories of reconciliation. Stories of people turning their life around. I want to get to the point where I turn on the news and know that I won’t have to cover my ears or close my eyes just to avoid the turmoil they will be showing.

Our world is falling apart. But we’re too concerned with the animals and the environment to care about the dying souls and the broken hearts in our own neighborhood. God didn’t send the polar bears to win souls to Christ. He sent YOU and ME. But for some reason, some idiot politician brainwashed our planet into thinking it’s our fault for the hole in the ozone layer and global warming. I have to say...SHUT UP!!!! Sir, you need to know that Jesus is not concerned with the ozone layer. He’s more concerned with the condition of your heart, which, quite frankly, isn’t bearing any Christ-like fruit. Sure, you want to help the planet and I’m all for that because God made it and it was once the perfect place until man decided to take things into his own hands. And while some of the natural beauty is still there, I’m tired of seeing empty, abandoned building collecting graffiti and garbage. Make it into a rescue shelter or a youth center. Something that will draw people in and win them to Christ. It’s the least we can do, am I right?

Oh, and whoever said rules were meant to be broken obviously wasn't on the other end of the rule when they said that. It's one thing to bend it but to outright defy and disrespect it, especially to a parent or a boss, is one of the most inconsiderate things you can do. "Little girls" need to learn that they have to follow rules just as much as the person before them did. And it'd be nice to know what's going on in your own house. I hate Facebook for that very reason. I have to find out everything on there, even who my own sister is dating. How shallow have we become?

Sorry for the mini-rants. I'm sure more will be coming. Just the way it's going right now.