This is what came to mind as I watched my dry erase board fall off of my door tonight.
Too much thinking. Too much happening. Too much noise. Too much silence. Too much attitude. Too much grace. Too much anger. Too much pain. Too much love. Too much hate. Too much night. Too much day. Too much for me but You smile and say "Too much doubt. Not enough faith. Too much worry. Not enough praise. My child, this is but a grain of sand. Let me be Your refuge. Take my hand."
Welcome to the lessons I am learning, the memories I am making, and the humor created along the way.
5.15.2010
Did you know...
...people still come on here and read what I post?
I didn't. I guess it's time to start watching what I say. :p
I didn't. I guess it's time to start watching what I say. :p
5.09.2010
Confessions of Caitlin: Episode One
Question: Do you ever know that something is right but at the same time, everything about it feels so wrong?
Story of my life. Okay, so just the past few months of my life, but you catch my drift. What is it about certainty that scares me almost as much (if not more) than uncertainty?
Maybe it's because if something is legit, it's going to happen. It's a growing experience. And if there is anyone out there that dreads growing opportunities, it's Caitlin.
Everything stresses me out. I try not to let it happen, but it seems the more I tell myself to relax and stay calm, the more I freak out. Totally not fair, in my opinion. I have so many things I want to do during my lifetime but anytime I get close to actually making them happen, I back out. Maybe that's why I don't have many friends. And I can't blame them. Who wants to be friends with someone who makes plans and says they're going to do something, and then backs out at the last minute? I don't like those people. I have to say, though, that I have come a LONG way. A few years ago, I wouldn't even go to slumber parties. Now I'm spending weekends out of town. I'm actually doing stuff. And do you know what? It scares the crap outta me!! I gotta say, while some of the stuff is fun and exciting and totally off the wall, some of it makes me wish I was 5 years old again and Mommy & Daddy could pick me up whenever I was feeling homesick. Unfortunately, that's happened way too often. I got homesick the other day at my best friend's house. I wasn't bored, I wasn't angry or sad, I wasn't having a horrible time, I didn't get in a fight with her...I was just homesick. I was only gone for 2 days. I think it's becoming more of a problem instead of a habit.
I'm pink, give me a second to get back to my question. BUT if you were paying attention, you'd notice that it all goes together.
I have changed my major from psychology to office management and back to psychology this past year. Yes, I'm just a freshman. I hated psychology! Why on earth did I go back? Because, well, I'm not entirely sure. I just knew I didn't want to be a secretary for the rest of my life. Welp, now that the semester is over, I'm undecided. I kind of want to be an English teacher. Well, I want to major in English and there's not a whole lot you can do with an English major. And there seem to be a lot of burning bushes telling me that this is right. But I can't bring myself to say it out loud. If I do, then people expect me to do it. I'm tired of the looks that people have given me when they ask what my major is. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Well, a lot of people do that, don't worry" and then give me the look of either disappointment or "psh, yeah right". People are defined by their jobs in this world. And, though I try not to think of it that way, that's the way other people do and I have to take into consideration that my decisions effect other people. Something that I have no control over. Sometimes I wish the haters would be vocal about it. Sometimes I think I need that motivation to prove them wrong. But my haters aren't vocal about it. A lot of people don't understand why I want that, why it bothers me. They say "It's none of their business what you do or how you do it" Well, I say their wrong, but not entirely. While others don't know exactly what is going on in my life, they do know me. At least a little bit. Some people know me better than I want them to. They can see me doing things that I would have never considered. Of course, I know there are people just throwing stuff out there to mess with me or to make me laugh, but not everyone is like that. I don't want to be a psychologist, like a lot of people want me to be. I would have never considered it, though, if someone hadn't mentioned it. The same way with this English teacher thing. I've always loved English, I just never thought about teaching it. But, now that I think about it, I think I might actually like it. But I don't know. I don't want to go into a major with good intentions. I want to know that I know that I know that this is right.
I'm not one to rely on people emotionally. At least, I think I'm not. Maybe I am. I don't know. But I'd rather work something out on my own than to ask for help. Maybe because in the past the ones that said they would help me through it, left me or treated me as if it was a bother to them. (And I don't think I'm a nagging person, am I?) The most I'll do is let my friends and family know what I'm feeling. But I like to figure things out on my own. I go to them for advice once in a while, though. But I find myself, when I'm reading a book or watching a movie, wanting the relationship that the characters have. I just seem to shelter myself from that, though. I don't know how I can want something so badly, but then turn it away?
It's the same things with certainty and uncertainty. I want to know exactly what's going on all the time but then when I know, I feel like a failure because I'm not "living in the moment" I'm stuck.
So...the point of this blog? Not really sure. I mean, if you're still reading this - KUDOS! Lol! It's just been a long few months and I need answers to a lot of questions. And I am going to try to accept the answers with a willing heart and mind and not get scared. I will not run away. I will not blame others. I will take responsibility for myself. I will do everything I can, ONE STEP AT A TIME, to become the strong, independent woman I know that God has called me to be.
Story of my life. Okay, so just the past few months of my life, but you catch my drift. What is it about certainty that scares me almost as much (if not more) than uncertainty?
Maybe it's because if something is legit, it's going to happen. It's a growing experience. And if there is anyone out there that dreads growing opportunities, it's Caitlin.
Everything stresses me out. I try not to let it happen, but it seems the more I tell myself to relax and stay calm, the more I freak out. Totally not fair, in my opinion. I have so many things I want to do during my lifetime but anytime I get close to actually making them happen, I back out. Maybe that's why I don't have many friends. And I can't blame them. Who wants to be friends with someone who makes plans and says they're going to do something, and then backs out at the last minute? I don't like those people. I have to say, though, that I have come a LONG way. A few years ago, I wouldn't even go to slumber parties. Now I'm spending weekends out of town. I'm actually doing stuff. And do you know what? It scares the crap outta me!! I gotta say, while some of the stuff is fun and exciting and totally off the wall, some of it makes me wish I was 5 years old again and Mommy & Daddy could pick me up whenever I was feeling homesick. Unfortunately, that's happened way too often. I got homesick the other day at my best friend's house. I wasn't bored, I wasn't angry or sad, I wasn't having a horrible time, I didn't get in a fight with her...I was just homesick. I was only gone for 2 days. I think it's becoming more of a problem instead of a habit.
I'm pink, give me a second to get back to my question. BUT if you were paying attention, you'd notice that it all goes together.
I have changed my major from psychology to office management and back to psychology this past year. Yes, I'm just a freshman. I hated psychology! Why on earth did I go back? Because, well, I'm not entirely sure. I just knew I didn't want to be a secretary for the rest of my life. Welp, now that the semester is over, I'm undecided. I kind of want to be an English teacher. Well, I want to major in English and there's not a whole lot you can do with an English major. And there seem to be a lot of burning bushes telling me that this is right. But I can't bring myself to say it out loud. If I do, then people expect me to do it. I'm tired of the looks that people have given me when they ask what my major is. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Well, a lot of people do that, don't worry" and then give me the look of either disappointment or "psh, yeah right". People are defined by their jobs in this world. And, though I try not to think of it that way, that's the way other people do and I have to take into consideration that my decisions effect other people. Something that I have no control over. Sometimes I wish the haters would be vocal about it. Sometimes I think I need that motivation to prove them wrong. But my haters aren't vocal about it. A lot of people don't understand why I want that, why it bothers me. They say "It's none of their business what you do or how you do it" Well, I say their wrong, but not entirely. While others don't know exactly what is going on in my life, they do know me. At least a little bit. Some people know me better than I want them to. They can see me doing things that I would have never considered. Of course, I know there are people just throwing stuff out there to mess with me or to make me laugh, but not everyone is like that. I don't want to be a psychologist, like a lot of people want me to be. I would have never considered it, though, if someone hadn't mentioned it. The same way with this English teacher thing. I've always loved English, I just never thought about teaching it. But, now that I think about it, I think I might actually like it. But I don't know. I don't want to go into a major with good intentions. I want to know that I know that I know that this is right.
I'm not one to rely on people emotionally. At least, I think I'm not. Maybe I am. I don't know. But I'd rather work something out on my own than to ask for help. Maybe because in the past the ones that said they would help me through it, left me or treated me as if it was a bother to them. (And I don't think I'm a nagging person, am I?) The most I'll do is let my friends and family know what I'm feeling. But I like to figure things out on my own. I go to them for advice once in a while, though. But I find myself, when I'm reading a book or watching a movie, wanting the relationship that the characters have. I just seem to shelter myself from that, though. I don't know how I can want something so badly, but then turn it away?
It's the same things with certainty and uncertainty. I want to know exactly what's going on all the time but then when I know, I feel like a failure because I'm not "living in the moment" I'm stuck.
So...the point of this blog? Not really sure. I mean, if you're still reading this - KUDOS! Lol! It's just been a long few months and I need answers to a lot of questions. And I am going to try to accept the answers with a willing heart and mind and not get scared. I will not run away. I will not blame others. I will take responsibility for myself. I will do everything I can, ONE STEP AT A TIME, to become the strong, independent woman I know that God has called me to be.
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