The reason for this post is to describe the mixed emotions I am feeling at this point in the game. Dad is no longer the pastor of CCPR (as of May 30) and we are at the end of our sidewalk. We're waiting for either a taxi or a green light. Maybe we're waiting to merge into traffic. Whatever the case may be, we're waiting. And we all know how waiting in traffic can be. Well, I'm learning life is the same way.
Remaining calm and relaxed in situations where patience is required is one of the hardest things I have had to learn. Since last September, I have been up and down, back and forth, zig-zagging all over the place. The reason? The future. The future is one scary thing. Everyone knows that. And for me it's been a constant nagging (mostly self-induced) and discouragement for me. I get this ideas in my head and I think they're great. And then I get a few minutes to really think about the idea and I hate it. But, at the same time, I love it. I changed my major three times last year. "That's normal. A lot of people do that." NOT CAITLIN!! She has always had a plan. But, now God has decided to rock my world a little bit and put me through this test of patience and obedience. Quite frankly, I am sick of it at this point.
But I keep smiling. I keep praying. I keep searching my options. This entire time, I have prayed for a burning bush. An answer so inescapably clear that there is no other explanation than it is of God. I've come to realize how subtle burning bushes can be. As I sit here typing this, I still do not know if these subtle burning bushes (though it seems ironic, doesn't it?) are of God or my own mind. I have had people tell me that I'm going to be a children's pastor. I've prayed about that. I've prayed and prayed and read scripture after scripture and feel absolutely no calling to be a children's pastor. Does that mean their liars or false prophets? I don't think so. I've known these people for a long time and they're nothing but genuine. Who knows? Maybe I'll marry a children's pastor. I have felt I'm being called to work with kids. Definitely not children, though. I don't know what that means or what will come of it. But, while I'm waiting, I will just keep smiling and praying and looking for the answer. That's all I can do. I am determined to not let myself get in a "funk" and I will hold tight to the promises He has given me. Until then, I'm embracing these lyrics and humming the melody.
__________________________________________________________
Looked out my window last night
From my pillow and I
Saw the willow weeping a casual sigh
The man in the moon looked rather
Sad and confused as if he'd
Become a mirror to my watery eyes
I dreamed and prayed through the night
"Please send some grace with Your morning light."
Then He sent you along like a summer day
With a blue-sky smile on your funny face
And a bird flew by singing "Everything's gonna be okay!", yeah
So we laughed all day with the man in the moon
And we thanked the Good Lord for the afternoon
'Cause He showed me His love by sending me you
And it's okay, now
Everything's okay
I open my window tonight
Hear the rain falling light
Whispering that everything is alright
A long, low, and gentle rumble
Starts in the west and tumbles
Across the corners of the colorless sky
I blow a kiss through the dark
Sails on the thunder, reaches Heaven's heart
_________________________________________________________
I would take no for an answer,
Just to know I heard you speak,
And I'm wondering why I've never,
Seen the signs they claim they see,
A lotta special revelations,
Meant for everybody but me,
Maybe I don't truly know You,
or maybe I just simply believe...
Cause I can sniff, I can see, and I can
count up pretty high; but these faculties
aren't getting me any closer to the sky,
but my heart of faith keeps poundin' so
I know I'm doin' fine but sometimes findin
you is just like tryin to smell the color nine.
Smell the color nine...
Now I've never felt the presence,
But I know You're always near,
And I've never heard the calling,
But somehow You've led me right here,
So I'm not lookin' for burnin' bushes,
Or some Divine graffiti to appear,
I'm just beggin You for Your wisdom,
And I believe You're puttin' some here...
...I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
I will worship
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
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