"Maybe I will never be who I was before. Maybe I don't even know her anymore..."

The song is playing in my head. It doesn't end. Over and over I hear that line. I'm scared to death to admit it, but I think it's right. I'm not the same person I was. The past three years have been absolute chaos for my life. Inside and out. I try so very hard to hide it. Most of the time, I do pretty well. Other times, I just can't help but show it. I gotta say, for someone who wants so much out of her life, she sure doesn't expect to get it. I hate that about myself. Why do I let myself get this way? Unrecognizable. Unbearable. Unlike me. But then again, who am I? I don't even know anymore. The things I loved doing, I feel like I have to drag myself to do them. The things that I was satisfied with are no longer making me happy. Maybe it's growing pains. Yeah, I'm sure it is. That awful feeling when you know everything is changing and there is nothing you can do to stop it? Yeah, I have that all the time. It's not like when we moved or when Dad lost his job. It's different. It's personal. One of my favorite lyrics from "The Call" by Regina Spektor is Just because everything's changing doesn't mean it's never been this way before. I guess it's all about perspective. Things will always change. It's inevitable. Sometimes things change the same way they did before, but we don't see it that way. We're not the same people we were before. We've grown up. Matured. Gained experience. I guess that's kind of the point, huh? The question remains, though: Who am I now?

Shallow, yet somehow still important facts about Caitlin

I love to read. It's an escape that never seems to last long enough.
My favorite dog is a beagle. I plan on having one named Cornelius Collin (Corny), Augustine Anderson (Auggie), or Francesca Finley (Franny). *Recently decided MORK and MINDY are a MUST for my dog's names!*
I have not be blessed with any sort of music talent like the rest of my family.
Someday I hope to write a book and have it published. I am always making up stories that my hand can't write down fast enough and they all get jumbled together.
I have way too many dreams about celebrities. Most of which try to kill me in my dreams but...
I absolutely love the West during the 1800s. I think I was born in the wrong century.
All of my cell phones have had names: Jane, Lyla, and now Margot.
I think James Marsden (and a few others) is just too gorgeous and everyone knows that.
I can't wait to go to Italy in the future.
I've always wanted to learn to figure skate.
I'm a PK but I'm not a brat. Most people get that whole concept confused.
I don't trust people easily so don't take it personally. And once I do trust you, please don't break that trust because you only get one second chance.
I love ladybugs. I decorated my phone and mp3 with ladybug stickers. Totally makes my day!
I never win a bet. Ever.
My "fairytale" is to live in Tuscany and be a writer. With my dog, of course.
I love mint. Candles, teas, coffees, lotions...doesn't matter.
I'm Team Jacob. No swaying me there.
I am very good at psyching my friends out. Once, I had them believing I'm pregnant. Then I told them I bought a house in Gettysburg and was moving in August. Needless to say I have some pretty forgiving friends.
I'm worse than a guy when it comes to asking for directions. Aislinn calls them "adventures"
I'm an English major.
"Love Song For No One" and "Haven't Met You Yet" always put me in a good mood.
I love jammin' to Hanson when I clean. Who am I kidding? I love jammin' to Hanson a lot!
I still cheer when Gibby takes his shirt off. It's Gibby! You kinda have to!
I hate country music, but I wish I had a country singing voice.
As you can see, I'm a mass of contradictions.
I am scared to death of birds.
I am technologically challenged. I keep saying I need to find a Leonard (from "Big Bang Theory") so I don't have to worry about any of that.
I love crying. Not because I'm depressing, but because it's a small way to prove it's not a dream.
I'm really working on my patience with stupid people. And by stupid, I mean people who know better but do it anyway.
My swear words are usually people's names.
If someone is really awesome, he is referred to as "Antonio Banderas cool" True story.
I have to make a to-do list for the next day as I'm getting ready for bed. I freak if I don't have one.
I wish I understood everything, but then again, I don't.
I wish some things were just easier. Everyone does.

Honest Cries of the Exasperated Soul

Dear God,

Same old story. I'm asking You for guidance in what You want me to do with this life You've given me. My life feels like a roller coaster. One day, I'm content, and the next day I'm wishing I hadn't gotten on the ride. So many obstacles, challenges and variables to be considered. There are so many options. But all anyone is saying is "What is it that you want to do?" That's just it. I want to do what You want me to do. The problem is I don't know what that is. I think about the disciples and how they gave up everything and followed You. I don't feel that passion. But I want to. More than anything, I want to follow You with reckless abandon. I want to be willing to give it all up without a second thought.

I want know why You are putting us through this. There, I said it. I'm tired of thinking everything happens for a reason. I don't think it does. I feel like our prayers are bouncing off the sky. Your Word says You hear them and that everything will come to us in time. But how long do we have to wait? How long do I have to wait? I've been searching for a place to belong for years and have yet to find it. Will I ever? Or am I destined to be a loner? I know what the Bible says, but this isn't words on a page...this is my life! I want to know why I am all over the place. Why can't I find a career that's right for me when I've been praying to You for years about it? Why is it when I think I've found it, You tell me no and then keep quiet for a while? And then I do it all over again! WHY?

Faithfully, we have served You. For as long as I can remember, we have put You before anything else. Why do we feel like that wasn't good enough? Why do we feel like we're on a waiting list? All we want are answers. We're not asking for a
million dollars or all of our wishes to come true. We just want answers.

I am crying out to You like I always have only now my heart is heavy. My soul is tired. My mind is overwhelmed. I can't wait any longer. What am I supposed to do until You decide it's time to reveal Yourself to me? Before You show Your magnificent plan for my life? I am drowning in a sea of bitterness and I desperately want out. I don't want to end up resenting You or Your people. I simply want security and confirmation of Your hand at work in my life. Right now, I don't see it. I haven't for a while. This prayers has probably seemed bitter and angry. That's because I am. God, I'm sorry for my thoughts and actions. Please, just let us know You're still there.

Love,
Your daughter

Lifehouse - Broken

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home