Holding on my rope...

I stand alone, or so it seems,
Nobody can tell.
The feelings building up in me
Starting to swell.

It's been this way for far too long,
I don't understand.
So tired of singing the same song,
I've lost all I am.

Feeling worthless, not good enough,
All I do is cry;
Begging for one thing to love,
I think I might die.

A failure to communicate,
Another lost call;
I don't even recognize
Myself at all.

Six years ago, my grandmother passed away from a long battle with breast cancer. It was a difficult time for my family because my grandmother was what everything was centered around. She was the glue that held our family together. From the closet full of candy to the weekend camping trips, she was always a part of our lives.

After her passing in September, a song came on the Christian airwaves called "Dancing With The Angels" by (the incredibly underrated!) Monk & Neagle. There could not have been a greater song to come at that time of grieving. The words expressed feelings we were unable to during that time. It also got us through the deaths of my great-grandparents.

Recently, a friend of ours lost their battle with cancer. He was seven years old. Not long after that, my uncle passed away. For some reason, I couldn't find comfort in "Dancing With The Angels" That's when I turned to the very talented Danny Gokey and his song "I Will Not Say Goodbye" This song was about his wife who passed away from a heart condition. The music video shows several military families dealing with the loss of their brave family members in war. This song speaks volumes about the different emotions: Grief, denial, anger, acceptance.

These songs got me through those difficult times. My family has lost a lot of people close to us over the past six years. It just doesn't seem fair that we're going on with our lives without them. It's been really hard planning Aislinn's wedding without my grandmother. She would be having so much fun! And if you knew my grandmother, you know how true that is. She would be glowing more than Aislinn! My uncle had a great laugh that is missed at parties. It's funny the things you miss about a person once they're gone. The stories my great-grandparents used to tell that made you wonder if they were real or if their were just entertaining you...good times.

Last week, two people I care about got diagnosed with cancer. My cousin is a very fun, sweet lady who has colon cancer in her liver. The other is a 17-year old kid from the church I used to go to who has leukemia. I know way too many people who have had cancer or still do. I just have to say that I HATE hearing when someone has cancer. I HATE IT! Nothing makes my heart sink more than hearing someone, especially someone I know and love, has been diagnosed with that evil disease.

So while this started out as a post on grieving, I think these songs still fit in with the previous paragraph. I'm dealing with this news in the best way I can. If it comes in melodic form, than so be it. I need to be brave for them. Then again "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid" (Franklin Jones)

____________________________-
Sometimes the road just ends
It changes everything you've been
And all that's left to be
Is empty, broken, lonely, hopin'
I'm supposed to be strong
I'm supposed to find a way to carry on

I don't wanna feel better
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye

They keep saying time will heal
But the pain just gets more real
The sun comes up each day
Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying
If I can keep on holding on
Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you're gone

I will curse
I will pray
I'll relive everyday
I will shoulder the blame
I'll shout out your name
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say
Will not say goodbye
(Danny Gokey - I Will Not Say Goodbye)


_________________________
Memories surround me
But sadness has found me
I’d do anything for more time
Never before has someone meant more
And I can’t get you out of my mind

There is so much that I don’t understand
But I know…

You’re dancing with the angels
Walking in new life
You’re dancing with the angels
Heaven fills your eyes
Now that you’re dancing with the angels

You had love for your family
Love for all people
Love for the Father, and Son
Your heart will be heard
In your unspoken words
Through generations to come

There is so much that I don’t understand
But I know

We’re only here for such a short time
So I’m gonna’ stand up, shout out,
And sing Hallelujah
One day I’ll see you again
(Monk & Neagle - Dancing With The Angels)

To the most amazing friend I could ask for...

Sometimes you think you'll be fine by yourself

'Cause a dream is a wish that you make all alone

It's easy to feel like you don't need help

But it's harder to walk on your own

You'll change inside when you realize

The world comes to life and everything's bright

From beginning to end when you have a friend by your side

That helps you to find the beauty you are

When you open your heart and believe in the gift of a friend

The gift of a friend

Someone who knows when you're lost and you're scared

And there through the highs and the lows

Someone you can count on, someone who cares

Beside you wherever you'll go

You'll change inside when you realize

The world comes to life and everything's bright

From beginning to end when you have a friend by your side

That helps you to find the beauty you are

When you open your heart and believe in the gift of a friend

And when your hope crashes down

Shattering to the ground you, you feel all alone

When you don't know which way to go

And there's no signs leading you home, you're not alone

The world comes to life and everything's bright

From beginning to end when you have a friend by your side

That helps you to find the beauty you are

When you open your heart and believe in

When you believe in, when believe in the gift of a friend

From "Lion's Mouth" To The "Great Wide Somewhere"

I was walking out of Macy's at the Mills when I saw it. I was ecstatic! Here we are sporting our winter coats because the weather called for snow and dwelling in the grassy parking lot island was this dandelion. One lonesome dandelion in perfect condition. The wind was something fierce today, too. Yet there it stood...unaffected by the world around it.

Laugh if you must, but dandelions are my favorite flower. I know, they are nature's beautiful yellow garbage, but I love them. I've never really minded having them in the yard. It reminded me of a fun, summery-spring day. I knew that if I waited long enough, I could make a wish and send the seeds flying into the air. It wasn't until I read "The Cowboy Next Door" that I found a new appreciation for them. At one point in the story, Jay finds Lacey weeding her yard. That is, except for the dandelions. When he points out the ones she has missed, she tells them how special they are to her. They are strong, stubborn plants that have their roots dug in deep. Sooner or later, though, they become to fragile in their current place that they must set off into the wind wherever it may lead. Of course I am paraphrasing and summarizing, but you get the idea. The dandelion metaphor spoke directly about Lacey's life. I'm learning it also applies to my life, especially now. I am beside myself trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with my life. That's no secret. I'm caught between that sunshine-y yellow blossom and that fragile nest of seeds waiting to be set free. While I know I'm still growing and learning and trying to find myself, I know that a time will come for me to close my eyes, make a wish, and set myself free.

Have you ever tried to pick a dandelion? It seems no matter where you choose to pick it from (blossom, stem, etc) you always break the stem. I've had to use a lot of muscle to actually pull a dandelion out of the ground by its roots. It has a strong foundation for such a little flower. Dandelion is French, meaning "lion's mouth"...coincidence?

My favorite Disney princess story (and my favorite lyric from the entire movie) has a scene where the main character is running through the field singing "I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell..." After this line, she settles into a patch of dandelions and blows the seeds into the air. It's a metaphor! While this girl was proud of where she came from and loved the people who made her life complete, she knew she was meant to go places. And that she did.

Since reading "The Cowboy Next Door", my background on my phone, myspace, and twitter page have all had the same background. It is a mason jar full of dandelions, the kind waiting to be set free. (I have a thing with mason jars!) I also have a picture I took of a dandelion in my driveway. Our driveway is pretty long and this was the ONLY one in the driveway summer before last. I took a picture of it. They are constant reminders of how life compares to a dandelion. We need strong roots to remind ourselves if someone tries to break us, we know where we stand. We need to wait for our time to be released into the great wide somewhere.

I really, really want snow right now.

It just seems appropriate.



"It's still winter in my wonderland...I'm waiting for the scene to change..."

To my favorite teacher who told me never give up
To my 5th grade crush, who I thought I really loved
To the guys I miss, and the girls we kissed
Where are you now?

To my ex best friend, don't know how we grew apart
To my favorite band, and sing alongs in my car
To the face I see, in my memories
Where are you now?

Where are you now?
'Cause I'm thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like i do
If it wasn't for you I would never be who I am

To my first girlfriend, I thought for sure was the one
To my last girlfriend, sorry that I screwed this up
To the ones I loved and didn't show it enough
Where are you now?

I know I'll never see those days again
And things will never be that way again
But that's just how it goes
People change, but I know
I won't forget you

To the ones who cared and were there from the start
To the love that left, and took a piece of my heart
To the few who'd swear, I'd never go anywhere
Where are you now?

If it wasn't for you I'd be nothing
Where are you now?

____________________________________________________

It's funny the people and memories that come to mind when you're in the midst of finding yourself. Between the backstabbing friends and the rumor millers to the confidants and the favorite cousins. All of them left a piece of themselves with me. Some people gave me thicker skin, some gave me a bigger heart. All of these things have made me the person I am. And I'm grateful. There are so many people I want to thank. It's got me wondering what kind of people I will encounter in the future. What kind of person will they help me become? Will they ever know the impact they will have on my life.

With all of these thoughts running through my head, I can't help but wonder what kind of impact I'm having on other people's lives. (In a totally modest way, of course!) I mean, I know I'm not the nicest person in the world but am I causing more harm than I realize with my "grr you don't scare me" attitude? Am I being too nice to certain people? Maybe too forgiving? Perhaps I'm being too forgiving to the wrong people? Maybe I should have "taught them a lesson they'll never forget"? I don't know. I know that I probably shouldn't be focused on the impact I've had but rather the impact I am having and will have in the future.

Now while some of the lyrics don't apply to me, the song I posted above (Where Are You Now by Honor Society) is a song that puts into words what I couldn't seem to write. For the two-faced liars and the arms that held me when they made me cry, thank you. Wherever you are, know that your footprints on my life have never been lost, undervalued, or forgotten. This song is for you...