Chiquita, Tell Me What's Wrong

Do you remember when I posted that the book "The Bluebird and the Sparrow" by Janette Oke is the story of my life?

I'm starting to wonder if I will ever get over it. I try to, but it's so very, very hard. The problem isn't that I hate them...and yet, that is exactly the problem. There is an Arab Proverb that summarizes what I am trying to say - "Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharp, but jealousy sees the sharpest for it is love and hate at the same time." I did not believe it the first time I read it, but now that I am seeing how much of these feelings I have in my life, I can see how it is true. I see how it applies to my life and how I'm letting it eat at me.

Things seem to come so easy for them. And when they aren't going easy, they blame everyone else for their misery when it was clearly their choice from the get-go. Someone who sits their and criticizes people for doing the exact same thing they do is a hypocrite. I just don't get it. Why is it you can tell someone something over and over again, and they still don't get it? They probably just don't care. Selfish people who complain when our lives go on without them. They haven't made any effort to be a part of our lives, why should we sit around waiting for them? Exactly, we can't. 

All I can think of is starting in May, everything is going to start changing. God, I hope it's for the better because 2010 has been a (pardon my French, Ma!) way suckish year. I've had enough and want things to change. At this point, we could be snowed in our house for the rest of the year and I wouldn't be surprised. No melodramatics there, either. But until then, I'm driving myself insane with this over-emotional, over-analytical person I am. 

Part of me wants to be left alone from everyone - friends, neighbors, church, family - but the other knows I need them. Unfortunately, the pro/con list in my mind is longer in the "left alone" column. But if I burn bridges now, where do I go when I grow up and realize my immaturity?




Have all my questions been ignored? Time stands still, so do I. Leave me here.