The song, on its own, is amazing.

The music video - even more so.

The idea of living your boring, mundane life, dealing with the same people and the same situations day after day, is something we all have come to accept. Sometimes because we feel we have no other choice. You go through the motions of your daily life.

And when the opportunity presents itself to rewrite it, you're stuck in this attitude of "Ugh, life sucks."

You draw rain clouds instead of sunshine.

Then, a complete stranger draws an umbrella, shielding you from the storm.

Your cynicism is still very present, though.

The umbrella isn't enough to protect you from the cab splashing through a puddle while you're standing next to the street.

That same stranger comes to your side and opens their jacket so you don't get wet.

And for the first time, in a long time, you smile. I mean, really smile. Not in an "Oh, the irony..." kind of way, but a genuine smile.

It's amazing how a random person, even one you have never met, can make your day. They take your negative thoughts and change them to positive ones. And if you're really lucky, you might actually get to meet them one day.

I may be shy, awkward, ungraceful, sarcastic, moody, and impossible to deal with sometimes, but I am classy, sassy, strong, and genuine. I was raised to be a lady. I work for what I want. I dress appropriately. I have manners. I know when to keep my mouth shut. I have been taught to think with my brain, listen to my heart, and trust my gut. I don't smoke, drink, or do drugs. I go to church and live a pure life. I tell the truth. I do what I'm asked, but I don't let people take advantage. I'm nice to everyone, but don't tolerate rude behavior. I don't always think before I act. I don't judge people. I'm horrible with kids, but some kids bring out the best in me. I laugh when I'm nervous. I smile far too much. I haven't experienced things most people my age have, but most days, I don't care. I'm emotional. I'm senstive. I would rather stay in with a movie than go to a club. I second guess everything. I stand strong in my beliefs. I'm just Caitlin. Take it or leave it, but please, be patient with me. I need it more than I realize sometimes.

There comes a time for everyone when someone comes into their life that changes how they view everything. Some burn us, wear us down, and make it nearly impossible to continue on with the same spirit they once had. But some make you feel like you can take on the world, simply because they are in yours. An overwhelming sense of "I can do this" and "I can't believe I'm doing this" that doesn't weigh you down, but lifts you up. Sometimes it's a child, a friend, a boyfriend/girlfriend, or one of those not-really-because-I-don't-believe-in-them chance encounters with someone. Maybe it was just a face of an orphan you saw on television or the homeless person you pass everyday on your way to work. Maybe you haven't even met this person yet, but you want to do it for them, because you know they'll deserve this better version of you.

I think, for me, it's the people who don't realize the effect they have your life. Those people who can say one thing and completely change everything you thought about it. The ones whose very presence in your life causes an emotional tidal wave. The ones who can make you happy and sad, angry and excited, or nervous and secure, all at the same time. But it's a good thing!

• The parents that listen to the same stories and list of problems a millions times and have a different piece of advice every time.
• The friends that can make you laugh 'til you pee, but hold you when you cry.
• The siblings that are more than just siblings, but best friends.
• The teachers who still make your day when you think about what they taught you when they weren't teaching.

All of these people, regardless of their importance in your life at this present moment, have made you who you are. You're a stronger, more determined individual because of their influence in your life. You are braver.

To those people who have made me want to be a better person, wherever you are now, all I can say is thank you. You have blessed my life more than you'll ever know.

The gate is wide, the road is paved in moderation.
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in.
Welcome to the middle ground,
It's safe and sound and until now, it's where I've been.

'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything.

But it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings.

So long, status quo, I think I've just let go.
You make me wanna be brave.
The way it always was is no longer good enough.
You make me wanna be brave.

I am small and I speak when I'm spoken to, but I am willing to risk it all.

I say Your name, just Your name, and I'm ready to jump, even ready to fall.

Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame.
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain.
But if you believe in me, that changes everything.

Black or White vs. The Full Spectrum

Why yes, this is yet another post that started with one of my dreams. :)

I was riding in the car with a friend and we were talking about this and that. Ya know, small talk. The next thing I know, we're talking about the complexities of relationships. We agreed that it's only as complicated as the individuals that are in it, whether your related, friends, significant others, or hardly know one another. Everyone brings something different to the relationship. Some people thrive on drama, some thrive on resolving drama, and then some just want to punch those people in the face. We elaborated on this for a few minutes when I found myself hearing the statement that I would mull over for the remainder of the dream (and all day, too, in reality) "Do you know what my favorite thing about you is?" I braced myself, expecting a sarcastic answer. "About 95% of the time, you see things either black or white. There's almost never an gray area with you. You're either right or wrong. You're either a nice guy or a jerk. You only give one second chance. You have high expectations for others because you have expectations for yourself. Everyone knows where they stand with you, but you have a polite way of letting them know. Does that make sense?" I nodded. "But, the other 5% of the time, you see everything. It's not a gray area, either, but more like a freaking rainbow. It's like you understand that some things just aren't meant to be one or the other. And those things completely blow my mind sometimes. Just when I think I understand how you see the world, you say something that goes against everything I thought. Sometimes your thoughts don't match up with what you've said in the past, but when I think about them, they don't contradict them, either. Did any of that make sense?" It took a minute to process it all, but I eventually replied. They were worried they upset me, but they didn't. Not at all.

Now, I don't know if that is what this friend actually thinks. I'm not going to ask, either. I'm not sure if this is even true. I've been mulling over it all day, though. My questions?: Is this how Caitlin is? Or is this just her subconscious wishing this is how she was?

You Gasp, I Hit My Head: An Excerpt from "Things That Piss Me Off"

While I was at college, it was required that you take a class about changing your world view. Basically, it was a class where you were given a topic, and then it was open for discussion to the whole class. You discussed your morals, opinions, and beliefs in a non-judgmental environment. It was there to teach us that everyone comes from different backgrounds. Just because you are a pastor's kid, doesn't mean that all pastor's kids believe and think the same way you do. What you find offensive may be completely normal for others. It was actually my favorite class there. The work load was a bit much, but it was a class that graded me based on my opinion. I loved it! I understand that everyone has different opinions, beliefs, convictions, etc., but it's still something I haven't completely accepted. You know what I mean? I take into consideration the way they were raised (provided I know the story), I think about what they've gone through, I observe the way they act, I listen to what they say. That being said, let me share what has most recently caused me to smack my forehead and has bothered me for two months.

We're sitting in church and they showed a video that told the story of an infant that was orphaned during the earthquake in Haiti. He was malnourished and had AIDS. He wasn't expected to survive, but he did. After legal issues with his mother (who eventually found him amid the devastation), the boy was adopted into a loving family. Today, he is completely AIDS-free. This five minute video was one that grabbed your attention. It broke your heart, but made you smile at the happy ending that this innocent child deserved.
Then came the sermon. The pastor was talking about a random act of kindness by a stranger. He was emphasizing the point that despite appearances and such, the heart behind the actions is what matters. As he told the story, he mentioned how the man said it was his "rhymes with 'trucking' Christian duty" It got some chuckles, but not everyone was amused, including the person sitting beside me. "I don't think it was necessary," she said. Sure, he didn't have to say that, but he was emphasizing that though this man was uncensored and rough around the edges, his heart was right when he was helping out strangers.

So, what exactly warranted a facepalm here? They were more upset that he said "rhymes with 'trucking'" than they were about the devastating video we watched. Really?! I just don't get it. I've heard them say the literal "rhymes with 'trucking'", but the face that the pastor said that was just...appalling. Nevermind the heart wrenching images of a child dying and the mothers complete disregard for him. I just don't understand how that works. I mean, I guess I do because God has "programmed" us to have our own "Holy Discontent" (Yes, Dad...I'm referencing it!), but don't judge other people for theirs. I know this is coming across like I am judging, but believe me, I'm not. It just frustrates me that something as stupid as a curse word (even though he never said it!) made someone that upset and the fact that children everywhere are being orphaned isn't as scandalous. BULLSPIT!!! Okay, I'm done, but just know that while I've looked at this situation from different viewpoints, it still ticks me off. Seriously people...get over yourselves.

34 Things I Hate About Me: 2010 vs. 2011

The other day, I came across a letter I had written myself. It wasn't a typical letter, but rather a list of things I hate about myself. I know what you're thinking: What an uplifting letter! I'm sure it made you smile! You'd think so, right? I looked at this letter, hoping I'd find things that I've actually changed. And there are a few that I have. Some are superficial, some are not. Some I could just decide to let go and it wouldn't matter. Others eat at me every day. Keep in mind, I wrote this letter this time last year. I guess it was sort of a New Year's Resolution list that I had forgot about, but considering that the items in bold face are the ones I've managed to change and/or are working on, I think I did pretty well. I never thought 2011 would have been so crazy. I know we've come so far, but baby, baby, we've got so far to go!

Bite nails (round 2 of "operation stop biting fingernails" commenced today. I did it once, I can do it again!)
Pop gum

Pop knuckles
Eat too much/not enough
Never really dated
Rather read alone than go to out

Hangs out at home more than friends
Best friend lives 75 miles away (well, now she's at college, but it's still closer)
Cry myself to sleep
Cry too much in general
Hate shopping so clothes suck
Not graceful

Don't do anything/wallflower

Way too quiet/awkward
Too shy
Too distant
Most days I want a husband and family, other days just don't ask

I don't know what I want to do with my life
My idea of fun isn't actually "fun"

I'm too opinionated
I'm too bossy
Too sarcastic
Wish I was thinner
Wish I was smarter
Wish I was prettier
Wish I could relate more
Wish I always had the right thing to say
Wish I could make babies laugh
Watch too much tv (I really hate tv anymore!)
Too many movies (which is surprising since there's a movie store a block away!)
I overanalyze
I overthink everything
I'm intimidated by people my own age
Procrastinate too much

Some things I can't change. It's who I am. It's a lot more to overcome than just turning off the television or deciding to go bowling instead of reading a book at home. It requires me to change my thought process, reprogram myself to know that I am enough. These things require patience and persistence. When I tell you this year has been a crazy year and one that brought a lot of changes, I'm not lying. This list doesn't even begin to describe it. That just shows you that I didn't know I needed to be changed. I was too focused on the things I hated about myself, and not the things God wanted me to change. I guess that's a good thing. Since 2011 was such a big year, I have high expectations for 2012. It's going to be MY year!

Ice Cream, Bullies, Ducks, and X-Files

It was an unusually warm November Tuesday when a hankering for ice cream took the best of me. It took some begging and pleading, but I was finally able to convince everyone else that, they too, wanted ice cream. On the way to the ice cream shop, we talked and sang along (quite loudly, I might add) with the radio. We were happy. Who wouldn't be with the promise of ice cream? We pull into the parking lot, and I spend a few minutes talking about Jeff Buckley. Why? I'm not sure exactly because my sister did not know who I was talking about. I found that to be absolutely appalling. Almost as if I had failed as a sister for her getting to age nineteen without hearing of Jeff Buckley. We walked into the ice cream shop, and the anticipation was almost more than I could bare. (Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but you must know that I really wanted ice cream!)
Just two people stood between me and the counter. It was almost my turn to order when the door opened. That's when I heard it - the laugh. The same laugh I had heard almost everyday until I made the decision to be homeschooled. The same laugh that was almost always directed at me. I did not have to turn around to see who it was. It was her. The girl who made my life miserable for five years. Before I knew what was happening, I was having a mini-panic attack. I mean, it had been eight years since we had seen each other. (I somehow managed to avoid her when she was dating the neighbor, but that was still five or six years ago.) I didn't want to make eye contact, fearing she'd realize who I was. I just wanted out. I ordered our ice cream and stepped to the left. I talked to my sister and responded to text messages, trying to seem oblivious to the world around me. (Usually, it's difficult to stay aware of everything around me, but that wasn't happening.) We got our ice cream and I made it to the car without a scratch.
Now you must know that, for a few days, I had been engaging in what I call "emotional eating", so the fact that I ate the entire medium Blizzard in one sitting isn't surprising. I was completely distracted by that almost close encounter. What would I say to her? What would I do if I had actually come "face-to-face" with her? She made my life hell in school. I would come home from school, crying almost everyday. We even rode the same bus at one point. It wasn't a fun time to be Caitlin. I laid awake that night, thinking about how I let her consume my thoughts and feelings. I realized that she wasn't the only one I let get to me. Between my family and my friends (old and new) and the random people that I encounter everyday, I don't think I've had feelings that were soley based on my own thoughts or actions in a while. A somewhat sad truth is that the books I read, music I listn to, and the movies I watch can either make or break my mood. I've gone to bed angry over a movie. WHO DOES THAT?! I never used to be that way. What happened?
Do you know what I think? I think it started when I went to Mount Vernon. I spent five years planning my life. 1)Bachelors and Masters at MVNU, 2) move to the city, 3) get a job, 4) go to grad school part time, 5) be Miss Independent, 5) and love life. Five years to perfect this plan. And it was completely destroyed in a really short period of time. It was not an easy time for me. A very, VERY hard lesson to learn. I have to have all of my ducks in a row before I do something. Well, I used to. I've learned to go with the flow. And sometimes that means you have to put your feelings aside and just do it. I guess I "go with the flow" too much anymore.

I need to make things happen instead of just letting them happen.

I'm going to quote him again, but this quote is still one of my all-time favorites.

"Maybe it's other people's reactions to us that makes us who we are."

Webster defines frienship as the state of being friends.
A friend is one attached to another by affection or esteem.

I have been thinking a lot about friends and friendship lately. Everyone looks for something different in their friends, but one thing that is always on the list is loyalty. Someone who will be there - always. Someone who, no matter the circumstances, knows exactly what you need to do or hear to help you through it.

I've been told (like I mentioned in my previous post) that I have high standards, and that goes for everyone, not just dating. Don't get me wrong, I don't want/expect people to change to be in my life. Not at all. I have a "come as you are" philosophy, but,(and this isn't the word I want but...) if you want to "earn" a place in my life, you can't just be anybody. You have to be someone.

Someone who...

• is honest
• is loyal
• doesn't pull any punches
• shows me the best and worst qualities in myself
• helps me through tough situations
• challenges me to be better
• loves me for me
• loves me enough to keep me moving forward
• makes me laugh like no one else
• holds me when I cry
• leaves me speechless
• I can talk to about the most stupid, superficial stuff, and five minutes later have the deepest, most thought-provoking conversation of my life
• lets me drop my guard (without even realizing it)
• makes me try new things
• doesn't say "I told you so"
• allows me to ask stupid questions but knows my intelligence isn't limited to them
• who has the same expectations of me

I know it's "unfair" to have the expectations that books, television, and movies have for friendship. I mean, I become so attached to these characters that I seriously feel like I'm their friend. And when it's over, I feel like a part of me is missing. Isn't that stupid and foolish of me?

• Cory and Shawn
• Will and Grace
• Buzz and Woody
• Samwise and Frodo
• Pooh and Piglet
• Frog and Toad
• Spongebob and Patrick
• Shawn and Gus
• Marlin and Dorey
• Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Monica, and Chandler
• Rose, Sophia, Dorothy, and Blanche
• Lucy and Ethel
• Laverne and Shirley (don't forget Lenny and Squiggy!)

All of these relationships have different stories. Some of these have been lifelong relationships while others had rocky starts. Some knew each other their whole life while others were "chance encounters". And they each brought something different to the table. They balance each other. They're good for each other. Yeah, there are arguments, disagreements, feelings hurt, hearts broken...and it's not always resolved by the end of the program or book. Realistic views on frienships. Oil and water. Night and day. Lightning and swimming pools. Total opposites, but without them, the other wouldn't be complete.

Where are these kind of people at? I don't care what you think of my expectations. I really don't. There is WAY too many shallow, only-there-when-it's-convenient friends out there and I'm sick of it. So, yeah, if you could just help me out there, Lord, I'd appreciate it. :)

Let's face it, ladies: We have all sat down with our friends and talked about the things guys can say or do to win our hearts. From storming the castle and slaying the dragon to playing your favorite song on a stereo outside your bedroom window. Okay, so maybe those examples are too cliche, but you know what I mean. Maybe your perfect guy plays the guitar and has a voice like John Mayer. Maybe he's the tall, dark and handsome type. Maybe he's a complete poindexter. It doesn't matter. Every girl has certain expectations, standards, and ideas of the kind of guy they want.

For me, it's very simple: Be a gentleman. I don't want flowers, or candy, or jewelry. I don't want to be showered with compliments or expensive dinners. I just want honesty. Someone I can respect, who respects me. And when I say respect, I mean the kind of guy who would never use the words hot, smokin', fine, or sexy to describe me. I absolutely cannot stand that. If you ever want to piss me off, all you have to do is use them, and mean it. I joke with my friends when we wear stupid outfits or look absolutely disgusting that we look "hot" or "sexy", but it's always done in jest. I respect them far too much to actually mean it. No, my friends are beautiful, gorgeous, handsome, lovely...

Considering my attitude towards marriage and families for the past twenty years, it's no wonder why I have a hard time letting a guy be a gentleman sometimes. There are not that many left in the world, and it's our fault, ladies. We have this idea that "Grr, I'm woman. I don't need a man." Well, maybe you don't, but you should still be a lady! This is why men aren't stepping up and being gentlemen. Go ahead, tell me I'm wrong, but while you were busy thumbing your nose at my statement, a man was nodding in agreeance.

Other than my father, male relatives, and the far-too-scarce random stranger, no one has ever held the door for me. I dated a guy who never, not once, held it for me. Even when my dad was watching. The first time a guy held the door open for me, I honestly didn't know what was happening. He was just a friend, and yet it was almost second nature to him. He gave me a look and extended his arm as if to hurry me along. I apologized and thanked him. It was a glimmer of hope for me. I started noticing other things they did that came so naturally, I almost didn't realize what he was doing. It wasn't a lame attempt to impress or woo someone. It was just the way they were. I would love to thank all of the moms and dads out there who are raising their sons to be gentlemen. The ladies are noticing. :)

My parents made sure we knew how to act like a lady. For as long as I can remember, my dad insisted on "daddy dates", where he went over the proper ways to treat a man and how a man should treat us. I took very careful notes on every single one of those date, whether we went to the mall, McDonald's or just to get a coffee. My daddy may not have all the answers, but for raising three daughters, he knows what he's talking about. I've been told I'm too picky. I've had people ask me, "How can you expect to find someone if you don't put yourself out there?" I just smile and say (depending the person, I usually just think it to myself), "Ladies are to be pursued." I know what they're thinking. God, she thinks she's too good for anybody. Nope, I just know that I will not settle for anything less than what I deserve. I haven't always believed this. I've known it my whole life, I just didn't believe it. Now that I do, I'm noticing that my expectations aren't "high" like people think they are. They're exactly what I need.

So, dear future Mr. Caitlin, I'm doing my very best to be a lady. The kind of lady you will need. Don't think this was about what you need to do, because I take responsibility for my actions, too. I may require some patience, though. Sometimes, I forget.

Broken, Never Beaten

Once upon a time, a couple had three daughters. They were great daughters. In fact, they were so great that for Christmas, they decided to redecorate their parents house. They started with wall decorations. Among the pieces were these stone plaques.

 The oldest daughter fell in love with them. "It's a metaphor!" she exclaimed, the first time she saw them. She waited in anticipation for Christmas Day when her parents would open the package. And they loved them. The oldest daughter couldn't wait to put them on the wall.

They would serve as a constant reminder that even the most "picture perfect" family can still be beautiful with its flaws. Even the strongest of faiths has its weaknesses. And even the deepest of loves have their breaking points.

'Nuff said!

:)

See this face?

This is the face of a girl who has made up her mind that, from this moment on, she will be

happy,

optimistic,

bold,

courageous,

honest,

loyal,

more like a duck.

She will

take more risks,

love with all her heart,

smile when it kills her,

and laugh until her body aches.

She will always be there for you, even if you aren't there for her.

But don't think she's sitting there waiting for you, either.

She's got herself a plan and she's got more than enough motivation to carry it through.

Watch out.

Caitlin is back.

:)

She believed

she could

so

she did.

This is my new motto. No more half-assed ideas and plans. I've come a long way but I still have a long way to go. Be patient with me, please. I'm ready to get on with it! :)

Something Borrowed

So, it's Friday night and we're all set to watch a movie only to realize we didn't like any of our movies. So at 7:30 pm, Aislinn and I are looking for a Redbox. Smart idea, right? It was until we realized everyone else had that same idea. All of the good movies were gone. So we grabbed a few movies and went home.

We ended up watching "Something Borrowed" with Ginnifer Goodwin (Rachel), Kate Hudson (Darcy), John Krasinski (Ethan), and Colin Egglesfield (Dex). Rachel and Darcy are best friends; Darcy is engaged to Dex who Rachel has beein in love with since college. Ethan is Rachel's best friend and is in love with her. Dex secretly loves Rachel. So if you thought that was confusing, the movie is just awful. The banter is hilarious, no doubt. But the movie itself was just horrible. And the ending!! I'm still upset over that ending. I literally hated the protagonist when it was over. I was ranting about it the next day and everyone was making fun of me. But it was the worst possible ending to a movie. Period.

I think Ethan was my favorite character. He was straight-forward and honest throughout the whole thing. He was under-appreciated, too. But during one of the several arguments in this movie, Rachel punches Ethan in the nose. Classy, right? Well, this is the conversation that followed:
Rachel: Your an a**hole!
Ethan: Yeah maybe I am. But I am the only a**hole here that gives a s**t about you.

After the movie ended and I'm trying to go to sleep, but still so very angry (I don't know why this movie made me so angry. Lol!) and I couldn't get this part out of my head. How often to I care so much about people who don't really care about me? Who don't care about my feelings, opinions, or whether or not I'm even there? I'm expected to be there, but do they really care if I'm not? I'm expected to care and assist and be there for them, but are they ever there for me when I need them? Is my inability to make a decision keeping everyone else happy while I sit in misery?

So, thank you, "Something Borrowed", for not only making me hate you, but haunting my thoughts, too.

Note to Self:

• Stop being so hard on yourself. Things will fall into place.
• Stop acting so nervous all the time.
• Stop chewing your fingernails. It's horrible.
• Stop over-analyzing everything. You're driving me crazy!
• Stop being afraid of stupid things. Face your fears!
• Stop eating so much salt. Do you want to end up like your father?
• Stop wondering "What if?" in a negative way. There are plenty of positive what ifs to embrace.
• Stop leaving your bedroom a mess. You're a grown up.
• Stop complaining about the laundry and dishes. It's giving you something to do.
• Stop being such a wallflower. Sometimes you need to dance.
• Stop hiding behind a book. Show them you are more than "the quiet one"
• Stop questioning every move everyone makes. Not everyone has an ulterior motive.
• Stop hiding your laughter. It's your favorite sound, why do you hide yours?
• Stop being afraid to sing your heart out. Jesus loves it, so should you!
• Stop thinking you can't do it. We both know you are more than capable of doing things.
• Stop worrying about what they are thinking. Yes, their opinion is important but you have to do what's best for you.
• Stop thinking you're not good enough.
• Stop saying "I'll be fine. I always am." No one's buying it.
• Stop letting yourself feel inferior to them.
• Stop being so "hard to figure out"...they deserve more.

Life IS the messy bits.

Too often I make up my mind to have everything perfect. I make plans that seem infallible. But God, with all of His wisdom, has an unmatched way of bringing me back to reality.

I absolutely love the book/movie "Letters to Juliet". It's a quick witted, charming love story with no sexual content or cursing. Seriously, it's amazing! Vanessa Redgrave plays Claire. She's a gem! I love her so much! She is full of wisdom throughout the whole movie. (I've posted some of them before) In one scene, Charlie (Claire's grandson) states that if this is in fact the long-lost Lorenzo, she'll get to go from farm hand to billionair and "skip all the messy bits" along the way. Claire looks at him with a coy smirk and says, "Life IS the messy bits." Oh, don't we all need someone to remind us of that at times? When we start to think everyone else's life is the normal, perfect one we should have?

I know exactly what I want from life, but I know that if I do it on my own, I won't succeed. If I expect smooth sailing, I won't appreciate the land when you arrive. I can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. Those moments in life, the ones when we wish things didn't happen to us or weren't so difficult, are the ones you learn from and remember.

Everytime I think my life should be closer to my idea of perfection, I see Vanessa Redgrave's smile and here her saying, "Life IS the messy bits."

Oh Bother...

Admit it:

This photo made you laugh.

We all know the story of Winnie the Pooh.

He is notorious for getting stuck in the wall.

TOO MUCH HONEY!

But he'll never learn.

You can deny it all you want, but we've all been in Pooh's situation. We get stuck because we wanted too much of something.

And like any good friend, Rabbit is sitting there. Sometimes that's all friends can do. Just sit and wait for you to ask them for help. And let me tell you, even if it seems like they don't care,

THEY DO.
I've learned one of the worst feelings in the world is seeing someone's world fall apart and not being able to do a thing about it.

Even if it's their fault and you saw it coming.

You could easily say
"I hate to say 'I told you so...'"
"Oh my gosh, what have you done?"
"Don't complain. You did this to yourself."

But that's not what a friend does.

I mean, sure, you can comfort them with cliches like
"It'll be alright"
"You can pull through this"
"I believe in you"
"God's got it all under control"
and the list goes on.

And while they appreciate the thought, they don't want anything to do with cute phrases.

They don't fix anything.
People do.

God does.

So what does that mean for you?
I have no idea.

Only you do.

You have to decide how you're going to help your friend.

Even if that means sitting and watching until they ask you.

Even if that means you have to push someone through a wall.

Even if that means you have to do absolutely nothing but let them cry on your shoulder.

Don't underestimate yourself.

Remember, your help may not be what they want, but it's what they'll need.

Promises/Promisses

I've had some pretty weird dreams in my life.

I've watched them unravel and thought,

"What the heck is going on in my subconscious?!"

In a few of my dreams, my family or friends have been killed off.

Worst. Dreams. Ever.

But I've noticed something in all of them:
some sort of promise was made and then broken.

I had this dream where I made a promise to a friend and another friend made the same promise to a friend. And this promise was all fine and dandy until it conflicted with destiny, if you'll allow that word.

I got to thinking about these dreams and the promises that represented real promises in our friendship.

By pinky swearing to do or not do something, are we robbing ourselves of that experience?

Does the person understand that by making you promise, they could be effecting your "destiny"?

You have the free will to make the decision to break the promise or to act upon the feelings you have, but that's a tough situation. Even hypothetically.

Talk about a rock and a hard place!

So, what would you do in that situation?

I'm a sucker for musicals.

This song came on the MusicChoice today and had flashbacks to when I first saw Oklahoma.

:)
It's still stuck in my head three hours later!

I know this isn't the best vocally, but it's my favorite interpretation.

P.S. I have about 13 posts started on here that I do intend to finish. Give me time, and I will. It's about time I start posting stuff worth reading. :)

20 Facts About Caitlin

1. I love the person I'm becoming! )(Most days...I still have to eat crow some days!)
2. My mind is always racing and I don't think anything I say makes sense.
3. I have an infatuation with boy bands. (Don't worry, I like the "good stuff", too!)
4. I love the city. I hope to see myself there one day.
5. I'm allergic to everything. It sucks!
6. I absolutely love to color! I could spend a week just coloring and watching movies.
7. I love how much I've come out of my shell, especially in the past few years.
8. Apparently I'm easy to read but hard to figure out.
9. I have a vivid imagination. Even I can't keep out.
10. I have the best family ever. I don't know where I'd be without them!
11. My friends and I take our nerf gun hobby very seriously.
12. Speaking of friends, I have amazing friends. They've helped me, challenged me, made me laugh, made me cry, and made my life both miserable and unbelievably awesome.
13. Antonio Banderas is who I base everyone's level of coolness.
14. People think it's weird that I walk into stores like Aeropostale just to smell their cologne. It smells so good, though!
15. I am so ready to grow up.
16. I planned a makeover for my room inspired by Tiffany's! I can't wait!
17. I'd like to think I'm independent but that should not excuse a man from being a gentleman.
18. I've learned that 87% of the time the best verse of a song is the second.
19. I'm one of those people who can be told something straight out a million times, but only grasps it when it's mentioned indirectly by another person.
20. This was difficult. I don't think I'm a fascinating person. :)

"I do not think I am ready."
"It is for that very reason that I know you are"

-The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian-

This quote was one of those Gibbs slaps I always talk about. The first week we had the movie, I watched it six times. Not kidding. I love Narnia. It's not a secret. I've written about it so many times.

I think the reason I love it because it's how I feel all the time. I never think I'm ready to do something. I'm so good at talking myself out of thinking I'm good enough, etc. But the truth is, if I don't do it I'm never going to know. And God knows I've backed out of a lot of things because
"I don't think I'm ready"

God wouldn't give us opportunities if we weren't ready for them.

Sometimes we forget that He knows us better than we do. He's got everything figured out.

But, for whatever reason, He gave us free will and that is probably my biggest enemy.

Garth Brooks once said,

"The greatest wars in life are not between two people, but between man and himself."

Ain't it the truth?!

We can talk ourselves in and out of things better than anyone.

It's not really what people might think of us that holds us back -

it's who we think we are not that does.

I've been blessed with some awesome Sunday School teachers over the years. Ronna was amazing! I learned more from her in the two years she was my teacher than I think I have my entire life in the church. God, I miss her!

Anyway, we read the book "If You Want To Walk On Water, You've Got To Get Out Of The Boat"

If you've never read it,

YOU MUST!

It's so good!

It's all about the steps of faith, big or small, that make up our life and our walk with God.

Not long after we read that book, Britt Nicole release "Walk On The Water".

Uh-mazing.

It's still my theme song.

So, Jerrilyn,

it's a big deal what's going on,

but it's only a small part of what's going to happen.

God's got it all figured out.

All you have to do is take the step of faith.

We all love you and believe in you.

I cannot wait to see where this takes you!
:)

I wrote this in your scrapbook for a reason. Don't forget it!!

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you.”

Say what you want,

but Zooey has an amazing voice.

LOVE THIS SONG!!!

Do you want to know a secret?

My most favorite and least favorite things about myself are the same thing.

I love that I have a sarcastic sense of humor. The constant banter between my family and friends is awesome. I've always appreciated the dry, quick-witted sense of humor that is sarcasm. Some of my favorite shows and movies are proof of that: Psych, That '70s Show, Two Weeks Notice, Baby Mama, etc.

Unfortunately, not everyone shares my sense of humor. And it's far too hurtful to those who don't. It's not their fault. I just know that I've hurt too many people by comments I said. Unintentionally. It makes people angry, upset, and the whole situation gets awkward.

Now, I know there is a time and a place for this kind of stuff, and I'm usually very careful.

Sometimes it happens, though.

Sometimes I take things too far.

Sometimes I'm cynical.

Sometimes I'm bitter.

Sometimes I just don't know what else to do.

Really, I think it's a defense mechanism.

When I want to hide my true feelings, whether they be good or bad, I have a snide remark.

Some people keep it going which only adds to my feelings.

As you can see, this is a vicious cycle.

I'm working very hard to keep it under control, knowing who to use it around and when it's appropriate.

But I'm still a work in progress!

So to anyone I've hurt or angered with my opinions, sarcasm, or general "lack there of" sense of humor, I am truly sorry.



Do you have one of those songs that, when you listen to it, an overwhelming peace comes over you?

Maybe you're like me and have a few.

One that never fails is

"Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)" by Chris Tomlin.

I'm relaxed just thinking about it. It's a song that soothes the soul

and makes you feel at one with God.

At ASP, Jerrilyn and I were talking about those seasons in our walk with God when you feel like you've lost your passion and zeal.

It seems to happen all to frequent for me.

But this is what I think:

It's not about raising your hands in church or reading your Bible everyday.

It's about that connection between you and God. Only you can judge that.

People have no authority to convict you. Only the Holy Spirit does.

Just pray. Even if some are only "Thank you, God" or "Help me, Lord"

HE GETS IT!!
Sometimes no words are required - just a humble heart.

Sometimes I just sit there, with my eyes closed, earbuds in, and tune out the rest of the world.

I focus on who He is and what He's done for me.

No hands are raised, no words are sung. Just me and God.

That is when I feel closest to Him.

I'm at peace.

I know that it isn't hard to get lost in Jesus.
And what a sweet Jesus He is!!



My awesome Aunt Vera sent me the lyrics to this song during my senior year of high school. It was the beginning of the season I'm still in for me. Three years later, I still listen to it and think of the amazing encouraging words she's given me since. I can't help but smile.

After the move, and after ASP, I went looking for a job. I thought things were looking up when I went to Family Video, got an application, returned it and had an interview immediately. But no cigar. I'm searching the papers and online but no bites...yet. So what if I'm not very good at finding a job? It's okay, because soon enough I will find the right job. Who cares if I'm not big on dating? One day, I'll find my "darling". So what if I don't know what I want to do with my life? Someday I will. And when I do, watch out!

I heard a quote the other day: "Some of the most interesting people I know don't know what to do with their lives." How true!

Right now, I'm still blessed. My family is pretty much the greatest. Seriously, there are no words to describe the love and respect I have for everyone in my family, near or far. My friends: I have the best friends. The most amazing people in the world. They've helped me more than they even know. I hope they can say the same about me.

God, thank you for blessing me with friends and family that are too awesome for words. I don't know where I'd be without them. Or You.



Wow! To say I'm so over this move is an understatement! We are still trying to get stuff put away. We only have a few pictures on the walls. It's slow, but we're almost there!

Moving day was...fun. Or should I say moving days. They messed up the truck order and gave us a smaller truck resulting in multiple trips. We had KVAG members help us pack the truck, and family and friends helped us unload it all. And boy was it a hot day!! I was completely gross by 8:30 that morning, so you can imagine how beautiful I was by 2. :)  It was a good day, though. I got better acquainted with friends and reconnected with people. For me, that is my favorite part. I was reminded how blessed I am. Even with the giant confusion that is my life, I have a great support system. Thanks again to Pastor Todd and Tina, Pastor Jim, Frank, Jordan, Uncle Carl, Russ, Doug, Chuck, Kari, Travis, and Mikael!! :)

A few days later, I went with Jerrilyn's church to Chapmanville, WV  for ASP. What an awesome, yet exhausting week! I cried a lot, too. Ask Jerr!! It was a good time for sure. Just check my Facebook page for photos. ASP is really big on sharing "God moments" My God moment came on Wednesday or Thursday. I'd been having stomach issues (acid reflux, pms) since Saturday and by then I was doubled over in pain trying to dig a hole for the deck/ramp we were building. I'd taken my allotted medicine (and I hate taking medicine so that tells you how bad this was) and just could take it. I prayed and asked God to get me through the day. And then I got Gibbs slapped (dontcha love it when He does that? I do!!) and I heard him say "This trip is not about your comfort zone." I asked forgiveness for my narrow-mindedness and continued to work. Within thirty minutes, the pain in my stomach was gone. I felt 100% better. Once I got over myself, I was able to give all of me to God and the job He wanted me to do.  Jerrilyn had her moment, too. And let me just tell you, I have NEVER been so proud of a friend in my entire life! I love you, girly!!

I'll post pictures of the house soon, but only when it's completely done!

I drew my line across the sand
And set my flag in no man's land
But here I am the one man band
With a song that's meant for two

...

And all of our cards are on the table
Tell me what you want to do
Just don't tell me that it's too late
For me to love you

Like Dandelion Dust

Karen Kingsbury is fast becoming one of my favorite authors. I've read several of her books and she's an amazing story writer.

Well, I heard all of the hype about "Like Dandelion Dust", and, you know me, I never go with the hype.

Well, I try not to.

I watched the trailer to the movie. I was absolutely.....well, I don't know exactly what it was that I was feeling.

Disgusted.

Mortified.

Heartbroken.

Confused.

For those of you who don't know, lemme fill you in.

The story is about a young boy who was adopted as an infant. Six years later, his biological parents want him back. Because of a forged signature on the adoption papers, the adoptive parents have no say in the matter. They are losing their son to a man with alcohol problems and the wife who has stuck by his side through the abuse and prison term. They are desperate to do anything it takes to keep their son. In the meantime, the biological family is determined to turn their lives around and be the family they know they can be. All involving a six year old boy.

I can't even imagine going through something like that. To adopt a child at birth, raise them, take care of them, have them be mine, and then have them taken away from me. No warning, no nothing....and to an abusive alcoholic. Oh my gosh. I just can't bare the thought of it.

And the things that breaks my heart the most is that this stuff goes on everyday. Children are being taken from a safe, loving environment and being placed in unstable situations because "it's their right as the child's parent" No, they gave up their rights. Whether or not the document was forged is not the issue. They handed that child over to the government. Ugh.

But don't worry...it's okay to murder your child. You just can't keep them once you adopt them.

Okay, I'm ending this post. I could go off for a while on this topic.

If you place a rock in the middle of a room and ask everyone to draw what they see,

do you know what you're getting into?

I didn't when I opened my big mouth and Dad heard, resulting in a twenty minute debate on

perception,

the right to judge that perception,

and whether or not the things you think are facts are really facts, or your perception of those things.

Yup, it's fun (and extremely frustrating!!!) to open these cans of worms with Dad.

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.

-Abraham Lincoln-

I'm struggling, like I always do.

I've always had issues with my body.
I'm too pale.

I'm too fat.

My hair doesn't cooperate.

My feet are too wide.

I hate that I have to wear glasses.

I hate my legs.

And the list goes on.

I've never felt like I was pretty enough or skinny enough.

And even though at the time I weighed 130lbs., the guy I was dating at the time said it was "embarrassing" for me to weigh more then him.

Well, it's not my fault he was a skinny twirp that only weighed 115 lbs.

But it still hurt.

So I guess you could say it started then.

I also stopped playing sports when I switched to homeschooling.

I injured my ankle/foot a few years ago, and it makes intense exercise difficult sometimes.

I'm not making excuses, or blaming anyone.

But I'm not saying this is all self-inflicted.

I mean, I could choose to let it go and be comfortable with my body.

It's difficult, though.

Everyday, we are bombarded with images of what is considered

beautiful,

sexy,

attractive,

perfect.

And I'm not exactly a poster child for that kinda thing.

But I'm working on it.

I've accepted my body the way it is,

but I love myself too much to let it stay this way or get worse.

There is exactly one year til Aislinn's wedding.
That size that's on my dress? Well, I want it to be taken in.

A lot!

Until then, I'm singing songs like "Beautiful" by Bethany Dillon, "Believe in Me" by Demi Lovato, and "More Beautiful You" by Johnny Diaz.



They just don't write 'em like they used to...

Today I watched in silence as people passed me by,
And I strained to see if there was something hidden in their eyes;
But they all looked at me as if to say
Life just goes on.

The old familiar story told in different ways,
Make the most of your own journey from the cradle to the grave;
Dream your dreams tomorrow because today
Life must go on.

CHORUS
But there’s more to this life than living and dying,
More than just trying to make it through the day;
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,
And there’s more than this life alone can be.

Tonight he lies in silence staring into space,
And looks for ways to make tomorrow better than today,
But in the morning light it looks the same;
Life just goes on.

He takes care of his family, he takes care of his work,
And every Sunday morning he takes his place at the church;
And somehow he still feels a need to search,
But life just goes on.

(chorus)

So where do we start to find every part
Of what makes this life complete;
If we turn our eyes to Jesus we’ll find
Life’s true beginning is there at the cross where He died.
He died to bring us . . .

(chorus)

It happens in a blink.It happens in a flash.
It happens in the time it took to look back.
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time.
What is it I've done with my life?
It happens in a blink

This has been my life! More specifically, the past few weeks.

People have been asking "How do you feel about the move?" and "Are you excited about moving?"

The only answer I have for them is this:
"It's happened so fast, we're running on adrenaline. I'm sure in a few weeks it'll register in my brain that, 'Yeah, this is where I live now', but right now, I haven't had a chance to figure out how I feel."

Of course, you are reading this thinking, But, in your previous posts you mentioned how you were having a hard time dealing with this move.

True. So, so true. Leaving people you love is never fun.

But as far as the actual move itself, I have no idea how I feel.

The location is ideal, right in town.

It's closer to family

Not that much further from work for everyone.

It's going to be great.

But
.......
.......
I don't know.

It all just happened so fast.

Anymore, it seems like my life gets complicated when I'm not looking.
Why is that?

When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

I like listening to Billy Joel.

I don't like who he is as a person, but his job is to entertain us and he's very good at it.

I mean, if I didn't watch a certain persons movies or listen to their music because of what they believe or what kind of person they are, I'd be living under a rock. Everybody does things that not everyone is going to love. Point is, they're just doing their job.

Anyway...now that the mini-rant is over...

Billy Joel wrote my all-time favorite song in the history of the universe (no lies)

"Shameless"

Ya know, the one Garth Brooks got a hold of and KILLED! It's awesome!

Well, that and he just wrote a lot of amazing songs.

Can you imagine how cool a church would be to do Billy Joel style worship all the time?

That'd be freakin' sweet!

Well, lately, I've had "Vienna" on repeat. It's my ringtone, too.

Why?
I'm not sure exactly.

I mean, I LOVE the lyrics.

I read an interview with Billy Joel where he talked about the meaning.

Now some of the stuff, I'm thinking "How did that inspire you to write the song???"

It just didn't make sense.

But he got to the part where he was visiting his father in Vienna when he saw an elderly woman sweeping the streets. He said in America we treat our elderly badly compared to them. We put ours in rest homes while Vienna makes them feel like they're still needed and wanted. He ended by saying when he got older and felt useless, he knows Vienna waits for him.

Cheesy, maybe, but it gives you that longing for a better place when all of this craziness is over.

In my heart, I know that my Vienna is actually Heaven. I know that one day, after the insanity of this life on Earth is done, I'll have a place where I'm not forgotten about. I'll have a new purpose. Well, not "new" because my job on Earth is to do His will and serve Him with everything I have. Heaven will be my reward, but if I'm up there sweeping streets, I'll be just as honored as I would be to be invited. Ya know what I mean?

Maybe I stretched the song and it's meaning a little bit. But this is what I feel. When I hear the song, it's a reminder that this is temporary. I need to slow down, catch my breath, and even when I feel like I've lost my place, I know I have one. Heaven waits for me.

“Life is about change, sometimes it’s painful, sometimes it’s beautiful, but most of the time it’s both.” – Smallville

 If you haven't heard yet, we are moving again. And for someone who was all gung-ho for this move a couple of weeks ago, I'm having a heck of a time dealing with it.

ONE: I have to leave my church family who has been more than just a blessing to me. They brought me out of my shell and helped me heal. Even during my "I'm not going to church" phase, I still went and enjoyed the sermons and everyone's fellowship. Big changes happened in me during the past 8 months. I'm forever grateful. Thank you, KVAG.

TWO: I have to leave behind my best friend. Literally the coolest nine year old girl on the planet. I haven't told her yet, but I can honestly say I'm NOT looking forward to this conversation. Who would? I spend more time with her than my friends. Now what? So, here's to you, Sass Master, I love you! I'll miss our pool parties and Kim Possible games, your attitude and spunk, and even the Spongebob reruns. :)

You may think, "Well, you're not moving too far away. It's not like you're moving across the country."
To that I say, "True, but trust me, moving only an hour or so away is WORSE than moving across the country. You're SO CLOSE and still SO FAR. It's not like you can drop everything and hang out. Or even plan months in advance for a trip. Nope. The longest car rides ever are the ones that you travel the most. Ya know what I mean? We've traveled back and forth to New Castle and Apollo for over three years now. I swear that trip gets longer everytime. It makes for a very exhausting day. So, yeah, while we're not that far, we are not that close, either."

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together"

 Remember the video I posted a few months ago "Temporary Life" by Carly Patterson? Well, that's been a theme song since my senior year of high school. I just wanted out of this...abyss...known as Apollo. Being in the middle of no where SUCKS! And it just wasn't what I was looking for. Well, I've tried and failed at so many attempts to find myself (I know, it's not a failure, it's lesson learned!) and I was getting frustrated. Still am, to be honest. Well, I thought I had my ticket when I decided to sign up for classes this fall. I had a financial aid meeting  scheduled and decided I was "settling" and that wasn't fair. So, I cancelled everything. And that Dairy Queen job. Dang. I mean, I FINALLY found a job and I had to quit because of my allergies (severe allergy to pretty much everything, but especially peanuts) I was feeling pretty guilty about it all until we found out about the move. It all made sense. I wasn't supposed to get comfortable here. I wasn't supposed to find myself here. Thank you, Lord, for showing me this!

Life Lessons from "Letters to Juliet"

Life is the messy bits.

One of the great joys if life is having one's hair brushed.

"What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And, Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will.

Jesus, take the wheel. Take it from my hands 'cause I can't do this on my own. I'm letting go so give me one more chance to save me from the road I'm on. Jesus, take the wheel.

We Danced Anyway

I grew up listening to just about any genre of music you can think of. You name it, I know it...probably. From 1920-today, I konw and appreciate just about any kind of music out there. I love everything from Nat King Cole and Ella Fitzgerald to Phil Collins and Madonna to Garth Brooks and Faith Hill. And if you're a boy band (other than Menudo..haha!), I love you with all my heart!
Well, lately I've been caught up in reliving the '90s era of country music. You remember those days? When Leann Rimes was but a teenager singing about things way beyond her years instead of being a homewrecker. Before Garth Brooks decided to retire, comeback, and retire again. The days before Sugarland and Kellie Pickler and Rodney Atkins. When Randy Travis, George Strait, Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, and Shania Twain were *the* people to listen to. Good times. I swear I know every word to every Shania Twain song out there thanks to Amberlynn's obsession. Tim McGraw and Faith Hill will never be "has beens"...they're just too perfect in what they do.

Surprisingly enough, this post isn't about any of those people. Do you remember that chick that sang "Strawberry Wine" and "Did I Shave My Legs For This?" Do you remember who sang them - Deana Carter? Apparently she's continued to record albums but I haven't heard anything from her since the '90s.

Anyway, the song that has been on repeat for about a week is "We Danced Anyway." For those of you who don't know it, I posted it below. Listen. It's so cute!

Since Caitlin is known for relating everything to her life, here we go!

The song talks about a young couples worldwind romance in a foreign country. It was a different world for them. They didn't know the words to the song but they sang anyway. They were so in love, they didn't care. They danced to the music, even though they had never heard the song before.

I want to be so in love with life that no matter what happens, I do it anyway, if for no other reason than because I love life. Even when "the stars hang upside down", I want to be able to honestly say "I'm alright!" There's always music playing (soundtrack to our lives), and even when I don't know what the tune is, I want to dance. Dance freely, even in the rain. When I don't understand the words to the songs that are playing, I'm going to sing anyway. I will sing loud and proud because I know "I'm alright!"

These days will never happen again, I need to embrace them, and live 'em up!

My Goal: To Dance Anyway.

 
 



Singing the same old song...

Your little hand's wrapped around my finger

And it's so quiet in the world tonight

Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming

So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret

I'd give all I have, honey

If you could stay like that

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart

And no one will desert you

Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies

And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off

At 14 there's just so much you can't do

And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots

But don't make her drop you off around the block

Remember that she's getting older too

And don't lose the way that you dance around in your PJ's getting ready for school

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple

No one's ever burned you, nothing's ever left you scarred

And even though you want to, just try to never grow up

 

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room

Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home

Remember the footsteps, remember the words said

And all your little brother's favorite songs

I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

 

So here I am in my new apartment

In a big city, they just dropped me off

It's so much colder that I thought it would be

So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up

I wish I'd never grown up

Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up

I could still be little

Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up

It could still be simple

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple

Won't let nobody hurt you

Won't let no one break your heart

And even though you want to, please try to never grow up

Oh, don't you ever grow up

Oh, never grow up, just never grow up

 

 

 

 

I've been searching for a reason

And I'm running out of time

I can feel that it's the season

It's time to make up my mind

And I can't really tell you what I'm gonna do

There are so many thoughts in my head

There are two roads to walk down and one road to choose

So I'm thinking over the things that you've said

Thinking over the things...

I'm thinking over

Thinking over

Thinking over

The things that you've said

And I'm thinking over

Thinking over

Thinking over the things...

Am I ready for forever?

Oh, God, show me a sign

'Cause if we're to be together

Then it's got to be divine

And I can't really tell you what I'm gonna do

There are so many thoughts in my head

There are two roads to walk down and one road to choose

So I'm thinking over the things that you've said

Thinking over the things...

I'm thinking over

Thinking over

Thinking over

The things that you've said

And I'm thinking over

Thinking over

Thinking over the things...

Father, which way should I go?

I cannot clearly see...

Thinking over

The things that you've said

I'm thinking over

Thinking over

Only you know if he's the one for me

I cant really tell you

What I'm gonna do

There are so many thoughts in my head

There are two roads to walk down

And one road to choose

So I'm thinking over

The things that you've said

 

Thinking over

Thinking over

Great Scott!!! I can't even begin to tell you how much of a horrible person I feel like. And why do I feel so crummy?

Because once again, I'm a stop sign, caught between a green light and a stop sign. I am so ready to get on with my life but I have nothing to get me there. I've been walking for miles. Just when I get to what seems like a promising destination, the door closes. So I keep walking. And I keep looking for those open doors. Sometimes I go through the doors, don't like what I see, and walk right back out.

The question is "Why don't I like I what I see?" Am I afraid I'm going to fail? Or am I afraid to succeed? Am I afraid of getting hurt? Or actually making a friend?

I'm just afraid. I don't know how things are going to turn out. And I get nervous that I won't be able to handle the results. I hate that.

Another thing I hate about myself is that I am way too over-analytical. (Is that a word?) I think things through over and over again before I make my decision. Then once the decision is made, I mull over that, too. So the next time I make a decision, I try not to think about it and I come to regret it immediately. What gives?! Some people make it look so easy. So why am I having such a hard time with it?
I never wanted to grow up. I mean, sure I had dreams and goals that could only be achieved as an adult, but I wanted to stay in the comfort of my childhood innocence for the rest of my life. Peter Pan is to blame for that one! Do you know how many times I watched that, sang those songs, and still...here I am, writing as a 20-year old... it's just not fair. :)

Maybe this doesn't make sense. Maybe it does. But I know for me, it's all too real and getting old fast. I'm tired of struggling and - though they deny it -disappointing my friends and family.

I just don't know.

Any advice?