I'm struggling, like I always do.

I've always had issues with my body.
I'm too pale.

I'm too fat.

My hair doesn't cooperate.

My feet are too wide.

I hate that I have to wear glasses.

I hate my legs.

And the list goes on.

I've never felt like I was pretty enough or skinny enough.

And even though at the time I weighed 130lbs., the guy I was dating at the time said it was "embarrassing" for me to weigh more then him.

Well, it's not my fault he was a skinny twirp that only weighed 115 lbs.

But it still hurt.

So I guess you could say it started then.

I also stopped playing sports when I switched to homeschooling.

I injured my ankle/foot a few years ago, and it makes intense exercise difficult sometimes.

I'm not making excuses, or blaming anyone.

But I'm not saying this is all self-inflicted.

I mean, I could choose to let it go and be comfortable with my body.

It's difficult, though.

Everyday, we are bombarded with images of what is considered

beautiful,

sexy,

attractive,

perfect.

And I'm not exactly a poster child for that kinda thing.

But I'm working on it.

I've accepted my body the way it is,

but I love myself too much to let it stay this way or get worse.

There is exactly one year til Aislinn's wedding.
That size that's on my dress? Well, I want it to be taken in.

A lot!

Until then, I'm singing songs like "Beautiful" by Bethany Dillon, "Believe in Me" by Demi Lovato, and "More Beautiful You" by Johnny Diaz.



They just don't write 'em like they used to...

Today I watched in silence as people passed me by,
And I strained to see if there was something hidden in their eyes;
But they all looked at me as if to say
Life just goes on.

The old familiar story told in different ways,
Make the most of your own journey from the cradle to the grave;
Dream your dreams tomorrow because today
Life must go on.

CHORUS
But there’s more to this life than living and dying,
More than just trying to make it through the day;
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,
And there’s more than this life alone can be.

Tonight he lies in silence staring into space,
And looks for ways to make tomorrow better than today,
But in the morning light it looks the same;
Life just goes on.

He takes care of his family, he takes care of his work,
And every Sunday morning he takes his place at the church;
And somehow he still feels a need to search,
But life just goes on.

(chorus)

So where do we start to find every part
Of what makes this life complete;
If we turn our eyes to Jesus we’ll find
Life’s true beginning is there at the cross where He died.
He died to bring us . . .

(chorus)

It happens in a blink.It happens in a flash.
It happens in the time it took to look back.
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time.
What is it I've done with my life?
It happens in a blink

This has been my life! More specifically, the past few weeks.

People have been asking "How do you feel about the move?" and "Are you excited about moving?"

The only answer I have for them is this:
"It's happened so fast, we're running on adrenaline. I'm sure in a few weeks it'll register in my brain that, 'Yeah, this is where I live now', but right now, I haven't had a chance to figure out how I feel."

Of course, you are reading this thinking, But, in your previous posts you mentioned how you were having a hard time dealing with this move.

True. So, so true. Leaving people you love is never fun.

But as far as the actual move itself, I have no idea how I feel.

The location is ideal, right in town.

It's closer to family

Not that much further from work for everyone.

It's going to be great.

But
.......
.......
I don't know.

It all just happened so fast.

Anymore, it seems like my life gets complicated when I'm not looking.
Why is that?

When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

I like listening to Billy Joel.

I don't like who he is as a person, but his job is to entertain us and he's very good at it.

I mean, if I didn't watch a certain persons movies or listen to their music because of what they believe or what kind of person they are, I'd be living under a rock. Everybody does things that not everyone is going to love. Point is, they're just doing their job.

Anyway...now that the mini-rant is over...

Billy Joel wrote my all-time favorite song in the history of the universe (no lies)

"Shameless"

Ya know, the one Garth Brooks got a hold of and KILLED! It's awesome!

Well, that and he just wrote a lot of amazing songs.

Can you imagine how cool a church would be to do Billy Joel style worship all the time?

That'd be freakin' sweet!

Well, lately, I've had "Vienna" on repeat. It's my ringtone, too.

Why?
I'm not sure exactly.

I mean, I LOVE the lyrics.

I read an interview with Billy Joel where he talked about the meaning.

Now some of the stuff, I'm thinking "How did that inspire you to write the song???"

It just didn't make sense.

But he got to the part where he was visiting his father in Vienna when he saw an elderly woman sweeping the streets. He said in America we treat our elderly badly compared to them. We put ours in rest homes while Vienna makes them feel like they're still needed and wanted. He ended by saying when he got older and felt useless, he knows Vienna waits for him.

Cheesy, maybe, but it gives you that longing for a better place when all of this craziness is over.

In my heart, I know that my Vienna is actually Heaven. I know that one day, after the insanity of this life on Earth is done, I'll have a place where I'm not forgotten about. I'll have a new purpose. Well, not "new" because my job on Earth is to do His will and serve Him with everything I have. Heaven will be my reward, but if I'm up there sweeping streets, I'll be just as honored as I would be to be invited. Ya know what I mean?

Maybe I stretched the song and it's meaning a little bit. But this is what I feel. When I hear the song, it's a reminder that this is temporary. I need to slow down, catch my breath, and even when I feel like I've lost my place, I know I have one. Heaven waits for me.

“Life is about change, sometimes it’s painful, sometimes it’s beautiful, but most of the time it’s both.” – Smallville

 If you haven't heard yet, we are moving again. And for someone who was all gung-ho for this move a couple of weeks ago, I'm having a heck of a time dealing with it.

ONE: I have to leave my church family who has been more than just a blessing to me. They brought me out of my shell and helped me heal. Even during my "I'm not going to church" phase, I still went and enjoyed the sermons and everyone's fellowship. Big changes happened in me during the past 8 months. I'm forever grateful. Thank you, KVAG.

TWO: I have to leave behind my best friend. Literally the coolest nine year old girl on the planet. I haven't told her yet, but I can honestly say I'm NOT looking forward to this conversation. Who would? I spend more time with her than my friends. Now what? So, here's to you, Sass Master, I love you! I'll miss our pool parties and Kim Possible games, your attitude and spunk, and even the Spongebob reruns. :)

You may think, "Well, you're not moving too far away. It's not like you're moving across the country."
To that I say, "True, but trust me, moving only an hour or so away is WORSE than moving across the country. You're SO CLOSE and still SO FAR. It's not like you can drop everything and hang out. Or even plan months in advance for a trip. Nope. The longest car rides ever are the ones that you travel the most. Ya know what I mean? We've traveled back and forth to New Castle and Apollo for over three years now. I swear that trip gets longer everytime. It makes for a very exhausting day. So, yeah, while we're not that far, we are not that close, either."

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together"

 Remember the video I posted a few months ago "Temporary Life" by Carly Patterson? Well, that's been a theme song since my senior year of high school. I just wanted out of this...abyss...known as Apollo. Being in the middle of no where SUCKS! And it just wasn't what I was looking for. Well, I've tried and failed at so many attempts to find myself (I know, it's not a failure, it's lesson learned!) and I was getting frustrated. Still am, to be honest. Well, I thought I had my ticket when I decided to sign up for classes this fall. I had a financial aid meeting  scheduled and decided I was "settling" and that wasn't fair. So, I cancelled everything. And that Dairy Queen job. Dang. I mean, I FINALLY found a job and I had to quit because of my allergies (severe allergy to pretty much everything, but especially peanuts) I was feeling pretty guilty about it all until we found out about the move. It all made sense. I wasn't supposed to get comfortable here. I wasn't supposed to find myself here. Thank you, Lord, for showing me this!

Life Lessons from "Letters to Juliet"

Life is the messy bits.

One of the great joys if life is having one's hair brushed.

"What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And, Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will.

Jesus, take the wheel. Take it from my hands 'cause I can't do this on my own. I'm letting go so give me one more chance to save me from the road I'm on. Jesus, take the wheel.

We Danced Anyway

I grew up listening to just about any genre of music you can think of. You name it, I know it...probably. From 1920-today, I konw and appreciate just about any kind of music out there. I love everything from Nat King Cole and Ella Fitzgerald to Phil Collins and Madonna to Garth Brooks and Faith Hill. And if you're a boy band (other than Menudo..haha!), I love you with all my heart!
Well, lately I've been caught up in reliving the '90s era of country music. You remember those days? When Leann Rimes was but a teenager singing about things way beyond her years instead of being a homewrecker. Before Garth Brooks decided to retire, comeback, and retire again. The days before Sugarland and Kellie Pickler and Rodney Atkins. When Randy Travis, George Strait, Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, and Shania Twain were *the* people to listen to. Good times. I swear I know every word to every Shania Twain song out there thanks to Amberlynn's obsession. Tim McGraw and Faith Hill will never be "has beens"...they're just too perfect in what they do.

Surprisingly enough, this post isn't about any of those people. Do you remember that chick that sang "Strawberry Wine" and "Did I Shave My Legs For This?" Do you remember who sang them - Deana Carter? Apparently she's continued to record albums but I haven't heard anything from her since the '90s.

Anyway, the song that has been on repeat for about a week is "We Danced Anyway." For those of you who don't know it, I posted it below. Listen. It's so cute!

Since Caitlin is known for relating everything to her life, here we go!

The song talks about a young couples worldwind romance in a foreign country. It was a different world for them. They didn't know the words to the song but they sang anyway. They were so in love, they didn't care. They danced to the music, even though they had never heard the song before.

I want to be so in love with life that no matter what happens, I do it anyway, if for no other reason than because I love life. Even when "the stars hang upside down", I want to be able to honestly say "I'm alright!" There's always music playing (soundtrack to our lives), and even when I don't know what the tune is, I want to dance. Dance freely, even in the rain. When I don't understand the words to the songs that are playing, I'm going to sing anyway. I will sing loud and proud because I know "I'm alright!"

These days will never happen again, I need to embrace them, and live 'em up!

My Goal: To Dance Anyway.