While I was at college, it was required that you take a class about changing your world view. Basically, it was a class where you were given a topic, and then it was open for discussion to the whole class. You discussed your morals, opinions, and beliefs in a non-judgmental environment. It was there to teach us that everyone comes from different backgrounds. Just because you are a pastor's kid, doesn't mean that all pastor's kids believe and think the same way you do. What you find offensive may be completely normal for others. It was actually my favorite class there. The work load was a bit much, but it was a class that graded me based on my opinion. I loved it! I understand that everyone has different opinions, beliefs, convictions, etc., but it's still something I haven't completely accepted. You know what I mean? I take into consideration the way they were raised (provided I know the story), I think about what they've gone through, I observe the way they act, I listen to what they say. That being said, let me share what has most recently caused me to smack my forehead and has bothered me for two months.
We're sitting in church and they showed a video that told the story of an infant that was orphaned during the earthquake in Haiti. He was malnourished and had AIDS. He wasn't expected to survive, but he did. After legal issues with his mother (who eventually found him amid the devastation), the boy was adopted into a loving family. Today, he is completely AIDS-free. This five minute video was one that grabbed your attention. It broke your heart, but made you smile at the happy ending that this innocent child deserved.
Then came the sermon. The pastor was talking about a random act of kindness by a stranger. He was emphasizing the point that despite appearances and such, the heart behind the actions is what matters. As he told the story, he mentioned how the man said it was his "rhymes with 'trucking' Christian duty" It got some chuckles, but not everyone was amused, including the person sitting beside me. "I don't think it was necessary," she said. Sure, he didn't have to say that, but he was emphasizing that though this man was uncensored and rough around the edges, his heart was right when he was helping out strangers.
So, what exactly warranted a facepalm here? They were more upset that he said "rhymes with 'trucking'" than they were about the devastating video we watched. Really?! I just don't get it. I've heard them say the literal "rhymes with 'trucking'", but the face that the pastor said that was just...appalling. Nevermind the heart wrenching images of a child dying and the mothers complete disregard for him. I just don't understand how that works. I mean, I guess I do because God has "programmed" us to have our own "Holy Discontent" (Yes, Dad...I'm referencing it!), but don't judge other people for theirs. I know this is coming across like I am judging, but believe me, I'm not. It just frustrates me that something as stupid as a curse word (even though he never said it!) made someone that upset and the fact that children everywhere are being orphaned isn't as scandalous. BULLSPIT!!! Okay, I'm done, but just know that while I've looked at this situation from different viewpoints, it still ticks me off. Seriously people...get over yourselves.
Welcome to the lessons I am learning, the memories I am making, and the humor created along the way.
11.18.2011
34 Things I Hate About Me: 2010 vs. 2011
The other day, I came across a letter I had written myself. It wasn't a typical letter, but rather a list of things I hate about myself. I know what you're thinking: What an uplifting letter! I'm sure it made you smile! You'd think so, right? I looked at this letter, hoping I'd find things that I've actually changed. And there are a few that I have. Some are superficial, some are not. Some I could just decide to let go and it wouldn't matter. Others eat at me every day. Keep in mind, I wrote this letter this time last year. I guess it was sort of a New Year's Resolution list that I had forgot about, but considering that the items in bold face are the ones I've managed to change and/or are working on, I think I did pretty well. I never thought 2011 would have been so crazy. I know we've come so far, but baby, baby, we've got so far to go!
Some things I can't change. It's who I am. It's a lot more to overcome than just turning off the television or deciding to go bowling instead of reading a book at home. It requires me to change my thought process, reprogram myself to know that I am enough. These things require patience and persistence. When I tell you this year has been a crazy year and one that brought a lot of changes, I'm not lying. This list doesn't even begin to describe it. That just shows you that I didn't know I needed to be changed. I was too focused on the things I hated about myself, and not the things God wanted me to change. I guess that's a good thing. Since 2011 was such a big year, I have high expectations for 2012. It's going to be MY year!
Bite nails (round 2 of "operation stop biting fingernails" commenced today. I did it once, I can do it again!)
Pop gum
Pop gum
Pop knuckles
Eat too much/not enough
Never really dated
Rather read alone than go to out
Eat too much/not enough
Never really dated
Rather read alone than go to out
Hangs out at home more than friends
Best friend lives 75 miles away (well, now she's at college, but it's still closer)
Cry myself to sleep
Cry too much in general
Hate shopping so clothes suck
Not graceful
Best friend lives 75 miles away (well, now she's at college, but it's still closer)
Cry myself to sleep
Cry too much in general
Hate shopping so clothes suck
Not graceful
Don't do anything/wallflower
Way too quiet/awkward
Too shy
Too distant
Most days I want a husband and family, other days just don't ask
Too shy
Too distant
Most days I want a husband and family, other days just don't ask
I don't know what I want to do with my life
My idea of fun isn't actually "fun"
My idea of fun isn't actually "fun"
I'm too opinionated
I'm too bossy
Too sarcastic
Wish I was thinner
Wish I was smarter
Wish I was prettier
Wish I could relate more
Wish I always had the right thing to say
Wish I could make babies laugh
Watch too much tv (I really hate tv anymore!)
Too many movies (which is surprising since there's a movie store a block away!)
I overanalyze
I overthink everything
I'm intimidated by people my own age
Procrastinate too much
I'm too bossy
Too sarcastic
Wish I was thinner
Wish I was smarter
Wish I was prettier
Wish I could relate more
Wish I always had the right thing to say
Wish I could make babies laugh
Watch too much tv (I really hate tv anymore!)
Too many movies (which is surprising since there's a movie store a block away!)
I overanalyze
I overthink everything
I'm intimidated by people my own age
Procrastinate too much
Some things I can't change. It's who I am. It's a lot more to overcome than just turning off the television or deciding to go bowling instead of reading a book at home. It requires me to change my thought process, reprogram myself to know that I am enough. These things require patience and persistence. When I tell you this year has been a crazy year and one that brought a lot of changes, I'm not lying. This list doesn't even begin to describe it. That just shows you that I didn't know I needed to be changed. I was too focused on the things I hated about myself, and not the things God wanted me to change. I guess that's a good thing. Since 2011 was such a big year, I have high expectations for 2012. It's going to be MY year!
11.17.2011
Ice Cream, Bullies, Ducks, and X-Files
It was an unusually warm November Tuesday when a hankering for ice cream took the best of me. It took some begging and pleading, but I was finally able to convince everyone else that, they too, wanted ice cream. On the way to the ice cream shop, we talked and sang along (quite loudly, I might add) with the radio. We were happy. Who wouldn't be with the promise of ice cream? We pull into the parking lot, and I spend a few minutes talking about Jeff Buckley. Why? I'm not sure exactly because my sister did not know who I was talking about. I found that to be absolutely appalling. Almost as if I had failed as a sister for her getting to age nineteen without hearing of Jeff Buckley. We walked into the ice cream shop, and the anticipation was almost more than I could bare. (Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but you must know that I really wanted ice cream!)
Just two people stood between me and the counter. It was almost my turn to order when the door opened. That's when I heard it - the laugh. The same laugh I had heard almost everyday until I made the decision to be homeschooled. The same laugh that was almost always directed at me. I did not have to turn around to see who it was. It was her. The girl who made my life miserable for five years. Before I knew what was happening, I was having a mini-panic attack. I mean, it had been eight years since we had seen each other. (I somehow managed to avoid her when she was dating the neighbor, but that was still five or six years ago.) I didn't want to make eye contact, fearing she'd realize who I was. I just wanted out. I ordered our ice cream and stepped to the left. I talked to my sister and responded to text messages, trying to seem oblivious to the world around me. (Usually, it's difficult to stay aware of everything around me, but that wasn't happening.) We got our ice cream and I made it to the car without a scratch.
Now you must know that, for a few days, I had been engaging in what I call "emotional eating", so the fact that I ate the entire medium Blizzard in one sitting isn't surprising. I was completely distracted by that almost close encounter. What would I say to her? What would I do if I had actually come "face-to-face" with her? She made my life hell in school. I would come home from school, crying almost everyday. We even rode the same bus at one point. It wasn't a fun time to be Caitlin. I laid awake that night, thinking about how I let her consume my thoughts and feelings. I realized that she wasn't the only one I let get to me. Between my family and my friends (old and new) and the random people that I encounter everyday, I don't think I've had feelings that were soley based on my own thoughts or actions in a while. A somewhat sad truth is that the books I read, music I listn to, and the movies I watch can either make or break my mood. I've gone to bed angry over a movie. WHO DOES THAT?! I never used to be that way. What happened?
Do you know what I think? I think it started when I went to Mount Vernon. I spent five years planning my life. 1)Bachelors and Masters at MVNU, 2) move to the city, 3) get a job, 4) go to grad school part time, 5) be Miss Independent, 5) and love life. Five years to perfect this plan. And it was completely destroyed in a really short period of time. It was not an easy time for me. A very, VERY hard lesson to learn. I have to have all of my ducks in a row before I do something. Well, I used to. I've learned to go with the flow. And sometimes that means you have to put your feelings aside and just do it. I guess I "go with the flow" too much anymore.
I need to make things happen instead of just letting them happen.
I'm going to quote him again, but this quote is still one of my all-time favorites.
"Maybe it's other people's reactions to us that makes us who we are."
Just two people stood between me and the counter. It was almost my turn to order when the door opened. That's when I heard it - the laugh. The same laugh I had heard almost everyday until I made the decision to be homeschooled. The same laugh that was almost always directed at me. I did not have to turn around to see who it was. It was her. The girl who made my life miserable for five years. Before I knew what was happening, I was having a mini-panic attack. I mean, it had been eight years since we had seen each other. (I somehow managed to avoid her when she was dating the neighbor, but that was still five or six years ago.) I didn't want to make eye contact, fearing she'd realize who I was. I just wanted out. I ordered our ice cream and stepped to the left. I talked to my sister and responded to text messages, trying to seem oblivious to the world around me. (Usually, it's difficult to stay aware of everything around me, but that wasn't happening.) We got our ice cream and I made it to the car without a scratch.
Now you must know that, for a few days, I had been engaging in what I call "emotional eating", so the fact that I ate the entire medium Blizzard in one sitting isn't surprising. I was completely distracted by that almost close encounter. What would I say to her? What would I do if I had actually come "face-to-face" with her? She made my life hell in school. I would come home from school, crying almost everyday. We even rode the same bus at one point. It wasn't a fun time to be Caitlin. I laid awake that night, thinking about how I let her consume my thoughts and feelings. I realized that she wasn't the only one I let get to me. Between my family and my friends (old and new) and the random people that I encounter everyday, I don't think I've had feelings that were soley based on my own thoughts or actions in a while. A somewhat sad truth is that the books I read, music I listn to, and the movies I watch can either make or break my mood. I've gone to bed angry over a movie. WHO DOES THAT?! I never used to be that way. What happened?
Do you know what I think? I think it started when I went to Mount Vernon. I spent five years planning my life. 1)Bachelors and Masters at MVNU, 2) move to the city, 3) get a job, 4) go to grad school part time, 5) be Miss Independent, 5) and love life. Five years to perfect this plan. And it was completely destroyed in a really short period of time. It was not an easy time for me. A very, VERY hard lesson to learn. I have to have all of my ducks in a row before I do something. Well, I used to. I've learned to go with the flow. And sometimes that means you have to put your feelings aside and just do it. I guess I "go with the flow" too much anymore.
I need to make things happen instead of just letting them happen.
I'm going to quote him again, but this quote is still one of my all-time favorites.
"Maybe it's other people's reactions to us that makes us who we are."
11.11.2011
Webster defines frienship as the state of being friends.
A friend is one attached to another by affection or esteem.
I have been thinking a lot about friends and friendship lately. Everyone looks for something different in their friends, but one thing that is always on the list is loyalty. Someone who will be there - always. Someone who, no matter the circumstances, knows exactly what you need to do or hear to help you through it.
I've been told (like I mentioned in my previous post) that I have high standards, and that goes for everyone, not just dating. Don't get me wrong, I don't want/expect people to change to be in my life. Not at all. I have a "come as you are" philosophy, but,(and this isn't the word I want but...) if you want to "earn" a place in my life, you can't just be anybody. You have to be someone.
Someone who...
I know it's "unfair" to have the expectations that books, television, and movies have for friendship. I mean, I become so attached to these characters that I seriously feel like I'm their friend. And when it's over, I feel like a part of me is missing. Isn't that stupid and foolish of me?
Where are these kind of people at? I don't care what you think of my expectations. I really don't. There is WAY too many shallow, only-there-when-it's-convenient friends out there and I'm sick of it. So, yeah, if you could just help me out there, Lord, I'd appreciate it. :)
A friend is one attached to another by affection or esteem.
I have been thinking a lot about friends and friendship lately. Everyone looks for something different in their friends, but one thing that is always on the list is loyalty. Someone who will be there - always. Someone who, no matter the circumstances, knows exactly what you need to do or hear to help you through it.
I've been told (like I mentioned in my previous post) that I have high standards, and that goes for everyone, not just dating. Don't get me wrong, I don't want/expect people to change to be in my life. Not at all. I have a "come as you are" philosophy, but,(and this isn't the word I want but...) if you want to "earn" a place in my life, you can't just be anybody. You have to be someone.
Someone who...
- is honest
- is loyal
- doesn't pull any punches
- shows me the best and worst qualities in myself
- helps me through tough situations
- challenges me to be better
- loves me for me
- loves me enough to keep me moving forward
- makes me laugh like no one else
- holds me when I cry
- leaves me speechless
- I can talk to about the most stupid, superficial stuff, and five minutes later have the deepest, most thought-provoking conversation of my life
- lets me drop my guard (without even realizing it)
- makes me try new things
- doesn't say "I told you so"
- allows me to ask stupid questions but knows my intelligence isn't limited to them
- who has the same expectations of me
I know it's "unfair" to have the expectations that books, television, and movies have for friendship. I mean, I become so attached to these characters that I seriously feel like I'm their friend. And when it's over, I feel like a part of me is missing. Isn't that stupid and foolish of me?
- Cory and Shawn
- Will and Grace
- Buzz and Woody
- Samwise and Frodo
- Pooh and Piglet
- Frog and Toad
- Spongebob and Patrick
- Shawn and Gus
- Marlin and Dorey
- Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Monica, and Chandler
- Rose, Sophia, Dorothy, and Blanche
- Lucy and Ethel
- Laverne and Shirley (don't forget Lenny and Squiggy!)
Where are these kind of people at? I don't care what you think of my expectations. I really don't. There is WAY too many shallow, only-there-when-it's-convenient friends out there and I'm sick of it. So, yeah, if you could just help me out there, Lord, I'd appreciate it. :)
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