Haven't you heard?

I'm gonna be okay.

I feel like I say that a lot. Now if only I could start believing it...


The other day, I got off of work, went to a job interview, and came home to study and take a test. I wasn't fifteen minutes into studying when the overwhelming urge to close my book and cry got the best of me. Immediately, I could hear The Fray singing, "Eeeveryoonne knooows I'm iiin overrr my head!" It seemed a bit premature considering classes had only started a few days before, but that wasn't what I was upset about.

No, I was upset about the fact that I thought I could just ignore life by studying and working. Ha. I knew I couldn't, but there was still a part of me that thought "Eh, you can try." And I did. And I failed. Rather quickly, too.

I don't claim to have it all together. I just don't let others know that I don't. Those that know me can agree that it is an incredibly frustrating personality flaw. It's not that I don't want other people to know, because there are a few people that have earned the right and deserve to know. I'm just not used to people actually caring. I'm used to distracting myself from the problem or the reality of my life. I know it's not going to work, yet I do it every single time. What gives?

I lay awake tonight completely and totally exhausted. I can't remember the last time I felt this worn out. I'm thinking about what I wanted from my life over the next year. A second job can wait. I don't have to study every free moment I have. My emotional state is more important to me right now than dean's list or enough hours at work. I don't have to do anything. I don't have to prove anything. It was never about that. It was about what I could do. And I obviously can't handle everything changing all at once. And that's okay. I don't need to have it all right now. I've always waited my turn, but stepped up to the plate with as much enthusiasm as the first batter up. While I'm taking control now, I still have to wait until I'm ready. I still have to wait until my name is called. And when it is, I'm going to hit it out of the park. Maybe not right away, but hey... you can't win them all. :)

You're gonna make it after all, Caitlin!

big girl moments

 

Did I really enroll in classes?

 

Yes, you did.

 

 

 

 

Did I really make a grown-up decision based on nothing but the faith someone else has in me?

 

Yes, you did.

 

 

 

 

Did I really agree to take this on, both mentally and financially?

 

Yes, you did.

 

 

 

Did I really say "I can do this" and believe it?

 

Yes, you did,  Caitlin. Yes, you did.

 

 

 

 

Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking. Loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making. Don't let some hellbent heart leave you bitter. When you come close to selling out, reconsider. And when you get the choice to sit out or dance - I hope you dance.

 

 

 

 

 

Excuses, Explanations, and Entitlement.

Do you want to know what one of Caitlin's biggest pet peeves is?

Excuses.

Not just excuses for doing or not doing something. Excuses for having a certain attitude or outlook. Excuses for treating people in whichever manner you want to. Excuses for "being the way you are."

If you want my opinion, there are no excuses. Period.

Only explanations.

When I hear people defend someone for their behavior, I get more irritated at that then I did the wrong-doings of the person they're defending. Why? One, it's none of their business to step in and make an excuse for them. And two, it's giving these people a free pass to do whatever they want to whomever they want and it's "okay."

No. It's not.

If you're a friend, treat me like a friend treats another friend. Don't go behind my back, calling me names, getting pissy because I don't spend every moment with you. Especially if you are the one who moves away, forgets their friends, and goes gallivanting off like some stranger. A new environment is not an excuse to do something like that. A culture shock is not an excuse, either. There is grace for adjusting, but after so long, it's exhausting to try and be empathetic.

If you have a serious medical condition, I can understand your melancholy or nervousness. However, that doesn't mean I am going to sit around and be treated like crap until you get over it. I'm not saying you don't deserve to have these feelings. I'm just saying it's not an excuse to be bitter.

I am done with people and entitlement. No one is entitled to anything, including behaving the way they want to.

Don't do it. Just... don't do it.

Grow up and take responsibility for yourself.

Better Then I Know Myself

Cold as ice

And more bitter than a December

Winter night

That's how I treated you

And I know that I

I sometimes tend to lose my temper

And I cross the line

Yeah that's the truth

I know it gets hard sometimes

But I could never

Leave your side

No matter what I say

Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,

But I really need you near me to

Keep my mind off the edge

If I wanted to leave I would have left by now

But you're the only one that knows me

Better than I know myself

All along

I tried to pretend it didn't matter

If I was alone

But deep down I know

If you were gone

For even a day I wouldn't know which way to turn

Cause I'm lost without you

I get kind of dark

Let it go too far

I can be obnoxious at times

But try and see my heart

Cause I need you now

So don't let me down

You're the only thing in this world

I would die without

Don't you love this song? Okay, well, I do. The first time I heard it I remember thinking, "Wow... this is so me!" The more I listen to it, the more I realize just how true it really is. There are a few relationships that this applies to in my life.

• Me, Myself, and I: We've been over my over-analytical tendencies. We've established that when it comes to the cliche "You are your own worst enemy" that I am the prime example. The truth is I am a horrible person to myself. I talk down to myself. I make myself feel like I'm not good enough and I never will be. I tell myself lies. I can usually talk myself out of anything good ever happening. I am a horrible person. But then I stop and think, "Wow. God I suck." and I get a much needed reality check. After realizing I'm not as much of a loser as I tell myself I am, I can go through life with a smile on my face. Most of the time, though, the smile is hiding the battle going on anyway. And that's what sucks the most. I feel that by lying to myself that I'm okay, and trying to convince others that everything is fine that I am a despicable human being. And I am. All my life, I've fought against myself. My parents had me take a personality test for a parenting class they were in and my results were conflicting - every time I took it. To this day, they are conflicting. It's not a 60% in one area and a 40% in another. No, it's 50/50.  So, while I will probably always be at war with myself, I'm working on making those battles less intense. I deserve it. And so do the people around me.
• Friends and Family I Love: You know, those people who are so unbelievable amazing you can't imagine life without them? And the very thought that there will come a time when they won't be in your life is completely terrifying and makes you physically ill? No? Maybe that's just me, too. When it comes to the people I care about, I know that they could just walk away. While I wouldn't want that to happen, I understand that it is a legitimate possibility that can occur at any given moment. They are beyond patient with me and my "mood swings" and it's not something I take for granted. I'm opinionated, sarcastic, and I am never able to say what I really feel. I cry at the drop of a hat. I always find something to be insecure about. I am afraid to make a decision because I know whatever I choose I have to live with. Do you know what? They still love me. I'm impossible to deal with and they still love me. They still choose to hang out with me. They save me every day, whether it's a phone call, an act of kindness, or just a smile. And I love them more than I ever knew I could.
• Friends and Family I Kinda-Sorta-Don't-Like: My sister asked me a few months ago, "If they treat you like crap, why don't you just drop them? Why do you keep going back? Why do you keep putting yourself through this?" Well... *nervous chuckle* You see... *sigh* it's complicated. I've said before that "something keeps me holding onto nothing." I don't know if it's memories, wishful thinking, or just the benefit of the doubt. Despite my "I hate people" attitude, I really believe people have good intentions. When you've had the chance to get to know people, you know their heart and what makes them tick, it's hard to change your opinion of them. The changes you witness in them can be hard to accept. They've helped you in so many ways, it's hard to imagine what would happen if you let go forever. And I know... the whole idea sounds desperate and naive, but I won't give up until I now that I know that I know that I know there is nothing left.
• Strangers: Give me a chance. I'm willing to do the same.

That awkward moment when you've watched every possible tear-jerker in the world, listened to every sad song ever written, read all of your favorite sob stories, and you still have the knot of feelings in your stomach. The one that makes you want to vomit. The one that, at any moment, will make you bawl your eyes out. The one that says you've fnally learned to love people and you don't know how to deal with that. The one that says you've over-analyzed everything. The one that tells you that there are some things you cannot change. The feeling that is much more than magenta, because even you know there are far too many emotions involved. You are much too smart for such confusion, Caitlin.

She has no idea... the effect she can have.

Peeta Mellark

Time may change me, but I can't trace time.

Last summer, I decided enough was enough. I had to take control of my life. Grow up. Be that fierce, independent woman I longed to be.

I felt like my "let's see what happens" attitude wasn't working anymore. Don't get me wrong, I understood that I had been an "adult" for a few years, and I was in charge of my own life. I think living at home gives me that security blanket to go to if things aren't going swell. That's not always a good thing, especially for me. But with a little prodding, I decided to make it happen. I put myself out there and found a great job that I love. I (finally) got my license, and though I hate every minute of it, I do it because that's what you do when you're an adult. I learned that being outgoing was uncomfortable for a moment, but it definitely outweighed the alternative of being lonely. I found an unlikely release that I grew to love so much that I decided to conitnue in the fall.

I know what you're thinking: This doesn't sound like Caitlin. She's changed. She's not the same person.

Uh, duh!

Then again, I never let people get to know me very well, so is it really that I've changed, or that I've decided to show them who I really am?

To be honest, I think it's a little bit of both. I have changed. I am a lot more outgoing than I used to be. I mingle at parties, I talk to people I don't know, I show off my personality and I don't care who likes it. It's me. If you don't like it, I'm sorry, but screw you. I've spent 21 years living in the shadows of everyone else because that's what I did. It was expected of me. I was "the quiet one" and that's still what people think. Now that I'm showing them exactly who Caitlin is, they're put off by it. At times, it's discouraging because I'm finally coming out as Caitlin and it's not being received very well. Other times, I just don't care. Take it or leave it.
In fact, here is what I have to say about all of things that have been said about me lately:

• I'm a bitch. Nope, I'm just not letting people walk all over me anymore.
• I'm a diva. No, my flair for the dramatic is just a little more dominant.
• I'm a snob. No, I have never thought I was better than anyone. I just have a new-found confidence and I'm embracing it. Little by little, the insecure girl I used to be is finding out she loves who she is.
• I don't care about anyone. Couldn't be further from the truth. I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's not true. It's just not.
• I'm some crazy party girl. This just ticks me off and makes me laugh all at the same time. First of all: I am not a party girl. I do enjoy the occassional drink, staying out late, dancing with friends, and all that jazz. However, this does not mean I'm an alcoholic or that I'm next in line for some MTV reality show. I'm just having fun. No, it's not the kind of fun people are used to me having (sipping coffee while I read a book at a bistro) but it's fun for me. I'm loving life - let me do it.

I never thought I would find myself writing this part.

I never thought I could do it.

This year, I've learned:

• How a little hard work can make you feel like a million bucks
• How much better I felt when my jeans fit perfectly
• How pretty I could feel, even in a hoodie
• How I am capable of doing anything if I set my mind to it

If you look at the first photo...

subtract thirty-five pounds...

you get the sassy, happier Caitlin you see in the bottom picture.

It's a great feeling. I almost cried when I saw this picture (taken at my high school graduation) because I was not happy. I remember being miserable and insecure. I almost didn't post it, but then I realized, "Hello, McFly! You walked around looking like that for years!" Then, I got over it. You see, I'm not embarrassed for who I was, I'm just embarrassed at how I felt about myself. Now, I have this new confidence and, though I hate shopping, I love how I can buy those cute little tops and the size 5 (yes, 5!) jeans.

I'm not saying that my confidence is coming from how I look.

It's been a journey.

I know, everybody says that, but it's true.

This has been a learning experience, and I am loving who I am now. Even the parts I hate about myself, I love more than I used to. I'm growing up and accepting that who I am now is who I've always been, just hiding behind the scenes.

So, here's to you, Caitlin. You no longer have to be...

• The Quiet One
• The Other Sister
• The Good One
• The Nice One
• The Prude
• The Unapproachable One
• The One Who Disappointed Them
• The One Who Will Never Say No
• The One Who Doesn't Need Anyone
• The One Who Will "Always Be"

... because you know that those labels were decided for you.

 

If this is what this past year has been like, I can't wait to see what the next year has in store for me! :)

I have had this song in my head for about five months. I heard it three times today. Cheers to getting emotional over a MatchboxTwenty song!

I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
And you think I'm weak, I think you're wrong

I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
And now I'm relaxed and I can't be sure

But I think you're so mean, I think we should try
I think I could need this in my life
And I think I'm scared, I think too much
I know it's wrong, it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room but I can hardly move
And if you're gone, baby, you need to come home
'Cause there's a little bit of something me in everything in you

I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need more than you mind

And I think you're so mean, I think we should try
I think I could need this in my life
And I think I'm scared that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling

If you're gone maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room but I can hardly move
If you're gone, baby, you need to come home
There's a little bit of something me in everything in you

I think you're so mean, I think we should try
I think I could need this in my life
And I think I'm scared, do I talk too much
I know it's wrong, it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room but I can hardly move
And if you're gone, yeah, baby, you need to come home
There's a little bit of something me in everything in you

Big Girl Moments

Once upon a time, I was a faithful member of Twitter. I'd tweet quotes, lyrics, thoughts, or random moments from my day.
At one point, I found myself using the hashtag #biggirlmoments to describe certain situations that were forcing me to grow up. They weren't all uncomfortable, at least not as uncomfortable as I anticipated they would be. I knew I had to do it.

Over the past several months, I have faced several fears head on:

• Succeeding (failure is expected, succeeding is not)
• Being in front of a crowd (choirs helped so much)
• Having friends (and being one, at that)
• Feeling pretty (we've been over "the other sister" thing)
• Getting my license (I'm street legal, guys!)
• Taking the first step (whether it's initiating conversation or admitting I am wrong)
• Looking at things in a different way (I'm so grateful for the people that challenge me to look at things differently, even though I may not believe that way)
• Keeping my mouth shut (It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I'm learning that sometimes... it's just not worth it)
• Losing over thirty pounds (as of today... so excited! My bridesmaids dress needs taken in a few more inches. I guess five just wasn't enough. :P)
• Getting a credit card (how else am I supposed to earn credit?)
• Getting contacts (it's about time!)
• Having a job I love (I knew there had to be a reason for so many disappointments)

And do you know what? This is just since November. Overwhelming, much? It's awesome! I'm loving every minute of it! :) I get overwhelmed sometimes, but I am becoming the woman I'm supposed to be, the friend I need to be, and the daughter He created me to be. I'm being tested, challenged, and stretched, and it's exhausting (in all areas). But I am also being refined, renewed, and finding myself to becoming a better person. And that's what it's all about.

In case you didn't know.....

Sometimes I couldn't hear what
You tried to tell me
I thought that I knew all I need to know

I didn't understand that
The doors you would open
Could take me to somewhere
I wanted to go
I can be strong for you now
You taught me how

I learned from you that
I do not crumble
I learned that strength is
Something you choose
All of the reasons
To keep on believing
There's no question
That's a lesson
I learned from you
You know where to find all of my hiding places
And there are no secrets from you I can keep
You let me know how you feel
Pulling no punches
And I never knew that kind of honesty

I'm grateful for all of the times
You opened my eyes

You help me to stand on my own
And I thank you for that
It saved me, it made me
And now that I'm looking back
I can say

My Paper Heart: The Fifth Page

Beneath the sarcasm, quirky looks, and "whatever" attitude is an insecure girl that takes almost everything you say to heart. Whether it be positive or negative, I remember everything that is ever said to me. More importantly, I remember how it made me feel.

You're a person.

A person I know.

We have a relationship of some sort.

Some of you, it's sad to say, I cannot stand.

Like, I literally want to punch you in the face before you even speak.

Others, I respect more than anything.

There really is no "happy medium" for this.

Either I like you or I don't.

If I don't like you, chances are I've already told you. You just think it's sarcasm.

If I do like you, my fear of your reactions to my opinions and feelings is completely terrifying.

And I hate that.

One of my favorite quotes is an excerpt from the letter Hamlet wrote Ophelia (Act 2, I believe): Doubt thou the stars are fire. Doubt thou the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar. But never doubt I love.

My interpretation is simple: you don't have to believe me when I tell you things that are beyond my control. I can't help that. But don't doubt my feelings. That will make me angry faster than anything else. How dare you assume you know exactly how I'm feeling about a situation or a person. It's insulting. It's as though you're saying what I'm feeling is wrong. You don't know how I should feel or why I should feel that way. And quite frankly, it's none of your business.

It's just the long way home

I got some rocks in my shoes
Fears I wish I could lose
That make the mountains so hard to climb
And my heart gets so heavy with the weight of the world sometimes

There's a bag of regrets,
My should've beens, and not yets
I keep on dragging around
And I can hardly wait for the day I get to lay them all down
I know that day is coming
I know its gonna be here soon
And I won't turn back even if the whole world says I'm going the wrong way
Cause its just the long way home

Cause our God has made a promise
And I know that everything He says is true
And I know wherever we go
He will never leave us
Cause He's gonna lead us home

We Bought A Zoo

All you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Like, twenty seconds of embarrassing bravery, and I promise you won't regret it.

The human conflict is amazing. The words of wisdom from unlikely people that make you feel inspired. The tears, both joyous and sorrowful. The knot in your throat from the overwhelming emotions.

Needless to say, the movie was definitely better than the hype.

The song on repeat today...

Tall, dark and Superman
He puts papers in his briefcase and drives away
To save the world or go to work
It's the same thing to me
He's got his mother's eyes, his father's ambition
I wonder if he knows how much that I miss him
I hang on every word you say, yay
And you smile and say, "How are you? "
I say, "Just fine"
I always forget to tell you, I love you, I love you... forever

I watch superman fly away
You've got a busy day today
Go save the world, I'll be around
I watch superman fly away
Come back I'll be with you someday
I'll be right here on the ground
When you come back down

Tall, dark and beautiful
He's complicated, he's irrational
But I hope someday you'll take me away and save the day, yeah
Something in his deep brown eyes has me seeing
He's not all bad like his reputation
And I can't hear one single word they say
And you'll leave, got places to be and I'll be okay
I always forget to tell you I love you, I loved you from the very first day

I watch superman fly away
You've got a busy day today
Go save the world I'll be around
I watch superman fly away
Come back I'll be with you someday
I'll be right here on the ground
When you come back down

And I watch you fly around the world
And I hope you don't save some other girl
Don't forget, don't forget about me
I'm far away but I never let you go
I'm lovestruck and looking out the window
Don't forget, don't forget where I'll be
Right here wishing the flowers were from you
Wishing the card was from you
Wishing the call was from you

'Cause I loved you from the very first day

I watch superman fly away
You've got a busy day today
Go save the world, I'll be around...
Forever and ever here
I watch superman fly away
I swear I'll be with you someday
I'll be right here on the ground
When you come back down

Metaphorical Tugging of the Pigtails

When the subject of a casual conversation transitioned (to one of apparent regular occurrence), I quickly turned my attention with it to appear like I was interested. Little did I know just how involved I would be in this conversation. The opinions of the other person were not only random, but shocking, too, as they did not have any idea to whom we we were referring to. Having never met them, they already had opinions of this person and my relationship with them. "Every time they like or comment on your status, it's like pulling pigtails at recess."

Lady-I-don't-know-very-well-who-thinks-they-know-everything-because-they-stalk-my-Facebook-page say what?!

Hmm. So every male friend on Facebook that likes my status is in love with me? Good to know. And every female friend on Facebook is, like, my BFF? Wow. And here I thought I sucked at making friends.

The idea of Facebook being a playground where your pokes, comments, and likes are elementary forms of flirting is completely stupid. Forgive my opinions, but seriously? No, it's called having something in common, and acknowledging that similarity. If this were a face-to-face conversation, would it still be flirting? Okay, so maybe you would see it that way, but I assure you, it is not.

While the metaphor is rather hilarious, I have to disagree. :)

My Paper Heart: The Fourth Page

Beneath the sarcasm, quirky looks, and "whatever" attitude is an insecure girl that takes almost everything you say to heart. Whether it be positive or negative, I remember everything that is ever said to me. More importantly, I remember how it made me feel.


I had become very good at the whole "I don't need anybody" mentality. And then I realized - it sucked. I started opening up to people and before I knew it, I was making friends, having fun, and just a happier person. I think it's because we were always moving around, so it was easier on the heartache to just keep a distance as long as possible. Now that I'm letting that go, I'm loving it. :) However, I'm learning that being left is far worse than leaving. This year, everyone is leaving me. They have their reasons, and it's nothing personal towards me, but they have to do what's best for them. Will I ask them to stay? Not a chance. I am way too excited to see where their lives are taking them. My life is going places, too. Does that mean I'm not going to miss them? Of course not! But, I'm not going to sit around waiting for them to come back. This is the worst part about growing up. Everyone is going their own ways, and it's "natural", we're supposed to accept it... that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I am having a very difficult time dealing with the idea that in a few months, EVERYTHING will change. They will never be the same. And I don't like that.

My Paper Heart: The Third Page

Beneath the sarcasm, quirky looks, and "whatever" attitude is an insecure girl that takes almost everything you say to heart. Whether it be positive or negative, I remember everything that is ever said to me. More importantly, I remember how it made me feel.


Sensitive issue number three is my license. No, I did not get my license in high school. I had my permit, and hated driving so much, I never got my license. In December, I got my permit for the second time, and I have been relunctantly behind the wheel ever since. Sometimes I volunteer, whether I truly want to drive or just to get it over with. But most of the time, I'm forced to. And when I'm forced to do something I completely and totally hate, I get cranky like *snaps fingers* that! I get this "whatever" attitude, and that's a bad thing when you're driving a car. I get stressed, nervous, upset, and angry all at once... and it's very exhausting. I hate everything about driving, except the knowledge that I will have more freedom to be me and have fun, etc. And with Aislinn moving out in June, I'm screwed. I'm way passed the point of "let's just get this over with", but certain people don't think that's good enough. I'm not ready until I get my attitude in check. Wanna know what I'm so sick of hearing? "We all have to do things we don't want to." Uh, duh. I get that. I'm not nine. And, I'm not about to start behaving like it, either. I sincerely regret not getting my license five years ago. But, what's done is done. Just please, let me do what I need to do. My attitude can change, but not because you tell me to change it, but because I recognize that it has to. That's the way it works.

My Paper Heart: The Second Page

Beneath the sarcasm, quirky looks, and "whatever" attitude is an insecure girl that takes almost everything you say to heart. Whether it be positive or negative, I remember everything that is ever said to me. More importantly, I remember how it made me feel.


I think weight is a sensitive issue with everyone, but women especially. The awkward, clutzy "girly-girl" you know today used to be an athletic tomboy. I know what you're thinking: "SHUT UP?!" It's true. I played soccer (fall and spring), basketball, and softball every year. I was always doing something. When I made the decision to be homeschooled, all of those activities stopped. I slowly became inactive and eventually turned into the non-athletic person I am now. Then I fell, tearing all of the ligaments in my foot and ankle. I went through physical therapy, and was pretty much idle for a few months. I couldn't even walk up my street without severe pain and discomfort for several months. I gained 25 pounds with that injury. Ouch, right? Awesome. That stayed for a few years. Then, last summer, I developed what we now know to be "severe stress" symptoms. Even the smell of bread was nauseating. And then I lost 15 pounds in a month. I got stuck for a few months. Then the symptoms returned, and I lost another 5. Slowly (very slowly), I've lost about three more. I don't care if people haven't noticed. I have. None of my clothes fit me. Like, none of them. I'm digging through boxes of clothes that we thought we had donated to find ones that fit. And it's exciting for me! I bought my dress for Amber's wedding two sizes smaller than the one I bought for Aislinn's. I had four inches taken off of the waist on the one for Aislinn's. It's exciting. But, don't sit there and openly dispute my weight loss/gain. It's not of your business. I don't care if "it doesn't look like it" or you "don't believe it". My point: I don't talk about your weight, so don't talk about mine. I know what's going on. My doctor does. My wardrobe does. You're opinion just pisses me off.

My Paper Heart: The First Page

Beneath the sarcasm, quirky looks, and "whatever" attitude is an insecure girl that takes almost everything you say to heart. Whether it be positive or negative, I remember everything that is ever said to me. More importantly, I remember how it made me feel.

Believe it or not, a very senstive issue with me is my relationship status. I've never been caught up with having a boyfriend or getting all mushy over a guy. That's just not the way I am. Then, Aislinn got engaged. (I can't imagine being married at my age. The thought is almost repulsive. Why? Because I am not even close to being ready to being in that serious of a relationship.) I had to deal with the expected-but-not-acceptable comments, like, "How does it feel knowing your younger sister is getting married before you?" and "So, when are you getting engaged?" and, my personal favorite, "You're smart. You just stay away from men altogether, huh?" I'd laugh them off. Make a joke. Tell them the honest truth, that I'm just not ready. I thought if I waited it out, they would eventually end. And I was right. And then Amberlynn got engaged. And they started all over again. No big deal. I'd become a pro at handling them with wit and a smile. And when Amberlynn and Bryan decided to get married now, and have a ceremony in October, I thought, "Well, that's good. Getting it out of the way for right now... I like it." Boy, was I wrong. Now, keep in mind, the wedding was only a few hours ago, and I've already had it up to here (*swift motions above the head*) with comments. And there were only about 15 people there that gave a crap about my life. So, when it comes to questioning my relationship status: Whatever happens, happens. I'm not on the hunt for a husband. I'm just enjoying life and being 21. So, don't let your imagination get out of hand, okay? Oh, and I definitely don't want to be set up with your daughter's friend's cousin. :)

BlimeyCow Gets It Right.

I'm a big fan of blimeycow on YouTube. Jordan makes a short video discussing things like "how to be more than friends", "myths about homeschoolers", and "the three kinds of churches", and he's pretty spot on. Maybe it's because he's around the same age as I am, but I haven't completely disagreed with anything he's said. We need more people like him!

Around 3:10 in this video, he compares modern worship with hymns. And it's exactly what I've been saying for years!! I was told it was unusual for someone my age to feel this way towards Sunday worship, but here's proof that I'm not alone. Thank God!

I know now you're my only hope...

Sing to me the song of the stars, of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again. When it seems that my dreams are so far, sing to me all the plans that you have for me over again.

All women, despite what they may tell you, love at least one of Nicholas Sparks' novels. The first time I ever heard of Nicholas Sparks was when "A Walk to Remember" was released in theaters. I remember bawling my eyes out. I had no idea that every story he wrote would do this to me.

There's a scene in the movie where Jamie is singing to Landon in the school play. The song, "Only Hope" (also sung by Switchfoot, though falls short compared Mandy Moore's flawless voice) is a romantic ballad that is just... it's mesmerizing. The lyrics talk about the ups and downs of life being scary, but this one person, their 'only hope', makes it seem as though everything is alright.

To be only yours, I pray. I know now you're my only hope.

I guess it doesn't really matter if you are to them what they are to you. It's almost like you have a reason to keep going, whether or not you are their reason. You pray that one day you will be, but when it comes down to it, if you aren't, you'll be alright. That's how I see it. I've never been in love, but I'm sure it's the same as the whole give and take concept. They may not realize they've been giving you inspiration, but they keep doing it. You realize you are becoming a better person.

I only ask one thing: Thank them. They'll never know if you don't tell them. :)

I hate bullying just as much as everyone else.

But you can't fight fire with fire. It doesn't work like that. Lashing out at bullies saying "It must suck to be born without a heart" and "You must be sick in the head or have something seriously wrong with you" is not going to solve the problem. By saying those things, you're just as bad as them.

So, here's to you, Demi Lovato, for being one of those beloved celebrities who only get media attention for being able to talk out of both sides of their mouth.

Inside My "Tangled" Mind: Episode Two

The skies are dark, the constant threat of storms are heavy in the air. I wander into a boutique with my family. We are mesmerized by way the store appears to go on for miles. The endless racks holding what seem to be an infinite number of dresses are overwhelming. My sister tries on dresses. My mother assists her. My sister, a friend, and myself wait patiently for her reveal in the room. We notice a display of tiaras and veils, and, like any woman would, we find ourselves admiring their sparkly radiance. Our friend picks up a tiara and places it on my head saying, "This one was made for you!" I take a step back and pivot in the direction of the oval-shaped standing mirror. My eyes widen. My jaw drops. I catch my breath. It is surreal. I bring my hand to my head, smoothing my hair. I run my fingers over the rhinestones. I take a mental photograph to save for future reminiscing. I remove the tiara from my head and place it back on the table. It was that moment that I realized I was born to wear it.


I was born with blond hair. It was around age four when my parents cut my hair. Shortly after, my hair turned brown. It has remained brown for the last seventeen or eighteen years. An unfortunate truth about my hair is it grows at a very slow pace. It is exceptionally frustrating. It is not straight, it is not curly. It does not hold a curl made with a curling iron or rollers.


When I was born, my parents couldn't hold me for over a week. They tell me I was sick, but I have to wonder if I really was. Maybe, just maybe, if something else was going on. Perhaps a switch...


Have you figured it out yet?

These stories, along with the stories written here, I have come to the conclusion that I am the lost princess.

You're laughing.

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to stop.

You know I don't believe in coincidence, so... how else do you explain it?

The Best Thing :)

This song can put me in a better mood almost instantaneously. It's so fun and catchy. It simplifies what might be complex emotions for some. And... it's so freakin' cute! :) How can you not love Relient K? So, I'm sharing the video and the lyrics with you. Have a fabulous Friday! :)

It's been a year
Filled with problems
But now you're here
Almost as if to solve them
And I can't live in a world without you now
All my life
I've been searching for you
How did I survive
In this world before you
Cause I don't wanna live another day without you now

This is the best thing
The best thing that could be happening
And I think you would agree
The best thing is that it's
Happening to you and me
All I'm gonna have
Is all that you can give me
And I'll give right back
Everything I have in me
Cause nothing ever felt as right
As this does right now
I'll go back to before we met
Try and erase the past
Try harder to forget cause
Nothing will ever be as good as here and now

Cause when I looked into your eyes
And you dared to stare right back
You should've said "Nice to meet you, I'm your other half"

Always knew
I'd find someone
I never dreamt
It'd be like this
You've surpassed
All that I've hoped for (and ever wished)
And I'm tryin'
So hard
With all my heart and mind
To make your life
As good as you've made mine

Like It, Love It, Gotta Have It

A crush can only last for four months. If it exceeds, you are in love.

True or false?

In a recent article I read, it said infatuation can only last for four months. People get bored, come to their senses, or merely realize the instant attraction wasn't everything they thought it was. If these feelings continue after that, it's a serious connection and the attachment is more than just a crush.

Things that make you go "Hmmm?"

I can honestly say I do not have an opinion on this. It's one of those psychological facts that I don't know if I should believe or not.

There is one thing I know:
If it is true, then the meaning of love has been devalued even more than I realized.

This means that people who have had crushes on the same person for longer than a few months are in love with them.

Seriously?

But...
On the other hand, I guess that would explain the heartbreak most of us experience when the other person is dating someone else or tells us they don't feel the same way.

And if it is more than just a crush, we've seriously underestimated our capibility for passion, and should find a way to express it in all areas of our lives.

My heart tonight....

I don't want you to know where I am 'cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been. This is no place to try and live my life...I'm sorry for the person I became. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change. I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again.

And it goes on and on and on...

It has been my experience when a sentence begins with, "I know you don't want to hear this, but...", the results typically prove them right. So, why on earth would they say it? If they know how it will make me feel, why would they tell me? Maybe they do not know the intensity of the emotions, but that is no reason to bring them up. And to bring them up so casually, as if it is no big deal? There are two reasons why one does not talk about something: either it means nothing or it means everything.

Some people are an open book. They do not have secrets. They are able to talk about anything and everything, and they do not hold anything back.

I am not like that. I have said it before, I am a private person. I always have been. It is not something I do intentionally. In fact, I put a lot of effort into talking to people. It has become easier over the last year. When it comes to some people, I have no problem saying what is on my mind. Others, well, it is a work in progress. It is nothing personal, and I cannot stress that enough. I guess I just care too much about what those people think. Not because I am shallow and immature, but because I really value their opinion.

That being said, I do not appreciate the endless statements that are made about multiple aspects of my life. I have said, on what seems like a daily basis, that "if I have something to tell you, I will."

I read a quote that said, "Never take someone's feelings for granted because you never know how much courage it took to show them to you." To say I completely relate is an understatement. I have always said it takes me a while to give 100% into a relationship, but once I do, I remain at 100% unless you take advantage of me and my feelings. I completely understand this behavior in other people. It is the people who give everything they have right away that confuse me. I feel as though they get frustrated or take offense to my "social awkwardness" and give up. The ones that stick around long enough to see me follow through, I hold on to for a long time. They are the ones that deserve it most.


I guess I am just a little too sensitive lately...

You're Not An Artist, You're A Wannabe

You are a person. Who has a camera. Or a camera phone. Or an iPad. Whatever. It is a device that takes photographs. This makes you a photographer.

False.

That is like me saying that because I have a variety of instruments in my house, I am a musician.

Heck no. My musical talent is equivalent to that of pillow.

It is absolutely ridiculous how many people think they are "artistic" because they held the camera at an upward angle and took a photo of a tree. It is even more ridiculous how editing the photo on their computer makes their photos "artistic".

No.

Most wannabe-photographers have this among their favorite quotes: When you photograph people in color you photograph their clothes. But when you photograph people in black and white, you photograph their souls!
That rule does not apply when you use photo shop. The whole point of photography is to capture something that changes the way we see it, not manipulating the photo to make it look like you did.

And then they put them on Facebook, making a fan page for their work, and thinking someone will hire them for their bat mitzvah.

Oh, please! You are twelve years old! Stick to long division!

So, here is a note to all of those people who think they are the chiz for their unsurpassed camera phone photos - leave it to the real artists.

Dear Caitlin,

It is the day before your 21st birthday. Happy birthday, girl! :) You didn't think you'd make it this far, did you? I certainly didn't. I guess that's the thing about life, huh? Whether you think you can or can't, you do. I know you wish you were at a different place in your life right now. You had a plan and it just didn't work out. You had to learn to be patient. Tough lesson, isn't it? Nevertheless, I am so excited to see you where you are. You've come so far is so many ways, and I am so proud of you. I can't wait to see what you accomplish over the next several years. Don't question things; just go with the flow. Don't procrastinate; make things happen. Don't worry you're time will never come; it will. Relax, babe, and enjoy being 21. It will be a fun time for you and you deserve it. The grown-up you is turning out to be an amazing woman. I'm proud to say I will be you one day. I am glad to see that, through all of the tears, anger and other negative aspects of life you've endured, it all works out. Stay excellent, kiddo!

Love,
Fourteen-year-old Caitlin

"A person is a person, no matter how small."

I have always been pro-life. I understand there are serious circumstances that lead people to choose abortion, but I find the concept absolutely appalling.

Here's how I look at it: There are a few reasons why women choose abortion.

1. She was raped. Some people say I don't have a right to talk about this because I've "never been through something like that", and that may be true. However, I have seen its effects on women, women I know. It's a traumatic event that leaves women feeling scared, insecure, and used. The possibility of getting pregnant by the man who treated you so unfairly is absolutely terrifying. To be honest, I'm not sure how I'd react if I found out I was carrying my rapist's child, but I know for a fact I would never even consider abortion. Why should this child's life be punished for an unfortunate circumstance? It's not your fault and it's certainly not the child's fault, either. Sure, it won't be easy, dealing with and accepting that this child came from such a horrible event, but how can you live with yourself knowing you killed a baby because you couldn't "deal with it"?
2. The child will have physical/mental disabilities. As someone who has family and friends who have disabilities, I can honestly say that this is probably the worst excuse for having an abortion. I understand that this child may or may not live to be a certain age, they'll have years of treatments ahead of them, they may not ever get better, and they'll have challenges to face. I understand that there will be bullies and dependence issues. I understand all of this. What I don't understand is how you're "protecting" them from this stuff? Correct me if I'm wrong, but there's a chance of any child developing disabilities. You don't kill a child when they get sick, so why would you do that to an unborn child? Everyone gets bullied. I'm not condoning bullying by any means, but it's not something you can protect them from forever. Some of the most genuine, loving people I know have some sort of disability. Why would you deprive the world of such a special person?
3. She has that right. Oh, please! I cannot stand this "excuse"! Women's rights is a horrible excuse for killing a child. "It's her body, she can do what she wants." Obviously...that's what got her pregnant to begin with! Women who used this excuse are selfish. Yeah, I said it. Women have no problem passing the blame to the men, but when it comes down to it, they have the final decision? Here's what gets me: they have no problem taking money from the father when the child is born, they get upset because he shirks his responsibilities and they have to raise the child by themselves - BUT - according to these same women, having the child is the woman's choice? Yeah, that's just not right. I'm sorry. I mean, I consider myself to be independent when it comes to stuff like this, but if I found myself pregnant, scared and confused, the child's father is the first person I'd go to. It's his baby, too! It kind of wouldn't have happened with out him. The man has just as much say in this as the woman. I'm sorry to piss you off, girls, but that's what I think.

Abortion is considered to be normal anymore. It's like an "escape plan"...

• "I don't want to screw up my life anymore than it already is."
• "What if my parents find out?"
• "What if anyone finds out?"
• "It will ruin my reputation."
• "My plans will be ruined if I keep the baby."
• "My boyfriend doesn't want to have kids yet."
• "I'm too young to be a mother."
• "I just can't do it."

Well, hunni, you should have thought about that before this happened. But, since you didn't, you can either raise the child yourself, or put him/her up for adoption (even though there are way too many children who need adopted already, but we'll talk about that some other time), but please, don't kill your child. Even though it hasn't exactly been easy and they've had to give up on some things they wanted, your parents chose to have you, didn't they?

Because of you...

The lessons you learn, the knowledge you gain, the confidence you discover, the person you become - all of these are influenced by other people. Believe it or not, they determine who you are more than you do. Protest if you must, but think about it: from the haters who told you you could never do it, to the family and friends who watched you prove them wrong - their being in your life has made you the person you are. I know I'm quoting him for the hundredth time, but it's literally among my absolute favorite quotes: Fox Mulder said, "Maybe it's other people's reactions to us that makes us who we are."


Because of you...

• I know what it's like to have a heart broken for the better
• I know that there are Christians who are the real deal
• I know promises were made to be broken
• I know total strangers can become really good friends
• I know how to sing even when I don't know the words
• I know that you were the best thing I never had
• I know that things will never be the same, but the things to come are promised to be better
• I know that being a coward can ruin something amazing, but being honest can bring something you never thought would happen
• I know it's okay to not have the answers, just keep asking questions
• I know being strong is a choice
• I know my world will never be the same

Because of you...

• I can wake up in the morning knowing that, no matter what happened yesterday, you'll still be there
• I can appreciate the little things
• I can give it my all and know it will be enough
• I can get loud in the car when my favorite songs come on and not be ashamed
• I can think for myself
• I can trust people
• I can start embracing the young lady I am
• I can ditch the "I don't need anyone" mentality that's consumed my life all of these years
• I can stand strong, knowing you're beside me

Because of you...

• I am more aware of what I say and how I say it
• I am more honest
• I am happier
• I am stronger
• I am confident
• I am caring
• I am more outgoing
• I am "getting out there"
• I am loving life
• I am not as afraid as I once was
• I am walking by faith like you taught me

I have the most amazing parents a girl could ask for. From the very beginning, they put their children before everything. We've had more than our fair share of hard times, believe me: doubt, uncertainty, sleepless nights, "instability", arguments, growing pains, teen angst, financial woes, broken hearts, lost friendships, sibling rivalry, losing loved ones, loneliness, and betrayal. Through all of these trials (and many more), they taught us to keep the faith, hold our head high, keep on keepin' on, family is always there - no matter what, you're never too old to cry on mom's shoulders, daddy's can always fix it - just give him the chance, and you can always come home.

I may have given you a hard time about your sermons being "boring" and "too long", but I honestly miss your preaching. Don't get me wrong - I love my pastor, but you will always be my favorite. Love you, Daddy! We don't always see eye to eye and I know we don't understand each other, but no one knows me better than you. You've taught me so much about what it takes to be a good daughter and I hope I'm living up to it. Love you, Ma! I promise to show you more respect, talk to you more, help anyway I can, do my best to make you proud, and show you you've raised a Christian young lady.

I have about ten posts in my drafts. I've finished a couple of them (some from last April!), but I promise to have more soon. :)

My Pancake Life

I was reading old messages on MySpace and I found one from during our move to Apollo.

"I felt like my pancake life was just flipped and it wasn't done cooking...ya know?"

to which the other person said,

"You were flipped from one skillet on low to another skillet on high.
And now your burnin' up and ya need to get back into the skillet on low."

More than three years later, I still feel this way, but at the same time, I'm learning to just go with the flow.

I've given up on planning. At least for right now. Not because I'm bitter, but because I'm tired of being "all talk", ya know?

I think it's because of my insane need to control everything. I'm learning to let it go, but I will still be a systematical, over-analyzer that needs her ducks in a row.

I've changed. Ask anyone I know. But I don't know how or why. I mean, I am starting to see what they're talking about. I don't laugh very much. I'm distracted all the time, and I'm quiet. I've always been quiet, but I don't talk much at all anymore. I don't know why this is "happening" but it is. And it sucks. But at the same time, I'm almost always in a good mood. Sometimes it's "too good", ya know? Maybe it's a defense mechanism? Yeah, that's probably it.

But enough wallowing. I can apologize profusly for the next one hundred years, but that doesn't mean **** if I don't mean it enough to change. But I do. With everything I am. Patience, please...I'm going to need it. :)

A Mass of Contradictions

Several years ago, I had to take a personality profile for a parenting class my folks were in. I don't know if you're familiar with the DISC assessment, but I'm sure you can Google it. At age 13, my results were contradicting. I scored very high in areas that conflicted, which explains my mood swings! At age 15, I took it again, and I hadn't changed. According to the test I just took (it was online so I doubt it's accuracy) I am less systematic and more emotional than I used to be.(And God knows how emotional I've been lately!) I guess that's good. I've come a LONG way in five years. I guess what I'm saying is I'm used to the conflicts and whatnot of my personality. It makes me a very frustrating person sometimes. (Okay, probably most of the time...but it's obvious that I'm changing!)

It has come to my attention over the past several months that I, Caitlin, am a hopeless romantic. Yeah, I'm a little shocked, too. I guess you could say I've always been a little cynical about the whole marriage and babies thing. It's great, just not for me. And yet, my favorite movies and books are all centered around romance. My favorite songs are love songs. You could say "You're still a girl. It's okay." But that's just it - How could I have such a bad attitude about love and marriage, and still be completely taken with these stories and lyrics? Do not fear, though. I have come around to the idea. I'm making no immediate plans, though. (Unlike the rest of my family) :) I've accepted this part of me. Actually, I'm learning to embrace it.


I am an impatient procrastinator. I want things done yesterday. I want things when I want them, how I want them, and I don't appreciate being told to wait. But, on the other hand, I work best under pressure. I will put off chores, assignments, and doing other stuff until the last minute, and it usually brings good results.
Not always, but I'd like to think I've perfected the art of procrastinating over the years. Maybe not...but it works for me.


It may be one of the shallow contradictions, but I've always said I wanted a country voice. I mean, I can't stand country music as a genre. However, there are a few songs I absolutely love! Why on Earth would I want a country voice? Maybe it's the almost effortless falsetto or the smooth simplicity. Nothing nasal, of course. A jazzy voice would be nice, too. :) Instead, I'm pretty much untalented in the whole singing area. But I sing anyway! :)


I think the most obvious contradiction is that I'm easy to read but hard to figure out. I mean, I have always been a quiet and do my best to keep things to myself, but some people can see through that.   I mean, I've always been a private person. So private, in fact, that aside from this blog, I don't keep a journal. I know, a writer like me not keeping a journal - it's unheard of. And while this is true, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. Granted, it's in a bulletproof case with a padded lock, but it's there. The case is glass - you can see what's going on. But why...you'll never know. Well, at least not for a while. Some stories and quirks about me aren't just told - they're earned. I have to know you're trustworthy. Not that their state secrets, but...in time...