Dear Caitlin,

It is the day before your 21st birthday. Happy birthday, girl! :) You didn't think you'd make it this far, did you? I certainly didn't. I guess that's the thing about life, huh? Whether you think you can or can't, you do. I know you wish you were at a different place in your life right now. You had a plan and it just didn't work out. You had to learn to be patient. Tough lesson, isn't it? Nevertheless, I am so excited to see you where you are. You've come so far is so many ways, and I am so proud of you. I can't wait to see what you accomplish over the next several years. Don't question things; just go with the flow. Don't procrastinate; make things happen. Don't worry you're time will never come; it will. Relax, babe, and enjoy being 21. It will be a fun time for you and you deserve it. The grown-up you is turning out to be an amazing woman. I'm proud to say I will be you one day. I am glad to see that, through all of the tears, anger and other negative aspects of life you've endured, it all works out. Stay excellent, kiddo!

Love,
Fourteen-year-old Caitlin

"A person is a person, no matter how small."

I have always been pro-life. I understand there are serious circumstances that lead people to choose abortion, but I find the concept absolutely appalling.

Here's how I look at it: There are a few reasons why women choose abortion.

1. She was raped. Some people say I don't have a right to talk about this because I've "never been through something like that", and that may be true. However, I have seen its effects on women, women I know. It's a traumatic event that leaves women feeling scared, insecure, and used. The possibility of getting pregnant by the man who treated you so unfairly is absolutely terrifying. To be honest, I'm not sure how I'd react if I found out I was carrying my rapist's child, but I know for a fact I would never even consider abortion. Why should this child's life be punished for an unfortunate circumstance? It's not your fault and it's certainly not the child's fault, either. Sure, it won't be easy, dealing with and accepting that this child came from such a horrible event, but how can you live with yourself knowing you killed a baby because you couldn't "deal with it"?
2. The child will have physical/mental disabilities. As someone who has family and friends who have disabilities, I can honestly say that this is probably the worst excuse for having an abortion. I understand that this child may or may not live to be a certain age, they'll have years of treatments ahead of them, they may not ever get better, and they'll have challenges to face. I understand that there will be bullies and dependence issues. I understand all of this. What I don't understand is how you're "protecting" them from this stuff? Correct me if I'm wrong, but there's a chance of any child developing disabilities. You don't kill a child when they get sick, so why would you do that to an unborn child? Everyone gets bullied. I'm not condoning bullying by any means, but it's not something you can protect them from forever. Some of the most genuine, loving people I know have some sort of disability. Why would you deprive the world of such a special person?
3. She has that right. Oh, please! I cannot stand this "excuse"! Women's rights is a horrible excuse for killing a child. "It's her body, she can do what she wants." Obviously...that's what got her pregnant to begin with! Women who used this excuse are selfish. Yeah, I said it. Women have no problem passing the blame to the men, but when it comes down to it, they have the final decision? Here's what gets me: they have no problem taking money from the father when the child is born, they get upset because he shirks his responsibilities and they have to raise the child by themselves - BUT - according to these same women, having the child is the woman's choice? Yeah, that's just not right. I'm sorry. I mean, I consider myself to be independent when it comes to stuff like this, but if I found myself pregnant, scared and confused, the child's father is the first person I'd go to. It's his baby, too! It kind of wouldn't have happened with out him. The man has just as much say in this as the woman. I'm sorry to piss you off, girls, but that's what I think.

Abortion is considered to be normal anymore. It's like an "escape plan"...

• "I don't want to screw up my life anymore than it already is."
• "What if my parents find out?"
• "What if anyone finds out?"
• "It will ruin my reputation."
• "My plans will be ruined if I keep the baby."
• "My boyfriend doesn't want to have kids yet."
• "I'm too young to be a mother."
• "I just can't do it."

Well, hunni, you should have thought about that before this happened. But, since you didn't, you can either raise the child yourself, or put him/her up for adoption (even though there are way too many children who need adopted already, but we'll talk about that some other time), but please, don't kill your child. Even though it hasn't exactly been easy and they've had to give up on some things they wanted, your parents chose to have you, didn't they?

Because of you...

The lessons you learn, the knowledge you gain, the confidence you discover, the person you become - all of these are influenced by other people. Believe it or not, they determine who you are more than you do. Protest if you must, but think about it: from the haters who told you you could never do it, to the family and friends who watched you prove them wrong - their being in your life has made you the person you are. I know I'm quoting him for the hundredth time, but it's literally among my absolute favorite quotes: Fox Mulder said, "Maybe it's other people's reactions to us that makes us who we are."


Because of you...

• I know what it's like to have a heart broken for the better
• I know that there are Christians who are the real deal
• I know promises were made to be broken
• I know total strangers can become really good friends
• I know how to sing even when I don't know the words
• I know that you were the best thing I never had
• I know that things will never be the same, but the things to come are promised to be better
• I know that being a coward can ruin something amazing, but being honest can bring something you never thought would happen
• I know it's okay to not have the answers, just keep asking questions
• I know being strong is a choice
• I know my world will never be the same

Because of you...

• I can wake up in the morning knowing that, no matter what happened yesterday, you'll still be there
• I can appreciate the little things
• I can give it my all and know it will be enough
• I can get loud in the car when my favorite songs come on and not be ashamed
• I can think for myself
• I can trust people
• I can start embracing the young lady I am
• I can ditch the "I don't need anyone" mentality that's consumed my life all of these years
• I can stand strong, knowing you're beside me

Because of you...

• I am more aware of what I say and how I say it
• I am more honest
• I am happier
• I am stronger
• I am confident
• I am caring
• I am more outgoing
• I am "getting out there"
• I am loving life
• I am not as afraid as I once was
• I am walking by faith like you taught me

I have the most amazing parents a girl could ask for. From the very beginning, they put their children before everything. We've had more than our fair share of hard times, believe me: doubt, uncertainty, sleepless nights, "instability", arguments, growing pains, teen angst, financial woes, broken hearts, lost friendships, sibling rivalry, losing loved ones, loneliness, and betrayal. Through all of these trials (and many more), they taught us to keep the faith, hold our head high, keep on keepin' on, family is always there - no matter what, you're never too old to cry on mom's shoulders, daddy's can always fix it - just give him the chance, and you can always come home.

I may have given you a hard time about your sermons being "boring" and "too long", but I honestly miss your preaching. Don't get me wrong - I love my pastor, but you will always be my favorite. Love you, Daddy! We don't always see eye to eye and I know we don't understand each other, but no one knows me better than you. You've taught me so much about what it takes to be a good daughter and I hope I'm living up to it. Love you, Ma! I promise to show you more respect, talk to you more, help anyway I can, do my best to make you proud, and show you you've raised a Christian young lady.

I have about ten posts in my drafts. I've finished a couple of them (some from last April!), but I promise to have more soon. :)

My Pancake Life

I was reading old messages on MySpace and I found one from during our move to Apollo.

"I felt like my pancake life was just flipped and it wasn't done cooking...ya know?"

to which the other person said,

"You were flipped from one skillet on low to another skillet on high.
And now your burnin' up and ya need to get back into the skillet on low."

More than three years later, I still feel this way, but at the same time, I'm learning to just go with the flow.

I've given up on planning. At least for right now. Not because I'm bitter, but because I'm tired of being "all talk", ya know?

I think it's because of my insane need to control everything. I'm learning to let it go, but I will still be a systematical, over-analyzer that needs her ducks in a row.

I've changed. Ask anyone I know. But I don't know how or why. I mean, I am starting to see what they're talking about. I don't laugh very much. I'm distracted all the time, and I'm quiet. I've always been quiet, but I don't talk much at all anymore. I don't know why this is "happening" but it is. And it sucks. But at the same time, I'm almost always in a good mood. Sometimes it's "too good", ya know? Maybe it's a defense mechanism? Yeah, that's probably it.

But enough wallowing. I can apologize profusly for the next one hundred years, but that doesn't mean **** if I don't mean it enough to change. But I do. With everything I am. Patience, please...I'm going to need it. :)

A Mass of Contradictions

Several years ago, I had to take a personality profile for a parenting class my folks were in. I don't know if you're familiar with the DISC assessment, but I'm sure you can Google it. At age 13, my results were contradicting. I scored very high in areas that conflicted, which explains my mood swings! At age 15, I took it again, and I hadn't changed. According to the test I just took (it was online so I doubt it's accuracy) I am less systematic and more emotional than I used to be.(And God knows how emotional I've been lately!) I guess that's good. I've come a LONG way in five years. I guess what I'm saying is I'm used to the conflicts and whatnot of my personality. It makes me a very frustrating person sometimes. (Okay, probably most of the time...but it's obvious that I'm changing!)

It has come to my attention over the past several months that I, Caitlin, am a hopeless romantic. Yeah, I'm a little shocked, too. I guess you could say I've always been a little cynical about the whole marriage and babies thing. It's great, just not for me. And yet, my favorite movies and books are all centered around romance. My favorite songs are love songs. You could say "You're still a girl. It's okay." But that's just it - How could I have such a bad attitude about love and marriage, and still be completely taken with these stories and lyrics? Do not fear, though. I have come around to the idea. I'm making no immediate plans, though. (Unlike the rest of my family) :) I've accepted this part of me. Actually, I'm learning to embrace it.


I am an impatient procrastinator. I want things done yesterday. I want things when I want them, how I want them, and I don't appreciate being told to wait. But, on the other hand, I work best under pressure. I will put off chores, assignments, and doing other stuff until the last minute, and it usually brings good results.
Not always, but I'd like to think I've perfected the art of procrastinating over the years. Maybe not...but it works for me.


It may be one of the shallow contradictions, but I've always said I wanted a country voice. I mean, I can't stand country music as a genre. However, there are a few songs I absolutely love! Why on Earth would I want a country voice? Maybe it's the almost effortless falsetto or the smooth simplicity. Nothing nasal, of course. A jazzy voice would be nice, too. :) Instead, I'm pretty much untalented in the whole singing area. But I sing anyway! :)


I think the most obvious contradiction is that I'm easy to read but hard to figure out. I mean, I have always been a quiet and do my best to keep things to myself, but some people can see through that.   I mean, I've always been a private person. So private, in fact, that aside from this blog, I don't keep a journal. I know, a writer like me not keeping a journal - it's unheard of. And while this is true, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. Granted, it's in a bulletproof case with a padded lock, but it's there. The case is glass - you can see what's going on. But why...you'll never know. Well, at least not for a while. Some stories and quirks about me aren't just told - they're earned. I have to know you're trustworthy. Not that their state secrets, but...in time...