Time may change me, but I can't trace time.

Last summer, I decided enough was enough. I had to take control of my life. Grow up. Be that fierce, independent woman I longed to be.

I felt like my "let's see what happens" attitude wasn't working anymore. Don't get me wrong, I understood that I had been an "adult" for a few years, and I was in charge of my own life. I think living at home gives me that security blanket to go to if things aren't going swell. That's not always a good thing, especially for me. But with a little prodding, I decided to make it happen. I put myself out there and found a great job that I love. I (finally) got my license, and though I hate every minute of it, I do it because that's what you do when you're an adult. I learned that being outgoing was uncomfortable for a moment, but it definitely outweighed the alternative of being lonely. I found an unlikely release that I grew to love so much that I decided to conitnue in the fall.

I know what you're thinking: This doesn't sound like Caitlin. She's changed. She's not the same person.

Uh, duh!

Then again, I never let people get to know me very well, so is it really that I've changed, or that I've decided to show them who I really am?

To be honest, I think it's a little bit of both. I have changed. I am a lot more outgoing than I used to be. I mingle at parties, I talk to people I don't know, I show off my personality and I don't care who likes it. It's me. If you don't like it, I'm sorry, but screw you. I've spent 21 years living in the shadows of everyone else because that's what I did. It was expected of me. I was "the quiet one" and that's still what people think. Now that I'm showing them exactly who Caitlin is, they're put off by it. At times, it's discouraging because I'm finally coming out as Caitlin and it's not being received very well. Other times, I just don't care. Take it or leave it.
In fact, here is what I have to say about all of things that have been said about me lately:

• I'm a bitch. Nope, I'm just not letting people walk all over me anymore.
• I'm a diva. No, my flair for the dramatic is just a little more dominant.
• I'm a snob. No, I have never thought I was better than anyone. I just have a new-found confidence and I'm embracing it. Little by little, the insecure girl I used to be is finding out she loves who she is.
• I don't care about anyone. Couldn't be further from the truth. I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's not true. It's just not.
• I'm some crazy party girl. This just ticks me off and makes me laugh all at the same time. First of all: I am not a party girl. I do enjoy the occassional drink, staying out late, dancing with friends, and all that jazz. However, this does not mean I'm an alcoholic or that I'm next in line for some MTV reality show. I'm just having fun. No, it's not the kind of fun people are used to me having (sipping coffee while I read a book at a bistro) but it's fun for me. I'm loving life - let me do it.

I never thought I would find myself writing this part.

I never thought I could do it.

This year, I've learned:

• How a little hard work can make you feel like a million bucks
• How much better I felt when my jeans fit perfectly
• How pretty I could feel, even in a hoodie
• How I am capable of doing anything if I set my mind to it

If you look at the first photo...

subtract thirty-five pounds...

you get the sassy, happier Caitlin you see in the bottom picture.

It's a great feeling. I almost cried when I saw this picture (taken at my high school graduation) because I was not happy. I remember being miserable and insecure. I almost didn't post it, but then I realized, "Hello, McFly! You walked around looking like that for years!" Then, I got over it. You see, I'm not embarrassed for who I was, I'm just embarrassed at how I felt about myself. Now, I have this new confidence and, though I hate shopping, I love how I can buy those cute little tops and the size 5 (yes, 5!) jeans.

I'm not saying that my confidence is coming from how I look.

It's been a journey.

I know, everybody says that, but it's true.

This has been a learning experience, and I am loving who I am now. Even the parts I hate about myself, I love more than I used to. I'm growing up and accepting that who I am now is who I've always been, just hiding behind the scenes.

So, here's to you, Caitlin. You no longer have to be...

• The Quiet One
• The Other Sister
• The Good One
• The Nice One
• The Prude
• The Unapproachable One
• The One Who Disappointed Them
• The One Who Will Never Say No
• The One Who Doesn't Need Anyone
• The One Who Will "Always Be"

... because you know that those labels were decided for you.

 

If this is what this past year has been like, I can't wait to see what the next year has in store for me! :)