big girl moments

 

Did I really enroll in classes?

 

Yes, you did.

 

 

 

 

Did I really make a grown-up decision based on nothing but the faith someone else has in me?

 

Yes, you did.

 

 

 

 

Did I really agree to take this on, both mentally and financially?

 

Yes, you did.

 

 

 

Did I really say "I can do this" and believe it?

 

Yes, you did,  Caitlin. Yes, you did.

 

 

 

 

Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking. Loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making. Don't let some hellbent heart leave you bitter. When you come close to selling out, reconsider. And when you get the choice to sit out or dance - I hope you dance.

 

 

 

 

 

Excuses, Explanations, and Entitlement.

Do you want to know what one of Caitlin's biggest pet peeves is?

Excuses.

Not just excuses for doing or not doing something. Excuses for having a certain attitude or outlook. Excuses for treating people in whichever manner you want to. Excuses for "being the way you are."

If you want my opinion, there are no excuses. Period.

Only explanations.

When I hear people defend someone for their behavior, I get more irritated at that then I did the wrong-doings of the person they're defending. Why? One, it's none of their business to step in and make an excuse for them. And two, it's giving these people a free pass to do whatever they want to whomever they want and it's "okay."

No. It's not.

If you're a friend, treat me like a friend treats another friend. Don't go behind my back, calling me names, getting pissy because I don't spend every moment with you. Especially if you are the one who moves away, forgets their friends, and goes gallivanting off like some stranger. A new environment is not an excuse to do something like that. A culture shock is not an excuse, either. There is grace for adjusting, but after so long, it's exhausting to try and be empathetic.

If you have a serious medical condition, I can understand your melancholy or nervousness. However, that doesn't mean I am going to sit around and be treated like crap until you get over it. I'm not saying you don't deserve to have these feelings. I'm just saying it's not an excuse to be bitter.

I am done with people and entitlement. No one is entitled to anything, including behaving the way they want to.

Don't do it. Just... don't do it.

Grow up and take responsibility for yourself.

Better Then I Know Myself

Cold as ice

And more bitter than a December

Winter night

That's how I treated you

And I know that I

I sometimes tend to lose my temper

And I cross the line

Yeah that's the truth

I know it gets hard sometimes

But I could never

Leave your side

No matter what I say

Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,

But I really need you near me to

Keep my mind off the edge

If I wanted to leave I would have left by now

But you're the only one that knows me

Better than I know myself

All along

I tried to pretend it didn't matter

If I was alone

But deep down I know

If you were gone

For even a day I wouldn't know which way to turn

Cause I'm lost without you

I get kind of dark

Let it go too far

I can be obnoxious at times

But try and see my heart

Cause I need you now

So don't let me down

You're the only thing in this world

I would die without

Don't you love this song? Okay, well, I do. The first time I heard it I remember thinking, "Wow... this is so me!" The more I listen to it, the more I realize just how true it really is. There are a few relationships that this applies to in my life.

• Me, Myself, and I: We've been over my over-analytical tendencies. We've established that when it comes to the cliche "You are your own worst enemy" that I am the prime example. The truth is I am a horrible person to myself. I talk down to myself. I make myself feel like I'm not good enough and I never will be. I tell myself lies. I can usually talk myself out of anything good ever happening. I am a horrible person. But then I stop and think, "Wow. God I suck." and I get a much needed reality check. After realizing I'm not as much of a loser as I tell myself I am, I can go through life with a smile on my face. Most of the time, though, the smile is hiding the battle going on anyway. And that's what sucks the most. I feel that by lying to myself that I'm okay, and trying to convince others that everything is fine that I am a despicable human being. And I am. All my life, I've fought against myself. My parents had me take a personality test for a parenting class they were in and my results were conflicting - every time I took it. To this day, they are conflicting. It's not a 60% in one area and a 40% in another. No, it's 50/50.  So, while I will probably always be at war with myself, I'm working on making those battles less intense. I deserve it. And so do the people around me.
• Friends and Family I Love: You know, those people who are so unbelievable amazing you can't imagine life without them? And the very thought that there will come a time when they won't be in your life is completely terrifying and makes you physically ill? No? Maybe that's just me, too. When it comes to the people I care about, I know that they could just walk away. While I wouldn't want that to happen, I understand that it is a legitimate possibility that can occur at any given moment. They are beyond patient with me and my "mood swings" and it's not something I take for granted. I'm opinionated, sarcastic, and I am never able to say what I really feel. I cry at the drop of a hat. I always find something to be insecure about. I am afraid to make a decision because I know whatever I choose I have to live with. Do you know what? They still love me. I'm impossible to deal with and they still love me. They still choose to hang out with me. They save me every day, whether it's a phone call, an act of kindness, or just a smile. And I love them more than I ever knew I could.
• Friends and Family I Kinda-Sorta-Don't-Like: My sister asked me a few months ago, "If they treat you like crap, why don't you just drop them? Why do you keep going back? Why do you keep putting yourself through this?" Well... *nervous chuckle* You see... *sigh* it's complicated. I've said before that "something keeps me holding onto nothing." I don't know if it's memories, wishful thinking, or just the benefit of the doubt. Despite my "I hate people" attitude, I really believe people have good intentions. When you've had the chance to get to know people, you know their heart and what makes them tick, it's hard to change your opinion of them. The changes you witness in them can be hard to accept. They've helped you in so many ways, it's hard to imagine what would happen if you let go forever. And I know... the whole idea sounds desperate and naive, but I won't give up until I now that I know that I know that I know there is nothing left.
• Strangers: Give me a chance. I'm willing to do the same.

That awkward moment when you've watched every possible tear-jerker in the world, listened to every sad song ever written, read all of your favorite sob stories, and you still have the knot of feelings in your stomach. The one that makes you want to vomit. The one that, at any moment, will make you bawl your eyes out. The one that says you've fnally learned to love people and you don't know how to deal with that. The one that says you've over-analyzed everything. The one that tells you that there are some things you cannot change. The feeling that is much more than magenta, because even you know there are far too many emotions involved. You are much too smart for such confusion, Caitlin.

She has no idea... the effect she can have.

Peeta Mellark