Haven't you heard?

I'm gonna be okay.

I feel like I say that a lot. Now if only I could start believing it...


The other day, I got off of work, went to a job interview, and came home to study and take a test. I wasn't fifteen minutes into studying when the overwhelming urge to close my book and cry got the best of me. Immediately, I could hear The Fray singing, "Eeeveryoonne knooows I'm iiin overrr my head!" It seemed a bit premature considering classes had only started a few days before, but that wasn't what I was upset about.

No, I was upset about the fact that I thought I could just ignore life by studying and working. Ha. I knew I couldn't, but there was still a part of me that thought "Eh, you can try." And I did. And I failed. Rather quickly, too.

I don't claim to have it all together. I just don't let others know that I don't. Those that know me can agree that it is an incredibly frustrating personality flaw. It's not that I don't want other people to know, because there are a few people that have earned the right and deserve to know. I'm just not used to people actually caring. I'm used to distracting myself from the problem or the reality of my life. I know it's not going to work, yet I do it every single time. What gives?

I lay awake tonight completely and totally exhausted. I can't remember the last time I felt this worn out. I'm thinking about what I wanted from my life over the next year. A second job can wait. I don't have to study every free moment I have. My emotional state is more important to me right now than dean's list or enough hours at work. I don't have to do anything. I don't have to prove anything. It was never about that. It was about what I could do. And I obviously can't handle everything changing all at once. And that's okay. I don't need to have it all right now. I've always waited my turn, but stepped up to the plate with as much enthusiasm as the first batter up. While I'm taking control now, I still have to wait until I'm ready. I still have to wait until my name is called. And when it is, I'm going to hit it out of the park. Maybe not right away, but hey... you can't win them all. :)

You're gonna make it after all, Caitlin!