Sometimes I have these dreams where we're sitting on a beach, watching the sunset. Your voice is low, as if we're keeping secrets from the sea. I watch the waves recede as you talk about all of the things you want to do, the places you want to go. You ask me a question, but to be honest, I wasn't paying attention. I wonder what you're really thinking. I'm caught up in the beauty of the horizon. The fact that I'm lost in this moment with someone like you, well... it's something I'd never admit I needed.
Sometimes I get this knot in my chest. I wouldn't say that it hurts or that it doesn't. It's intense, though. I don't know what to make of it. Is it loneliness? Heartbreak? Sadness? Disappointment? Guilt? I've concluded that whatever the emotions are, I feel them deeply. So deeply, I almost become numb, which leads me to wonder, "Should I feel all of these things for being numb? Should I become disappointed in myself for letting my emotions escalate?" And then I remember the good things. And I smile.
Sometimes doing the most random thing with a complete stranger can stick with you forever. A little girl finds me in the store. I have a nametag, so naturally, that means I am available to help her pick out hair accessories. As we try on every headband and barrette, we laugh about how silly some of them make us look. Especially me, since my head is slightly larger than they are intended for. Every time I try on a new look, shes gasps and says, "You look pretty" to which I reply with, "No, you're pretty." Yes, she is four years old. Yes, I am the distraction as her mother shops a few feet away, but spending ten minutes with that little girl did more for me (and my heart) than I knew I needed.
Sometimes I wonder what people see when they look at me. How do they see my choices? My actions? My quirks? How do they see the person I was, the person I am, and the person I will be? I wonder if people actually put as much effort towards making me feel inadequate as I do about myself. I wonder if I should forget about all of these thoughts, that don't matter in the first place, and just be myself.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever think about me. What we used to have. What we lost. Because I do.
Sometimes I miss you. I want to spend one more day with you. I want one last cup of coffee, one last piece of candy, one last conversation. Sometimes, I think I'm starting to forget who you were, what you looked like, how your perfume smelled. It's on those days that everything reminds me of you. I feel pain in my chest knowing that, while you can't see us in our adult lives or see your great-grandchildren grow up, you're celebrating your own way.
Sometimes I listen to this song over and over again, for no other reason but that when I listen to it, I feel connected to someone... somewhere...
5.15.2013
I don't want you to know where I am because then you'll see my heart in the saddest place it's ever been.
In my twenty-two years on earth, I have seen my fair share of difficult times. I have gone from one roller coaster to another without so much as a break. I have experienced extreme heartache and somehow managed to not only survive, but do so with a smile on my face. My heart has been turned to stone and softened so many times, I'm beginning to question my approach to people and life in general.
I have made so many choices that, to this day, I still regret. For someone who has lived a seemingly average life so far, this news shocks people. It's true, though. I have more regrets than I care to admit, even.
Take twenty-two years of wrong choices, add a "what if" to every situation, and a pinch (or two fistfuls) of self-doubt. Let that simmer on low until you are awake all night, every night. Soon, you will find yourself wallowing in self-pity. This is the perfect time to turn it up a notch by over-analyzing every word ever said to you by a person, living or dead. You should be in the fetal position right about now. And with that, comes tears. Lots and lots of tears.
Why do we do this to ourselves? What is it about reliving the past that says, "Yes, this seems like a good way to spend my time"?
I am a blessed woman. I have been given a lot over my life, and I am very grateful. I do my best to thank God everyday. I want to make that point inescapably clear: I not only acknowledge the blessings that have been given to me, I am thankful beyond words.
At the top of my list is my family. Approximately thirty percent of the time, I want to strangle one, if not all of them. And I am certain that they feel the same way about me eighty percent of the time. (I'm impossible to deal with... I know this.)Despite everything, they are my rock. They keep me strong. They hold me together. They are always there. And, though I don't deserve it, they love me unconditionally. And that - that is what has kept me going all along.When my world goes crazy, you won't let go. When the ground gets shaky, you give me hope. When I try to push you away, you never move. When I start doubting, you help me see there's a strength, a mind, and a power in me. You believe there ain't nothing I can't do.
A friend of mine brought to my attention that I don't show my emotions. Meanwhile, another friend told me I wear my heart on my sleeve. I behave the same way towards both people, so I'm not sure why they see things differently. Perspective, I guess. When I was made aware of how little emotion I exude, I found myself saying, "That's how I've always been" and "Why is this an issue now?"Truth is, it was always an issue. Then one day, I snapped. After a very long, emotional couple of months, I went from zero-one hundred like *snaps fingers* that. Let me tell you, it is exhausting! I found people were taken aback by my abrupt shift of emotional release, causing more tension than when I was emotionless. I am working on finding a balance, but until that happens, I am very thankful for the patience that has been extended. But I wonder what would happen if you say what you want to say, and let the words fall out. Honestly, I want to see you be brave.
I will continue to struggle. That is inevitable. I will put on a brave smile and face the world. Not because I want to appear to have it all together, (Trust me, I don't have anything even remotely close to "together") but because I know that someone loves me. If you believe in me, that changes everything.