I don't want you to know where I am because then you'll see my heart in the saddest place it's ever been.
In my twenty-two years on earth, I have seen my fair share of difficult times. I have gone from one roller coaster to another without so much as a break. I have experienced extreme heartache and somehow managed to not only survive, but do so with a smile on my face. My heart has been turned to stone and softened so many times, I'm beginning to question my approach to people and life in general.
I have made so many choices that, to this day, I still regret. For someone who has lived a seemingly average life so far, this news shocks people. It's true, though. I have more regrets than I care to admit, even.
Take twenty-two years of wrong choices, add a "what if" to every situation, and a pinch (or two fistfuls) of self-doubt. Let that simmer on low until you are awake all night, every night. Soon, you will find yourself wallowing in self-pity. This is the perfect time to turn it up a notch by over-analyzing every word ever said to you by a person, living or dead. You should be in the fetal position right about now. And with that, comes tears. Lots and lots of tears.
Why do we do this to ourselves? What is it about reliving the past that says, "Yes, this seems like a good way to spend my time"?
I am a blessed woman. I have been given a lot over my life, and I am very grateful. I do my best to thank God everyday. I want to make that point inescapably clear: I not only acknowledge the blessings that have been given to me, I am thankful beyond words.
At the top of my list is my family. Approximately thirty percent of the time, I want to strangle one, if not all of them. And I am certain that they feel the same way about me eighty percent of the time. (I'm impossible to deal with... I know this.) Despite everything, they are my rock. They keep me strong. They hold me together. They are always there. And, though I don't deserve it, they love me unconditionally. And that - that is what has kept me going all along. When my world goes crazy, you won't let go. When the ground gets shaky, you give me hope. When I try to push you away, you never move. When I start doubting, you help me see there's a strength, a mind, and a power in me. You believe there ain't nothing I can't do.
A friend of mine brought to my attention that I don't show my emotions. Meanwhile, another friend told me I wear my heart on my sleeve. I behave the same way towards both people, so I'm not sure why they see things differently. Perspective, I guess. When I was made aware of how little emotion I exude, I found myself saying, "That's how I've always been" and "Why is this an issue now?" Truth is, it was always an issue. Then one day, I snapped. After a very long, emotional couple of months, I went from zero-one hundred like *snaps fingers* that. Let me tell you, it is exhausting! I found people were taken aback by my abrupt shift of emotional release, causing more tension than when I was emotionless. I am working on finding a balance, but until that happens, I am very thankful for the patience that has been extended. But I wonder what would happen if you say what you want to say, and let the words fall out. Honestly, I want to see you be brave.
I will continue to struggle. That is inevitable. I will put on a brave smile and face the world. Not because I want to appear to have it all together, (Trust me, I don't have anything even remotely close to "together") but because I know that someone loves me. If you believe in me, that changes everything.
I have made so many choices that, to this day, I still regret. For someone who has lived a seemingly average life so far, this news shocks people. It's true, though. I have more regrets than I care to admit, even.
Take twenty-two years of wrong choices, add a "what if" to every situation, and a pinch (or two fistfuls) of self-doubt. Let that simmer on low until you are awake all night, every night. Soon, you will find yourself wallowing in self-pity. This is the perfect time to turn it up a notch by over-analyzing every word ever said to you by a person, living or dead. You should be in the fetal position right about now. And with that, comes tears. Lots and lots of tears.
Why do we do this to ourselves? What is it about reliving the past that says, "Yes, this seems like a good way to spend my time"?
I am a blessed woman. I have been given a lot over my life, and I am very grateful. I do my best to thank God everyday. I want to make that point inescapably clear: I not only acknowledge the blessings that have been given to me, I am thankful beyond words.
At the top of my list is my family. Approximately thirty percent of the time, I want to strangle one, if not all of them. And I am certain that they feel the same way about me eighty percent of the time. (I'm impossible to deal with... I know this.) Despite everything, they are my rock. They keep me strong. They hold me together. They are always there. And, though I don't deserve it, they love me unconditionally. And that - that is what has kept me going all along. When my world goes crazy, you won't let go. When the ground gets shaky, you give me hope. When I try to push you away, you never move. When I start doubting, you help me see there's a strength, a mind, and a power in me. You believe there ain't nothing I can't do.
A friend of mine brought to my attention that I don't show my emotions. Meanwhile, another friend told me I wear my heart on my sleeve. I behave the same way towards both people, so I'm not sure why they see things differently. Perspective, I guess. When I was made aware of how little emotion I exude, I found myself saying, "That's how I've always been" and "Why is this an issue now?" Truth is, it was always an issue. Then one day, I snapped. After a very long, emotional couple of months, I went from zero-one hundred like *snaps fingers* that. Let me tell you, it is exhausting! I found people were taken aback by my abrupt shift of emotional release, causing more tension than when I was emotionless. I am working on finding a balance, but until that happens, I am very thankful for the patience that has been extended. But I wonder what would happen if you say what you want to say, and let the words fall out. Honestly, I want to see you be brave.
I will continue to struggle. That is inevitable. I will put on a brave smile and face the world. Not because I want to appear to have it all together, (Trust me, I don't have anything even remotely close to "together") but because I know that someone loves me. If you believe in me, that changes everything.
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