Sometimes...

Sometimes I have these dreams where we're sitting on a beach, watching the sunset. Your voice is low, as if we're keeping secrets from the sea. I watch the waves recede as you talk about all of the things you want to do, the places you want to go. You ask me a question, but to be honest, I wasn't paying attention. I wonder what you're really thinking. I'm caught up in the beauty of the horizon. The fact that I'm lost in this moment with someone like you, well... it's something I'd never admit I needed.

Sometimes I get this knot in my chest. I wouldn't say that it hurts or that it doesn't. It's intense, though. I don't know what to make of it. Is it loneliness? Heartbreak? Sadness? Disappointment? Guilt? I've concluded that whatever the emotions are, I feel them deeply. So deeply, I almost become numb, which leads me to wonder, "Should I feel all of these things for being numb? Should I become disappointed in myself for letting my emotions escalate?" And then I remember the good things. And I smile.

Sometimes doing the most random thing with a complete stranger can stick with you forever. A little girl finds me in the store. I have a nametag, so naturally, that means I am available to help her pick out hair accessories. As we try on every headband and barrette, we laugh about how silly some of them make us look. Especially me, since my head is slightly larger than they are intended for. Every time I try on a new look, shes gasps and says, "You look pretty" to which I reply with, "No, you're pretty." Yes, she is four years old. Yes, I am the distraction as her mother shops a few feet away, but spending ten minutes with that little girl did more for me (and my heart) than I knew I needed.

Sometimes I wonder what people see when they look at me. How do they see my choices? My actions? My quirks? How do they see the person I was, the person I am, and the person I will be? I wonder if people actually put as much effort towards making me feel inadequate as I do about myself. I wonder if I should forget about all of these thoughts, that don't matter in the first place, and just be myself.

Sometimes I wonder if you ever think about me. What we used to have. What we lost. Because I do.

Sometimes I miss you. I want to spend one more day with you. I want one last cup of coffee, one last piece of candy, one last conversation. Sometimes, I think I'm starting to forget who you were, what you looked like, how your perfume smelled. It's on those days that everything reminds me of you. I feel pain in my chest knowing that, while you can't see us in our adult lives or see your great-grandchildren grow up, you're celebrating your own way.

Sometimes I listen to this song over and over again, for no other reason but that when I listen to it, I feel connected to someone... somewhere...