My 22nd year of life had been going swell. I became an aunt to the coolest little dude. I loved my job. I was in my own place I thought I was doing well. Even those closest to me were seemingly unaware of anything out of the ordinary.
You know what they say about March? In like a lion, out like a lamb. Unless you're Caitlin. March proved to be one crazy month - and not the good crazy. In fact, I lost it. Something inside of me snapped. I don't know what exactly, but I'm pretty sure why. You see, I thought I had found myself. I had lost forty pounds. I was doing well at work. I had completed all of my pharmacy technician courses - four months ahead of schedule. I was living in a ridiculously nice apartment for someone who was paying off student loans. I had a great social life. I was feeling good about myself.
March 10, 2013 - Judy Blume
After what proved to be an overall irritating and disappointing night with "friends"", I found myself slamming the door in my roommates face because they wanted frozen egg white sandwiches. Okay, that wasn't the reason, but that's the last thing I let them say to me. I'm not sure why, but I drove to WalMart. Maybe because that was the only thing open at 7 o'clock on Sunday mornings. I walked around that God-forsaken store for two hours because I didn't want to go back. I bought a Naked juice and sat in my car. Pathetic, I know. When I finally went back to the apartment, I went straight to my room, ignoring everyone. All. Day. Things with the roommate didn't get any better after that. In fact they got worse. Hey, they wanted honesty, but they also wanted it sugar-coated.
March 17, 2013 - Big Moments
This was an exciting weekend. My transfer with Sears was finalized. It was also my nephew's dedication. A weekend with family and I was loving it. Happy moments all around. I had no idea what was coming.
This was an exciting weekend. My transfer with Sears was finalized. It was also my nephew's dedication. A weekend with family and I was loving it. Happy moments all around. I had no idea what was coming.
March 30, 2013 - Easter Weekend
The holidays were different this year with both Aislinn and Amberlynn married, so we decided to celebrate Easter on Saturday. I had to work all weekend. How unfair is that? But, I was planning on going straight to my parents from work, spending the night, and going to work from there. I was getting ready for work and packing an overnight bag. I left the apartment and drove to the gas station. I remember making a left and heading towards the interstate. Sears was to the right. After that, I only know what I was told. I arrived at my parents house, hysterical, because I "forgot the salad" (my contribution to Easter dinner) I colored, cooed over my nephew, and hung out with my family. My father held me when I cried. My mother and I talked on her bed.
Truth is, I don't remember anything. I am missing an entire week of my life, plus a few days since. Do you know how scary that is? A seemingly normal person suddenly losing days of her life? Thinking parts of your life were a dream because you're so distant from reality?
It was all downhill from there. By April 30, I had moved back in with my parents. I lost my job. I lost all of those people who claimed to be my friends. My parents were constantly asking questions to check my mental state. It was a fun time. My theme song had become BarlowGirl's "I Need You To Love Me".
"You're a God who has all things and still you want me. I need You to love me and I won't keep my heart from You this time."
Days went by, weeks had passed, and I realized I was doing better. I could account for all of my days.
Hope.
Through the weeks and months that followed, I met some pretty remarkable people who brought out sides of Caitlin that I liked. I met a girl who showed me I was patient, tender, loving, and caring. I met a guy who showed me I was still the same book nerd I had always been, and there are some people who actually want to sit at a wedding and compare notes on Fitzgerald. And Frankie - well, he just makes me want to be better. Period.
During this time, I cried out to God. I wanted Him to wrap me in His arms. I wanted Him to guide me. I wanted Him to speak to me. I admit, most of the time it felt like my prayers were bouncing off the sky. I felt like I was stuck in a revolving door, waiting for someone to push me through the other side. (Does that make sense?)
I'm learning. I don't know if pharmacy is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have no idea. But I don't care anymore. I'll figure it out one day. But for now, I'm going to remember each day. I will never take a day for granted again. I'm reading again. Well, more. I'm actually writing again. I'm not determined to get back to who I was before my meltdown, or even before I "found myself". I want to be an unapologetic, caring, kind-hearted, strong lady of Christ. My mental image of Caitlin in ten years isn't a soccer mom with a minivan or a promotion in the city. It's a kind word, a smile, and a shoulder to cry on. Heck, that's Caitlin ten seconds from now. All of the things I was denied by my "friends". It's a little more challenging than it sounds because I've realized I'm still bitter. But if I'm right about my calling, (and I'm sure I am) I need to overcome them.
I may have lost days of my life, and I may not have a clue what I'm doing - but I am
- Kevin and Lisa's daughter
- Frankie, Bobbie, Ken, and Mae's granddaughter
- Aislinn, Jordan, Amberlynn, and Bryan's sister
- Frankie Andrew's aunt
- A fighter
- A survivor
- A life with purpose
- A daughter of the King
and nothing will change that.