Without You: How God Used Audrey Hepburn to Reveal My Self-Worth

What a fool I was! What a dominated fool - to think you were the earth and sky!

A timeless story. A classic movie. A soundtrack of catchy songs. A seasoned veteran in musical theater. And the most beautiful person, inside and out, to grace the silver screen.

In My Fair Lady, Henry Higgins goes after Eliza to convince her to come back. In a lady-like fit of rage, she tells him how she feels through "Without You", a song with a lot of closure and even more sass.

(I mean, just look at that still!)

 

The general synopsis of the song is that everything in this world is perfectly capable of doing their thing without Henry Higgins. Though partially responsible for helping make her the woman she is today, Eliza tells him that she will be perfectly fine without him.

I've had my share of influential people, most of whom I was certain I couldn't live without. They were infectious and I wanted to be around them all the time. They all changed my life in one way or another. When the time came for us to go our separate ways, whether it was on good or bad terms, the world was ending. Well, it felt like it at times. Over time, I came to the realization that I was moving on. I was doing fine without them. Life goes on. And when I was finally over them, they'd send me a friend request or a text message, in hopes of rekindling what once was. How do they always know the most inopportune time to contact you? So, I sat up straight, tried my best not to smirk, and channeled my inner Audrey (just in case they could see me) to politely tell them where to go. Simply put: I deserved better. I didn't need the drama that went with being friends with them. Yes, they helped me in making me the person I am today, but that, in no way, means I owe them. And I have to remind myself of that - a lot.

 

Much like the self-confidence that blossomed in Ms. Doolittle, my self-worth became evident slowly, but surely. I may not be your first choice, but that's okay. I am to other people. I may not be ready when you are, but one I will be - and it will be with the right person. I may not be what you want me to be, but I am exactly who He wants me to be. And honestly, isn't that what it all comes down to?

Without you pulling it, the tide comes in. Without you twirling it, the earth can spin. Without you pushing them, the clouds roll by. If they can do without you, Ducky - so can I!

Train Wrecks or Pure Hearts?

What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...

 

 

 

 

As much as I hate to admit it, I am emotional. I experience emotions on a much larger scale that is difficult for even me to grasp at times.

 

 

 

Do you remember when Kristen Bell was on Ellen, discussing her dream come true of partying with a sloth? She said, "If I'm not between a three and a seven on the emotional scale, I'm crying."

This is so unbelievably true for me. While I'm not in the fetal position in hysterics, I'm fighting it. Hard. I want to cry all the time. Not for any reason in particular, either. Let me tell you - it's exhausting.

 

Whether it's nostalgia, loneliness, joy, excitement, or a moment of overwhelming peace, it's guaranteed there is a knot in my throat.

 

I love it just as much as I hate it. Like I said, it's exhausting. I don't just get annoyed, I get irritated. I skip over the whole jealousy thing and go straight to the green-eyed monster. When I'm hurt, there is nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. (Except Frankie, but.. I mean, come on!) When I'm angry, well, let's just say the Hulk's got nothing on me. But I fight the intensity of these feelings. That's why it is exhausting. I'm really good at fighting my feelings. "Conceal. Don't feel. Don't let them knoooww." That would be the downside of being a pastor's kid. I know I rag on being a pastor's kid, but I just don't think people understand that things are a lot more 7th Heaven's later scandalous years than the early wholesome episodes of the mid-nineties. Nevertheless, we prevailed - stronger and wiser. Unfortunately, some habits don't die. The picture-perfect oldest daughter of a senior pastor that congregations all over the eastern United States can't seem to shake the notion that I am allowed to have feelings, and it's okay to show them sometimes.

 

Back in April, I accepted an offer to be a youth leader at my church. I was reluctant, mostly because I have always been intimidated by teenagers. Even when I was one, I hung out with adults. (Oldest child syndrome, I think.) Anyway, I said yes, and this has been the best decision I've made in a long time. I love every single person that walks into the room. I don't fully understand it, but I'm committing myself 100% to this group of students. It's been hard - I won't lie. I've gone to several people for advice, and while some of them were helpful, most of them gave me this solid advice: "Relax. Stop worrying about it. Don't over-think it. Just keep doing what you're doing." Am I scared I'm screwing this up every single day? Yes. Am I worried one of these kids is going to take my advice the wrong way? More than you know. Do I think someone else is better suited for this position? Absolutely. But someone saw something in me, and I have to have faith in that. I have to see what they see, and trust it. I realized this past week that out of everything that is going on in my life right now, being a youth leader is the one thing I don't screw up on a daily basis. At least, to the best of my knowledge. 

 

Today I participated in the Ice Bucket Challenge. I wasn't going to, despite being nominated twice. I donated money, but I really didn't think my pouring water on my head was going to make a difference in the world of ALS awareness. One of my co-worker's husbands died a couple of years ago after battling ALS for years. I knew this, and felt the need to donate. When our CEO challenged the entire company, I groaned. Out loud. (I was at home when I got the memo, so I didn't actually make a fool out of myself.) A few of us were discussing it at work, and it was mentioned that "if you don't participate, you're an *expletive* and not a team player..." blah, blah, blah. And that made me mad. So mad, that I was going to take a personal day and not have to deal with it. Last night, I had a dream about my co-worker. I woke up, packed some extra clothes, and went to work fully prepared to take this Ice Bucket Challenge. Not for the company. Not for the sake of following through with a nomination. For my co-worker. My work mom. My "not putting up with office bull crap" partner-in-crime. So I stood beside her today as I dumped a bucket of (mostly) ice on my head for ALS awareness. The joy that exuded from this woman was so contagious. It made me proud to be soaking wet for no other reason but to say "Yes, I donated to make a difference." It may seem stupid to you, but to my co-worker (white "Walk to Defeat ALS" shirt), this was one of the best days of her life. She could not stop thanking this team. It seemed so insignificant, but to her, it meant so, so much.

 

 

 

 

My point:
When I allow my feelings, whatever they may be, to be focused on others in a positive way, it's not so tiring. It's... exhilarating. And even when I focus on myself, it's exhilerating. To feel things with your whole heart and not hold back - why haven't I been doing this?! Feel every emotion. Embrace every feeling, whether it be negative or positive.

**Do you see how unorganized this post is? This is my brain. All the time. I am constantly sorting through thoughts and stories and ideas to get to what I want to say. I don't always succeed. So when I babble, hang on a minute - I'll eventually say what I need to say. :)

 

And now I leave you with this bubble-gum pop song from a Disney Channel movie of the early 2000's era. You're welcome.

 

 





Silent Battles

In light of recent events, today I'm going off script and writing about something that I've been moderately open with over the years.

Depression.

Depression effects more than 17.5 million people in the United States. It's estimated that 60% of those suffering with depression do not seek professional help. Depression effects people of all ages, races, and social classes. You are not an exception.

I have suffered with depression for most of the last ten years. As a 14-year old with social issues and a temper, I was repeatedly told "It's a phase. You'll grow out of it." and "It's just teen angst. Be patient." It wasn't until I graduated high school, that I was able to find a doctor who not only believed me when I told him what I was feeling, but gave me steps to help treat it. I was put on anti-depressants for five years. I have been in counseling. I spent years (years!) letting people tell me that I could be freed from this spirit of depression. Have you ever had people plan a night of intercessory prayer and you just sit there like, "Uh... guys... this isn't working..."? That happened on more than one occasion, actually.

Depression is not something that can be fixed. It can be treated. It can be managed. If there is one thing I've learned from suffering with depression, and watching loved ones suffer as well, you are never really free. It can take a single moment to snap you back into the void. Sometimes, it's gradual, and before you realize it, you're lost.

I don't want to limit what God can do in healing people at all. I'm not saying He can't. I'm not saying He doesn't. He can free you, absolutely, but just like anything else, it's not forever. You can be healed from cancer, but it can also return years later. It's the same thing. God has the power to heal you, but that doesn't make it permanent. Sometimes, you have to accept that this is your cross to bear, and take steps to manage it according to the opinion of a professional, whether it be pastoral, medical, or psychological.

Like I mentioned, I wasn't taken seriously in my battle with depression until after I graduated high school. I was taking medication to help level my mood swings, etc. The thing about anti-depressants is you have to take them all the time. You can't just take it if you're having a bad day. You have to have that medicine continually in your system in order for it to work. I hate taking medication, so this didn't appeal to me. However, I did it (most days), and it worked. I still had my blue days, but they were fewer and fewer. I was doing so well that I stopped my medication. Life was good. I was happy. I let people into my life that I believed were positive influences, and in some ways they were. They pushed me to be better and try new things. It became an addiction. An unattainable addiction. And one day, I lost my mind. Literally. I don't remember weeks at a time from last year. I weighed a scary 110 pounds at my breaking point. I lost my job, I lost my apartment, I lost my friends... I became so focused on reaching this level (of someone else's idea) of perfection that it caused me to have a mental breakdown. I've come to realize that all I needed was to be loved, but the people who I looked to for that love left at the first sign of trouble. My family saved my life. It was a very difficult thing to go through. Even now, its hard to accept that I can't remember most of last spring.

How did I overcome it? Well, I'm not taking any medication. Not this time. That's a personal choice, though. I felt like the side effects of the medicine weren't worth it. I got involved in my church. It was "like falling asleep. Slowly, then all at once." I started going to a small group every other week. Then I started working in the pre-school class once a month. Now I'm a youth leader. All of this, along with regular services and youth events - total emersion in the Lord's work. "Pouring into the lives of the people around you allows room for them to pour into yours." I thought it clichéd until this past year. I was able to get a good job, and though there have been a few hiccups in the process, it's been a great growing experience. I've been blessed with people that haven't let me say no to opportunities - but it's been out of love. They see something in me that I don't. They see the person I am and the gifts I have and have loved me enough to show me how to use them to help others.

I'm not going to lie, I struggle. Daily. I still have days where I "blackout"... I don't remember what I did that day, what I said to people. It's scary to think I'm doing so well, but am still experiencing these set-backs. The key to overcoming depression is to take it one day at a time. But the most important thing to do is to talk to someone. You are not alone. There are people who are going through exactly what you're going through who can help you.

Today, we remember those who have lost their battle with depression. The warm smiles that hid so much pain. The laughter that was so infectious, yet so foreign. The hugs that were always "too tight and too long" that you now wish were longer. To the ones we know and the ones we don't, I don't think apologies could make a difference, but know that our eyes and hearts are more open to those around us. We're all fighting battles.

Never Grow Up: A Letter of Hopeful Wisdom from Aunt Caitlin

I knew the drive home from work was going to be long. I was exhausted and it was raining a steady, calming rain. My radio stations were fading in and out from the storm, so I blindly pulled a CD from my visor and hit "shuffle". The often whiny, but somehow addictive voice of Taylor Swift echoed in my car, singing anthems of angst and heartbreak. Then, a familiar guitar progression, mellow and comforting, capture my full attention.

"You are not going to cry this time."

So I unlocked the heartless side of my personality, and put on my tough guy face and made it through the entire five minutes unaffected by the song.

Yeah, I laughed as I wrote that, too.

No, I cried. Like a baby. Not because of my personal nostalgia of growing up, but because my mind immediately went to the blond-haired, blue-eyed wonderment who answers to the name Frankie Andrew.

Dear Frankie,

I never imagined that my sister would so casually announce her pregnancy by barging into my room while I was cleaning and hand me the pregnancy tests. I never imagined that I would be the kind of person that was almost unable to contain my enthusiasm for nine months. As soon as I found out that she was having a boy, I bought you the cutest little suit. I proudly planned a baby shower in your honor and helped (as much as possible) your mother carefully carry you to term, whether it was a shoulder to cry on or a crane lifting stress off her shoulders. Even in the womb, you were a stubborn little fellow. It was about a month before you were born when I finally felt you kick, and it made my day. I stayed at the hospital as much as I was allowed to when your mom went into labor. And though I had to work, and wasn't there during your first moments into this world, I was there as soon as I could be. When we first met, your father introduced me as "the crazy aunt", and let me tell you, I'm only getting started! There isn't a doubt in my mind that we will have our share of adventures. I really hope I'm not one of those aunts who is "too involved", but rather a friend that is always there for you. I've watched you grow over the past sixteen months and it has been the biggest joy and the biggest blessing. I have realized that I have so much I want to tell you - the "you" you are at any given age in life. You can take it or leave it, but know that I mean every word.

First, know that you are loved more than you know. Love breaks, but love also mends. Your family is a force to be reckoned with, and I only ask that you reciprocate that love. It won't always be easy, either -you come from a long line of stubbornness. But to love and be loved is something people take for granted, and I hope you never do.

Don't underestimate your inner strength. Period. "You are braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." If you ever need help remembering that, I know a few people who would be more than happy to remind you. When you stumble, and you will, get back up, brush it off, and move on. When life throws you a curve ball, hit it out of the park. Pardon my clichés, if you will. If there's one thing I've learned about handling tough situations it's that you never know who is watching. It's not enough to tell a great story, you must live a great story.

Take chances and cease opportunities... as many as you can. You'll only regret the ones you passed over. If the opportunity to travel comes your way, whether for work or pleasure, GO. Don't weigh a list of pros and cons. Don't wait until you win the lottery. Don't wait. Just go.

As a general rule for life, if they teach you the consequences of certain actions in health class, just say no. Whether it's drugs, alcohol, sex, or not brushing your teeth - there's a reason the government requires schools to teach you the side effects of doing said things.

Believe it or not, there was a time when you were afraid of grass. Your parents didn't let you stay on the porch, though. They might have bribed you with toys, but it was this milestone, and all of the others, that let your parents know they were doing something right.  When you're a kid, your parents seem like superheroes. However, their heroism knows no bounds. The older you get, the more you realize just how amazing your parents truly are. So, give them a break every now and then.

Remember the little things: the way Papaw slaps his chest when he laughs, the way Meemaw's kisses make everything better, and the sound of the house when it's full of genuine happiness. Always find time for family - it's never wasted and often never lasts long enough. I know we can be a bit overwhelming, but if there's anything I've learned in my short twenty-three years with them, they are the best part of life. You're never too old for eating ice cream cones or catching fireflies. Never pass up the opportunity to pet a friendly dog or make a baby laugh. Watch movies and cartoons, but read books, too. Lots and lots of books. Don't lose the wonderment of knowing your place when you look at the sky and the oceans. If it brings you peace, do it. Peace is such an important part of living a life you're proud of.

And finally, know that no matter where you are or what you've done, somebody loves you and is always going to be proud of you. They are always going to be there for you. They will always encourage you. They will always, always, ALWAYS be on your side - even when you're wrong. You're family is far from perfect, but their grace is endless because their love is endless.

You have filled our lives with so much joy and hope by being your toddling self. Keep it up, kiddo.

I love you, Frankie!

Aunt Caitlin

Sleeping at the Wheel.

According to my peers, I'm just a silly, white girl because I'm a huge Matchbox Twenty fan (I really, should be embarrassed, but I'm not), but they never cease to amaze me. This song has been on repeat for the past two weeks.

 

 

 

 

I, I could be anything
But for the fault that I've acquired on my way
We, We were the end of it
But now we see the sun shining in our face
We see the sun shining in our face

So come on, come on we can be saved
The lives we live, the wars we wage
When everyone just tells us how to feel
We're sleeping at the wheel

And I, I would give anything
But for the grace of God I'm here and still aware
We know the end is overrated
We've became the walls we raise
We don't believe enough but we still cared
Standing on the edge without a prayer

So come on, come on it's all we got
Our hands are full, our lives are not
The loose affiliation with the real
We're sleeping at the wheel

All of the time we've lost
All of the love we gave
And now these hands are tied
I can't help thinking
That I was in a daze, I was losing my place
I was screaming out at everything
Waiting for the walls to come down
Before my moments starts to fade
But everything that's perfect falls away

So come on, come on we can be saved
The lives we live, the wars we wage
When everyone just tells us how to feel
We're sleeping at the wheel
We're sleeping at the wheel
Just sleeping at the wheel

Force of Impact

We all have those days. The ones where you sleep in because you have the day off. The ones where you can just drive around town with absolutely no agenda. The ones where you spend much needed time with the people you love. The ones that are warm and sunny, offering a glimmer of hope that summer is in fact coming. The ones that appear to be straight out of "The Truman Show", if that's even possible. And in one second - one tiny second - all of that comes to a screeching halt. Literally.

I had my first car accident. I totaled my car when I hit the back bumper of a minivan. I failed to stop at a red light because of the sun glaring through my window. The sound cars make upon impact is unlike any other sound I've heard in my life. I've heard a car accident before, but this time it was different. It was quick, loud, and resonates even now. Airbags deployed before I could comprehend what was happening. I hit the brakes and stopped safely next to a utility pole. Several failed attempts to open my door forced me to crawl across broken glass to my passenger door, leaving my shoes wedged under the dash. I ran out to find two gentlemen who had called 911. The other vehicle informed me, quite hysterically, that she had kids in the car. My heart sank. I was unable to see the damage I had done to her car, but they assured me they were all fine. Not a single bump, bruise, or scratch was evident on their bodies. (Shout out to the sharp-dressed might-have-been-a-lawyer who stepped in when I thought for sure I was going to be murdered.) Thankfully, there was an unmarked police car a few cars behind us when the collision occurred. Within minutes, we had local police and fireman on the scene. I managed to dig my flip flops out from the under the dash and present my information to the police while I gave my statement. Thankfully, the other vehicle only lost a bumper. Celeste, on the other hand, lost a little bit more. She will make her way to a scrap yard, proud of her service. After the EMTs looked me over (it didn't take long because I insisted I was fine.) I called my mother. As soon as she answered the phone, I lost it. She calmly asked the right questions and told me she would be there to pick me up as soon as possible. Firemen used chemical neutralizers around the ever-growing puddle of various fluids that poured from my vehicle. "The last thing we need is someone to toss their cigarette out the window," he said with a smirk, trying to ease the tension. The tow truck came and loaded my baby onto the bed. Though it seemed like an eternity, my mom arrived about ten minutes later. The moment I saw her, tears fell from my eyes as if someone had turned on a spigot. She hugged me and told me everything was going to be fine. We followed up with the police before they cleared me to go. We wanted to see my dad, just to let him know that I was alright. Telling my dad terrified me. My dad is not mean or condescending in any way, but not only was my car totaled - it was my fault. But like any good father, he just hugged me and said he was glad everyone was okay. We spent the rest of the day dealing with insurance companies and a less-than-adequate emergency room, but not before a quick Dairy Queen run for some much needed "depression food", as my family calls it. (Sometimes it's cheesecake, but that day expressed a dire need for a French Silk Pie Blizzard.

Much like the impact that shattered my windows, my perspective on fears and risks were destroyed. The bruises to my confidence seemed so much worse than the crumpling of my car. I was 21 when I got my license, and I only got it because I was left with no other option. My fear of risking my life, and those in every car I'd meet along the way, was the ball and chain in my quest for freedom in the form of transportation. Now, in the briefest of seconds, it had become my reality. And the worse part about it - it was my fault. Not only was I in a car accident, I was to blame. If you had asked me that day, I would have told you I would be perfectly fine if I never drove another car again. Instead, I woke up the next morning, literally stumbling out of bed because of my injuries, and (cautiously) drove myself to work. Every single person I came in contact with told me I was nuts for not taking the day off. My response was even shocking for me to hear: "The world didn't end." THE WORLD DIDN'T END. I faced one of my biggest fears, and though I have my share of residual pain, the world kept on spinning. And I am going to be just fine.

Same Mulder, Different Day...

Maybe it's other people's reactions to us that makes us who we are

Fox Mulder

 

 

 

The topics of my moral stance and beliefs have been the topic of discussion for years. I have strong opinions and I stand behind them. I almost always see things black and white. I think with my brain, listen to my heart, and trust my gut. An invitation to do drugs, smoke, or party is one I will always pass on. It doesn't matter how highly recommended they come, I don't read trashy novels. I don't appreciate a dirty or perverted joke. I would rather watch a Hallmark movie than most movies out today. I guess that's why people call me a prude.

Prude (prood) - noun

*a person who is excessively proper or modest in speech, conduct, dress, etc.*

*a person who affects or shows an excessively modest, prim, or proper attitude*

*worthy or respectable woman*

Recently, I referred to someone as a "douche bag". (Not my finest moment, but in all honesty, he deserved a much stronger term than that.) The complete shock on a few faces was unsettling. "Oh, Caitlin learned a new word!" they said, mockingly. "Caitlin's got a potty mouth!" 

If I'm being completely honest with you, I was offended. I have this good-two-shoes reputation that is constantly looked at negatively. Or at least it's vocalized negatively. 

Yes, I get offended when people use profanity, especially when they're hand-raising, amen-shouting members of my congregation, but that's my conviction, not theirs. So if I don't sing the curse words in a song or fail to find your dirty joke humorous, that doesn't mean I'm scared to let loose.

I get offended when people treat others disrepectfully. During my short-lived career as a waitress, I served many people I had gone to church with. And let me tell you, they are some of the rudest people. And because I knew they were proud members of their church, I was put off. The world is lacking respect in all areas, so if I show a little respect to someone - even if they don't deserve it - that doesn't make me a pushover.

I've mentioned my bullet-proof "case of emotion" before. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I have it in a bullet-proof case - you can see it, but you can't touch it. Over the past few years - this last year specifically - I'm trying to be more vulnerable. Im trying to be more loving and open to all of these "new" emotions. That doesn't make me weak. There's strength in vulnerability.

When it comes to entertainment, you can guarentee that if my 86-year old grandmother likes it, I will, too. Sometimes I read young adult fiction and get judged because it's juvenile. A good story is a good story, nevermind what section of the book store you buy it from. Wholesome, and sometimes cheesy storylines (also know as a "made-for-tv movie) are what fill up my Netflix queue. For example, "Letters to Juliet" is one of my all-time favorite movies. Not once do we hear a curse word or the mention of anything sexual. And, yet, it is one of my favorite love stories ever. It is proof that you can have a romantic comedy without innuendo and passionate affection. Does that make me foolish and naive? No.

I'm kind of a diva, according to my family and a few of my co-workers. I like wearing dresses and heels and make-up and dressy tops and scarves and accessroies and... well, you get the picture. It may come across superficial, but have you looked at society lately? If they're not in yoga pants and pajamas, they're scantily clad. So go ahead and make fun of my cardigans and sweater dresses, but I'm trying to respect not only myself, but the people around me, too. 

I like boy bands. Everyone knows that. On sunny days, I dig out 90s and 00s pop cds and jam. I'm still the proud owner of Jump5 cds. They're fun and remind me of my childhood. I guess I don't understand how my listening to Jesse McCartney one minute, and Steven Curtis Chapman the next gives you permission to judge me, but it's stupid. I appreciate a strong lyric, but I also like the senseless fun of the now seemingly crappy music I listened to ten years ago. If that makes you laugh, I'm glad I can help.

All of these things and more (even down to the color of my fingernails) have been the reason I'm still single. Or so I've been told by strangers and even family at times. Can I just say that if a guy is turned off by my taste in music or my modesty or even my convictions on abstinence, I don't want to date him either. I'd rather live a life I'm proud of than sacrifice my beliefs for one you think I should be living. So you met your husband online? That's great... for you. Maybe I'm too conventional, but I dream of finding the love of my life unexpectedly, not through a virtual Cupid. I'm trusting God and His plan for me with this subject and unless He tattoos it on my forehead, I will not look to a dating site for true love. I'm okay with where I'm at right now. You should be, too.

Believe it or not, I am actually uber sensitive. When I show it, I'm "dramatic", but when I'm indifferent, I'm bitchy. I'm generally quiet, until I get to know you. If I have my loud periods and then revert back to my shy demeanor, that's reason to jump to the conclusion that something is wrong. I'm bossy and I don't always think before I speak, but I know when to apologize and step back from the situation. I have very strong commitments to abstinence and my faith. I work hard for what I need, and if there is anything left over, then I get what I want. My parents sacrificed so much for me, I only hope to live in a way that makes them proud - that their sacrifices weren't in vain.

Audrey Hepburn had this uncanny ability to say exactly what I want to say.

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."

"The greatest beauty tip: For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her hands through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you will never walk alone. People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed, never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others."

If all of this makes me a prude, then I accept it. I'd rather be a prude than the alternative.

Some Nights I Don't Know Anymore

Man, you wouldn't believe the most amazing things that can come from some terrible lies.

Yes, the lyric is technically wrong according to the writers of the song ("...some terrible nights" is the correct phrase), but that doesn't matter. It can go either way for these stories.  

 

 This is my first-ever requested post. I have carefully considered every word. I have consulted with several people on the subject. What you are about to read is not only a result of my personal experiences, but of many other sources. These are the stories of overcomers. These are the stories of strong, victorious people. These are the stories that almost didn't happen. These are the stories of people who made a choice to rise above their circumstance. These are the stories of your friends, your family, your co-workers. These are your stories.
 

 

A young girl's innocence is taken from her. Her heartache is something she cannot express. To anyone. Haunted by past events, discouraging words, and an overall sense of insecurity and worthlessness, she believes she cannot go on like this anymore. During her darkest time, hope radiated from small child - a child she did not know. She realized how much she had and how much she had to look forward to. Today, she is living out those dreams, and discovering new ones.


A girl, a guarded heart, and a friend that single-handedly knocked down that wall just to build it back up. Opening herself up to a world outside of her comfort zone, she realized how much she was missing out on because of her excuses. An unmeasurable amount of trust was placed in her friend. Then her friend started to change, and treated her like she didn't matter. She had invested so much into this relationship. She was told she acted emotionless and it was "exhausting" to be friends with someone like that. Feeling worthless and betrayed, she closed her walls and shut them out. It was several months before she got over the hurtful things that were said and done to her, but she learned to let people in again. She learned to step out of her comfort zone on her terms.


A lifelong friend and a lifetime of disappointment. These two friends literally spent their entire lives together. As adolescence took over, each faced their own demons, some stronger than others. Thus begins the cycle: friends-to-enemies-to-reconciliation-to-friends-to-enemies-to-reconciliation... let's just say it's complicated. Though in her nature to help and extend grace such as Christ did, the heartache she experiences every time her friend betrays her is too much to bear sometimes. But her unconditional love and respect for her friend is admirable to others.


 A young man who was told he would never amount to anything because he was disabled. A man who spent his whole life hearing his dreams were meant for someone else. After years of prayerfully seeking God's plan for his life, he courageously stepped out from behind the lies he was told and stood before a congregation where he delivered one of the most powerful sermons the church had ever heard. His disability had no effect on God's plan for his life. What seemed to be a crutch was actually a catapult for his ministry.

As for me - well, I've talked about it before. Last year proved to be the most difficult year of my life thus far. I endured an emotional roller coaster from very first moment of January 1st. People disappoint you. And placing all of your faith in them is not their fault - it's yours. That was a hard lesson to learn. I trusted people with secrets, bills, a place to live, parts of my heart that were hard to release - and they all let me down when I needed them most. They left me at the first sign of trouble, when I was most fragile. In the process, they turned everyone against me. Literally, everyone who I had called a friend left me because of the "untruths" that were told about me. The confidants that weren't there for me. I found my way back to God and church. I found a place that felt like home. I found a place where there are people - people who care. I found friends. I found accountability. I found purpose. I am finding myself and who I am in God's eyes. All of those lies everyone believed, that I believed lead me to my breaking point. Instead of giving up, I turned to my faith and was able to see they were merely stepping stones in the long journey to forgiveness. My heart is softer. My love is deeper. And I'm only getting started.

I asked a friend to read over the lyrics to the song and let it speak to her personal experiences. A few hours later, I received a message from her apologizing because she really couldn't relate to them. My initial reaction was "Well, good for you..." with a snarky attitude. I was Gibbs slapped hard by the Holy Spirit for that attitude. Then I thought about it... good for you! To be in your mid-twenties and able to say that the loneliness and heartache expressed in this song is something you've never had to endure - that's pretty incredible.

But for those of us who have let the loneliness and the negativity get to us - the lessons to be learned are unmeasurable. I could tell you not to believe the lies, but we all do it sometimes. I could tell you to hold on to hope, but sometimes the line is too blurred. I could tell you that you're going to have a great testimony, but that doesn't take away the hurt you're feeling right now.

People are going to lie to you. You are going to believe them. Your world is going to come crashing in around you. You will rise above it. Amazing things are going to come from your pain.

Wishing, Hoping, Thinking, Praying

Sometimes I ask God for "extreme" things.

Like for my radio station to not go out when I reach the town square.

Or for a more efficient way to organize my clothes and shoes.

Or for a workout that melts away the weight instantly.

Or for a way to wake up refreshed every single morning without the aid of coffee.

Or for grace and poise to come naturally to me.

Or for the chance to go to Italy (and possibly stay forever).

Or for Him to make me a person with excellent people skills instead of this awkward, fidgety girl.

Or for a way to make new episodes of I Love Lucy with Lucy and Desi.

Or for a non-stop flow of pure literary magic to pour from my heart.

Or for millions of orphans to find their own loving forever family.

Or for an opportunity to fight alongside Sam and Dean in an epic adventure of the supernatural.


Okay, so maybe I'm kidding with that last one - but how cool would that be? (Sometimes I think I'm the only person who knows what I'm talking about.)

 

 

Looking at that list, I see now that most of them are wishes.

There is a fine line between a wish and a prayer.

The difference is.... your attitude.

 

Before your head explodes with rage because I didn't say God, let me explain.

 

Wish - to desire; long; yearn

Prayer - a spiritual communion with God or an object of worship, as in supplication, thanksgiving, adoration, or confession.

 

 

 

We can wish for everything, but unless we have our own personal smurf-ized Robin Williams or a flittering source of pixie dust, it's not going to do us much good.

 

We can wish on stars, eyelashes, dandelions, wishbones, and birthday candles - but who exactly is supposed to make that wish come true? Fate?

Wishing is innocent. I want to make it clear that I'm not against wishing. If I'm stargazing, I may find myself wishing on a star (it's not hard to get lost in the vastness of life while looking at the stars). I always make a wish on my birthday cake. And if you know me in virtually any capacity, you know I'm a sucker for a wishing dandelion. Of course, as I've gotten older, I'm come to realize that I have to put effort into make my wishes come true. And that usually means accepting the fact that I can't do it on my own.

Which leads me to prayer.

 

Prayer forces me to humble myself in the midst of selfishness. It is a step of faith, not fate. It is that same faith that allowed

 

Peter to walk on water

 

and Daniel to survive the lion's den,

 

and Joshua to knock down the walls of Jericho.

 

Prayer forces me to rely on someone other than myself. It forces me to believe that it will happen because I serve an almighty God, and through Him, all things are possible. When I hit my lowest point and wished I was dead, God waited patiently for me to realize my wish wasn't the same as the prayer from my heart. When the world crashes in around me, I don't wish for it to get better. I pray for God to teach me what He wants me to learn. It's the attitude of humility and reverence and honesty and acceptance of God's will that separates the wish from the prayer.

 

I started writing with a purpose and I'm not sure I fulfilled that purpose (I guess I also wish that I was able to communicate my thoughts effectively!), but the bottom line is wishes come true, but prayers get answered. 





"But I've found that, ultimately, if you pour your heart into what you believe in - even if it makes you vulnerable - amazing things can and will happen."
~Emma Watson~

 

 

I've decided to make this my priority in 2014.

So yeah... God should have fun with this.

According to Who?: Learning to See Through the Right Eyes

Women Who Are Hot and Women Who Are Beautiful
(^This article is an absolute gem.^)

 

The struggle to find inner peace with oneself is constant. It is daily, hourly, even every moment for some. The desire to be perfect, or somebody else's idea of perfect becomes an obsession. Negative thoughts, degrading comments, and objectifying slowly tear you down until you're lost with no hope in sight.

 

Maybe it's a few extra pounds or the fact that when you look in the mirror you only see your freckles. Maybe your hair is dark and curly when all you want is straight, blond hair. Your legs are too short, your toenails grow funny, and your voice sounds like you have a cold all the time.

 

Maybe it's not a physical insecurity, but a mental an emotional insecurity. Maybe you've been bullied, told you weren't going places. Maybe you were told your dreams were too big, meant for someone else. Maybe you've spent too many years hearing you could be better.

 

Maybe it's through comparison with cover girls and prom queens that leaves tears on your pillow from crying yourself to sleep.

 

Maybe you cant let go.

 

These are all lies. Lies that, for some reason or another, we believe so much that we end up hating ourselves.

 

Listen to me very carefully: Just because she's beautiful it doesn't mean you aren't.

 

We have a strong force driving us to believe we are less than adequate if our façade isn't seemingly perfect. We often forget there is a stronger force trying to tell us that we are enough. We are loved for who we are. We are loved no matter what season we are in. We are loved despite negative things from our past. We are loved because we are worth loving.

When my nephew was born, I learned a new kind of love. It sounds cliché, but it's true. This little man doesn't care if you have an ugly tooth or a bad hair day. His face lights up when he sees you. He doesn't know anything about you except that you love him, and he loves you right back.

 

All of those mistakes you've made, all of those hours you spent perfecting yourself - they don't matter. All of that time you spent hating yourself could have been spent learning to love even then most difficult parts of who you are.
 

I honestly wish I could see what other people see when they look at me. The way my parents and sisters see success when I've been unemployed or lost about what career path I should pursue. The way my family's help was an investment instead of a handout. When a child in the class I teach looks at me and says "Wow, you're pretty" as my stomach growls because I skipped breakfast when my pants wouldn't button.

 

Then there are times I don't wish I could see myself as others do. For the past few years, I have been the recipient of seemingly endless sympathies because my younger sisters were married and I was alone. I calmly replied to everyone with a smile and something along the lines of "I'm happy for them. I'm not ready to settle down." They'd smile half-heartedly while their minds raced with possible reasons why I wouldn't want to be a wife and mother yet. Isn't that what every girl dreams of? I'm sure there are a lot of speculations about my life as a single woman. They think I'm living a life that's somewhat unfulfilled because I'm "missing out". Apparently I'm not "living for anyone" so I'm lonely.

 

Can I just say one thing? I may not be living for a man or a child, but I am living for God and myself. I am finding out who I am with the knowledge that it doesn't come from loving someone, but loving yourself. I'm learning to see myself through God's eyes.

 

A scene I'll never forget from Bruce Almighty was towards the end of the movie. Bruce has been hit by a truck and is in Heaven talking to God about Grace. God asks him what he cares about most. "Grace," he whispers. When asked if he wants her back, Bruce says no. "I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now - through Your eyes." (click here for clip)
 

Learn to do that. Learn to see yourself how your parents see you, how your family sees you. Learn to see yourself through the eyes of your Creator. Learn to see just what an amazing person you are. God doesn't make mistakes. You are who you are for a reason. He made you on purpose. Why would you question that? Why would you doubt Him? God has given us all gifts, and sometimes those gifts include an appreciation for gifts others have. I am not artistic in any way that doesn't involve a coloring book and crayons, but I appreciate the artists who are confident in their gifts to share them with the world. I can't sing a note if my life depended on it, but I certainly appreciate the songs people sing. It's a cycle. Your gift, though it may seem miniscule compared to somebody else's, can be an inspiration to others. If you can't acknowledge your gifts, how can you share them?

 

So, when you're having a bad day, remember - "Know who you are, and know it's enough."

 

 

So, he's a bit of a fixer upper?... That's a minor thing

"The best Disney film since 'The Lion King'!"

I will not deny its charm or the way it made you feel like you were watching a Disney movie from the 20th century.

I will not deny that I proudly rank it up there with Beauty and the Beast and Tangled.

I will not deny that the star-studded cast, all of which have been on Broadway at some point, performed just as perfectly as I could have hoped.

I will not deny the overall adoration I have for a movie who traded a damsel in distress plot for a lesson in family.

I will, however, deny any allegations that Frozen, specifically, encourages relationships based on anything but mutual feelings of love and respect.

Recently, I read a post that reprimanded Frozen for the song "Fixer Upper".  Kristoff's family (...of trolls) breaks out in song upon meeting Anna for the first time. They point out little quirks, such as the way he walk, talks, and talks to his pet reindeer. They're hook is "The way to fix up this fixer upper is to fix him up with you!" In this post, the author went on about how you cannot change a person. You cannot give in to pressure when it comes to dating someone for the sole purpose of "saving him" or changing his ways. A dire need to teach young girls about the dangers of dating "troubled souls" was expressed in, what I consider, a HUGE stretch. For crying out loud, she's trusting a guy who voices his reindeer in conversation to take her on a journey to save a life. Disney movies have been using this theme for the past 80+ years. While I agree that dating the wrong person for the wrong reasons is something every person should be made aware of, there is no such thing as a stable person. Have you ever considered that maybe you could be that person that someone wants to "rescue"? Also, I'd like you to consider the source. The trolls basically raised Kristoff. It wasn't one of Anna's sorority sisters holding out hope for the couple. Anyway....

Let's break down some of the lyrics and compare them to the movie.

"You'll never meet a fellow who's as sensitive and sweet. So he's a bit of a fixer upper? So he's got a few flaws?"

We know that Kristoff is a sweet guy. Stubborn, and lacking in people skills, sure. But, if you didn't notice, he kind of decided to help Anna find her sister even though he didn't know her. He gave her solid advice about men. And, he may have saved her life a few times. No big deal. And when she told him to leave, and he wanted to (boy, did he want to!) he didn't. And who rushed Anna back to the castle when she was dying and in need of her "true loves's kiss"? That's what I thought.

"Are you holding back your fondness due to... the way he covers up that he's the honest goods?"

God forbid we meet a man who's humble. Nope, wouldn't want that.

"His isolation is confirmation of his desperation for human hugs."

If you don't know, Kristoff doesn't mention a family of any kind, except for the trolls. We have no knowledge of his birth parents. He has been alone, well... alone with a reindeer since he was a young boy. Raised by trolls, he has no concept of how to react or relate with people. He does his job and keeps to himself, but we all know that a reindeer can't give you the same things a person can.

"We're not saying you can change him 'cause people don't really change. We're only saying that love's a force that's powerful and strange. People make bad choices if they're mad or scared or stressed, but throw a little love their way and you'll bring out their best."

I shouldn't have to explain that one. Come on, folks. And finally...

"Everyone's a bit of a fixer upper - that's what it's all about. Father! Sister! Brother! We need each other to raise us up and round us out."

Seriously, guys... true love, as the movie points out, isn't necessarily a romantic love. Pure, unadulterated, unconditional love. The kind of love that God shows to us. Do you understand what I'm saying? While we cannot offer someone salvation, we can certainly show them the love that Christ shows.

I'd also like to add that it's not Disney's responsibility to teach girls (and boys!) about the rights and wrongs of dating. That's your job! Since when is a movie supposed to do your job as responsible adult? If they can't determine the difference between a fairy tale romance versus one in reality, they are not mature enough for a relationship in the first place. Disney is a source of entertainment. One of the purest forms of entertainment in this day and age. The fact that this song is causing a tizzy among people is absurd. Have you forgotten that Snow White lived with seven men? Or that Aurora was technically dead until someone kissed her? Or that the love of Cinderella's life had to go all over town putting a shoe on every woman's foot to find his true love because apparently he didn't know what she looked like?

Where are the tirades about the many evils of them?

Oh, that's right... we weren't so sensitive back then, huh? When we looked at these movies as feel-good stories with catchy songs. If only we could somehow get back to that... teaching our children the hard life lessons and letting the movies be there for a rainy day.

But, hey... I'm only 23. What do I know?

Carry On My Wayward Son

I have been the recipient of countless judgmental looks and statements because I am part of the fandom known as Saltgunners. This particular group of super fans are more or less avid viewers of Supernatural.

Supernatural follows two brothers, Sam and Dean Winchester, who travel all over the country picking fights with demons, ghosts, and other supernatural beings. A brief history of how two twenty-somethings got into such a field: Sam and Dean's mother was killed by a demon when they were really young. Their father became a hunter, taking the boys across the U.S. with him. Sam left the "business" to go to college. Dean stayed with his father. One unusually long hunt forced Dean to find Sam and search for their father. They've been to hell, purgatory, and heaven. They've battled countless monsters, included leviathans, vampires, and shapeshifters. They've had more deaths and resurrections than Buffy ever did. Their best friend is a fallen angel. They drive a 1967 Chevy Impala affectionally named Baby.

So they started the apocolypse... they also ended it.

So they're the vessels for Michael and Lucifer... they played their roles - with ulterior motives.

So they have a thing for women and booze... they are twnety-something guys who are on the road 95% of the time. Not an excuse, but it is a secular show.

So the show delves into lore about supernatural beings from every religion imaginable... it's quite the learning experience.

As a Christian, I can honestly say that I don't find anything wrong with the show. I don't see it as a sin to watch it or expose myself to it in anyway. They show is about defeating evil and doing the right thing. They have saved countless lives in the process. I think my favorite part of the show is that every episode challenges Sam and Dean in one way or another. Sometimes it's faith in a higher power (Dean has this thing about God... he's working on it.), sometimes it's trusting people, sometimes it's just a matter of doing the right thing even when it means losing someone. The boys always put family first. Always.

In episode two of season four, "Are You There God? It's Me, Dean Winchester", Dean has to come to gripse with the fact that God commanded an angel (Castiel) to drag him out of hell because "God has plans for him". Dean is confused and angry when he asks, "What does God want with me?" and later on, "If He doesn't exist, fine. Bad crap happens to good people. That's how it is. And no rhyme or reason, just random horrible, evil. I get it. Okay? I can roll with that. But if He is out there, what's wrong with Him? Where the hell is He while all these decent people are getting torn to shreds? How does He live with Himself? You know, why doesn't He help?" Fast forward to, well, really any situation involving Sam, and we see him praying We see him broken before God asking for help. We see him coming to God countless times over the seasons when he's at the end of his rope. He's a stubborn man, that Dean Winchester, but we're seeing changes in him that can only happen through faith and acceptance.

I could sit here and defend the show all day, pulling mini-sermons from every episode, but who really wants to read that? Just watch the show. It's equally thrilling and funny. You'll be hooked. You'll find yourselves reading the Bible to check their facts. You'll realize that, as a Christian, you should probably be serving God more like Sam and Dean. This earth is a battlefield, guys. Even seemingly normal people are fighting some battle. I'm not saying you should start carrying holy water and salt everywhere you go, but maybe be a little more perceptive to what's going on around you and realize that you can do something. 

Oh, and you'll never listen to "Carry On My Wayward Son" the same way again. 

A customer came in to get this done all fancy-schmancy and I thought it was cute.

You crossed my mind today

as you so often do

and I stopped for just a moment

and said a prayer for you.

I asked our dear Lord

to be with you this day

I prayed He might send

a small blessing your way

Perhaps a smile from a stranger

a kind gesture or deed

to hear a sweet verse

to fulfill a need

I prayed for you wisdom

for guidance and strength

to feel the presence of angels

and the warmth of their wings

I prayed for your worries

I prayed for your fears

I prayed for your happiness

your joys and your tears

As I finished my prayer

I realized I too

had received my own blessing

with my thoughts of you