Silent Battles

In light of recent events, today I'm going off script and writing about something that I've been moderately open with over the years.

Depression.

Depression effects more than 17.5 million people in the United States. It's estimated that 60% of those suffering with depression do not seek professional help. Depression effects people of all ages, races, and social classes. You are not an exception.

I have suffered with depression for most of the last ten years. As a 14-year old with social issues and a temper, I was repeatedly told "It's a phase. You'll grow out of it." and "It's just teen angst. Be patient." It wasn't until I graduated high school, that I was able to find a doctor who not only believed me when I told him what I was feeling, but gave me steps to help treat it. I was put on anti-depressants for five years. I have been in counseling. I spent years (years!) letting people tell me that I could be freed from this spirit of depression. Have you ever had people plan a night of intercessory prayer and you just sit there like, "Uh... guys... this isn't working..."? That happened on more than one occasion, actually.

Depression is not something that can be fixed. It can be treated. It can be managed. If there is one thing I've learned from suffering with depression, and watching loved ones suffer as well, you are never really free. It can take a single moment to snap you back into the void. Sometimes, it's gradual, and before you realize it, you're lost.

I don't want to limit what God can do in healing people at all. I'm not saying He can't. I'm not saying He doesn't. He can free you, absolutely, but just like anything else, it's not forever. You can be healed from cancer, but it can also return years later. It's the same thing. God has the power to heal you, but that doesn't make it permanent. Sometimes, you have to accept that this is your cross to bear, and take steps to manage it according to the opinion of a professional, whether it be pastoral, medical, or psychological.

Like I mentioned, I wasn't taken seriously in my battle with depression until after I graduated high school. I was taking medication to help level my mood swings, etc. The thing about anti-depressants is you have to take them all the time. You can't just take it if you're having a bad day. You have to have that medicine continually in your system in order for it to work. I hate taking medication, so this didn't appeal to me. However, I did it (most days), and it worked. I still had my blue days, but they were fewer and fewer. I was doing so well that I stopped my medication. Life was good. I was happy. I let people into my life that I believed were positive influences, and in some ways they were. They pushed me to be better and try new things. It became an addiction. An unattainable addiction. And one day, I lost my mind. Literally. I don't remember weeks at a time from last year. I weighed a scary 110 pounds at my breaking point. I lost my job, I lost my apartment, I lost my friends... I became so focused on reaching this level (of someone else's idea) of perfection that it caused me to have a mental breakdown. I've come to realize that all I needed was to be loved, but the people who I looked to for that love left at the first sign of trouble. My family saved my life. It was a very difficult thing to go through. Even now, its hard to accept that I can't remember most of last spring.

How did I overcome it? Well, I'm not taking any medication. Not this time. That's a personal choice, though. I felt like the side effects of the medicine weren't worth it. I got involved in my church. It was "like falling asleep. Slowly, then all at once." I started going to a small group every other week. Then I started working in the pre-school class once a month. Now I'm a youth leader. All of this, along with regular services and youth events - total emersion in the Lord's work. "Pouring into the lives of the people around you allows room for them to pour into yours." I thought it clichéd until this past year. I was able to get a good job, and though there have been a few hiccups in the process, it's been a great growing experience. I've been blessed with people that haven't let me say no to opportunities - but it's been out of love. They see something in me that I don't. They see the person I am and the gifts I have and have loved me enough to show me how to use them to help others.

I'm not going to lie, I struggle. Daily. I still have days where I "blackout"... I don't remember what I did that day, what I said to people. It's scary to think I'm doing so well, but am still experiencing these set-backs. The key to overcoming depression is to take it one day at a time. But the most important thing to do is to talk to someone. You are not alone. There are people who are going through exactly what you're going through who can help you.

Today, we remember those who have lost their battle with depression. The warm smiles that hid so much pain. The laughter that was so infectious, yet so foreign. The hugs that were always "too tight and too long" that you now wish were longer. To the ones we know and the ones we don't, I don't think apologies could make a difference, but know that our eyes and hearts are more open to those around us. We're all fighting battles.