Train Wrecks or Pure Hearts?

What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...

 

 

 

 

As much as I hate to admit it, I am emotional. I experience emotions on a much larger scale that is difficult for even me to grasp at times.

 

 

 

Do you remember when Kristen Bell was on Ellen, discussing her dream come true of partying with a sloth? She said, "If I'm not between a three and a seven on the emotional scale, I'm crying."

This is so unbelievably true for me. While I'm not in the fetal position in hysterics, I'm fighting it. Hard. I want to cry all the time. Not for any reason in particular, either. Let me tell you - it's exhausting.

 

Whether it's nostalgia, loneliness, joy, excitement, or a moment of overwhelming peace, it's guaranteed there is a knot in my throat.

 

I love it just as much as I hate it. Like I said, it's exhausting. I don't just get annoyed, I get irritated. I skip over the whole jealousy thing and go straight to the green-eyed monster. When I'm hurt, there is nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. (Except Frankie, but.. I mean, come on!) When I'm angry, well, let's just say the Hulk's got nothing on me. But I fight the intensity of these feelings. That's why it is exhausting. I'm really good at fighting my feelings. "Conceal. Don't feel. Don't let them knoooww." That would be the downside of being a pastor's kid. I know I rag on being a pastor's kid, but I just don't think people understand that things are a lot more 7th Heaven's later scandalous years than the early wholesome episodes of the mid-nineties. Nevertheless, we prevailed - stronger and wiser. Unfortunately, some habits don't die. The picture-perfect oldest daughter of a senior pastor that congregations all over the eastern United States can't seem to shake the notion that I am allowed to have feelings, and it's okay to show them sometimes.

 

Back in April, I accepted an offer to be a youth leader at my church. I was reluctant, mostly because I have always been intimidated by teenagers. Even when I was one, I hung out with adults. (Oldest child syndrome, I think.) Anyway, I said yes, and this has been the best decision I've made in a long time. I love every single person that walks into the room. I don't fully understand it, but I'm committing myself 100% to this group of students. It's been hard - I won't lie. I've gone to several people for advice, and while some of them were helpful, most of them gave me this solid advice: "Relax. Stop worrying about it. Don't over-think it. Just keep doing what you're doing." Am I scared I'm screwing this up every single day? Yes. Am I worried one of these kids is going to take my advice the wrong way? More than you know. Do I think someone else is better suited for this position? Absolutely. But someone saw something in me, and I have to have faith in that. I have to see what they see, and trust it. I realized this past week that out of everything that is going on in my life right now, being a youth leader is the one thing I don't screw up on a daily basis. At least, to the best of my knowledge. 

 

Today I participated in the Ice Bucket Challenge. I wasn't going to, despite being nominated twice. I donated money, but I really didn't think my pouring water on my head was going to make a difference in the world of ALS awareness. One of my co-worker's husbands died a couple of years ago after battling ALS for years. I knew this, and felt the need to donate. When our CEO challenged the entire company, I groaned. Out loud. (I was at home when I got the memo, so I didn't actually make a fool out of myself.) A few of us were discussing it at work, and it was mentioned that "if you don't participate, you're an *expletive* and not a team player..." blah, blah, blah. And that made me mad. So mad, that I was going to take a personal day and not have to deal with it. Last night, I had a dream about my co-worker. I woke up, packed some extra clothes, and went to work fully prepared to take this Ice Bucket Challenge. Not for the company. Not for the sake of following through with a nomination. For my co-worker. My work mom. My "not putting up with office bull crap" partner-in-crime. So I stood beside her today as I dumped a bucket of (mostly) ice on my head for ALS awareness. The joy that exuded from this woman was so contagious. It made me proud to be soaking wet for no other reason but to say "Yes, I donated to make a difference." It may seem stupid to you, but to my co-worker (white "Walk to Defeat ALS" shirt), this was one of the best days of her life. She could not stop thanking this team. It seemed so insignificant, but to her, it meant so, so much.

 

 

 

 

My point:
When I allow my feelings, whatever they may be, to be focused on others in a positive way, it's not so tiring. It's... exhilarating. And even when I focus on myself, it's exhilerating. To feel things with your whole heart and not hold back - why haven't I been doing this?! Feel every emotion. Embrace every feeling, whether it be negative or positive.

**Do you see how unorganized this post is? This is my brain. All the time. I am constantly sorting through thoughts and stories and ideas to get to what I want to say. I don't always succeed. So when I babble, hang on a minute - I'll eventually say what I need to say. :)

 

And now I leave you with this bubble-gum pop song from a Disney Channel movie of the early 2000's era. You're welcome.