...just you wait.
In a world where everything is automatic and the entire universe is readily available at our fingertips, it can be extremely difficult to wait. Even when God inescapably tells you over and over again, you grow impatient. Trust in God is a nice thought, a beautiful song, and (at times) a frustrating existence.
Every day, I'm faced with people and situations where feelings were trusted more than the idea that God or the universe had something better planned. They have found love, success in their careers, expansion in their families. They're buying houses and traveling the world. It seems that those of us earnestly seeking guidance and answers are sitting here - waiting.
Waiting in obedience.
Waiting in hope.
Waiting in joy.
Waiting in faith.
Waiting in anticipation.
Waiting in growing discouragement.
You see, scripture tells me that God gave us dreams and desires, and if I take delight in Him, He will add them unto me. So if God gives these desires and tells us to wait, we can only assume that they are coming our way. But what if they don't? What if it turns out that, while God gives you dreams, they're still not the dreams He has for you? I don't believe He is a God of confusion, but I've seen plenty of evidence to support that theory.
The couples struggling with infertility.
The financial burdens of so many hard-working people.
The terminally ill waiting for a cure.
We all hope for something. We all have something (or several somethings) that we want more than the next.
For me, I want what everyone wants, just maybe not in the same capacity. Love, a family, a job that I love, the independent life I thought I'd be living at this point. But the one thing I want over everything else, the one thing that would make me happier that all of those other things combined because it is the one thing that hinders or effects all if these things -
freedom from my anxiety.
The feelings of high stress, nervousness, and worry.
The sensations of shaking that have turned into very obvious shaking.
The mood swings.
The intensity of emotions.
The inability to control them every minute of every day.
The energy it takes to wake up every morning.
The complete exhaustion from just the thought of encountering people.
The coping mechanisms that don't ever seem to work.
The immediate jumping to the conclusion that someone is dead if they don't answer their phone.
The fear of the house burning down and loved ones being trapped at night.
The nausea.
The migraines.
The stomach aches.
The chest pains.
The restless nights.
The difficulty breathing.
The irritability.
The total lack of control.
The toll it's taking on my life and the ones of those I love.
More than anything, I want to rediscover ambition and lose the inhibitions to go after them. I want to lose the negativity and the hurt and the rejection and the fear of these things happening in my relationships.
I want to believe that anxiety isn't my cross to bear. But since it appears to be true, I want to believe that I will find ways to manage it because I am more than this affliction.
Without you pulling it, the tide comes in. Without you twirling it, the earth can spin. Without you pushing them, the clouds roll by. If they can do without you, Ducky, so can I!
No comments:
Post a Comment