...but what if it's not well with my soul?

Having been awake since four o'clock, I'm sitting here, the end of July, in fuzzy socks, jeans, and a hoodie at six o'clock in the morning. I hear owls making their final calls, geese flying above me, the occasional car on the adjacent street, the wind chimes from my grandmother's funeral. I feel an abnormally chilly breeze, and see a lightening sky despite the sun trying to hold onto a few more minutes of sleep. A four year old is sleeping on the living room floor just on the other side of the door, completely innocent and hopeful. A four year old that deserves a much better world than what we're in. A four year old that has yet to experience the pains of this world in a capacity that shakes his entire being. A four year old that, despite his age, still knows things that we don't. A four year old that somehow changes everything all the time for the absolute better.

__________________________

I use my brain, listen to my heart, and trust my gut.

To a fault, I do these things. An annoyingly, disastrous fault.

Here's the thing, though: my soul controls all of them.

Whatever state my soul is in consumes my every thought, emotion, and action.

Lately, despite the smile I put on my face, my soul is not okay. My soul is

•tired

•burdened

•ashamed

•lonely

•angry

•disappointed

•weary

My soul has had enough:

•babies granted to unfit parents instead of loving ones struggling to conceive or unable to afford adoption

•suicide

•murder

•budget cuts and unemployment

•political correctness

•foster care and adoption

•cancer

•addictions

•the overall mistreatment of people

And I'm not alone. I know you are, too. We look at this world and everything in it and hate what it does. We hate that it judges and lies and hates. But I think the thing we hate most about it is that it steals.

It steals our joy, our happiness, our motivation, our optimism, our innocence... it steals away our loved ones.

I'm watching the world rapidly become less and less. We are losing good, sweet, loving people everyday. We're losing smiles and laughter. We're losing hugs and words of encouragement. We're losing friends, family, co-workers, neighbors - sometimes all of the above. We're losing random trips to the movies. We're losing "Wanna grab some wings after work?" We're losing "Just thought I'd stop in and say 'hi'". To us, it's a heartbreaking defeat. To everyone else, though.... it's just a face in the newspaper.

Behind that picture is a life. A person who was born, lived, and has now passed on. And in that living, they LIVED. They loved and were loved in return. They were devoted in whatever their role was - mother, father, sister, brother, grandmother, grandfather, uncle, aunt, cousin, etc. They were educated, worked hard, and lived with integrity. They helped those in need, and were always there for anyone who needed them. They were strong. They were loving. They were caring. They were protective. They were somebody's entire world. Everything important to them happened in the dash on the gravestone. The lifespan of each person varies, but the size of the dash is always the same.

None of this is okay with me. None of it. And I know this will sound selfish, but I'm extremely jealous of anyone who has family members alive that I don't. My friends are posting four and five generation family photos. I won't have that. I had lost grandparents before I was even born. I am 26 years old and have one living grandparent. ONE. And I do not take that for granted. That doesn't stop me from the occasional depression that comes when I realize how many people I only spent a short amount of time with. 

They say "only the good die young", but that's not entirely true. Only the good die. Period.

All of this sadness and sorrow and loss - none of it is okay with me. 

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll...

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say

"It is well, it is well with my soul."

It's not well with my soul. 

It is not well with my soul to watch my family experience heartache after heartache and not be able to do anything about it. It is not well with my soul to be woken up at four o'clock in the morning to find out another family member or friend has passed. It is not well with my soul to have had plans with someone, only to have them die before we could do them. It is not well with my soul to have spent all week knowing something bad was going to happen, but not know what that was. It is not well with my soul that I spent last night thinking a four year old had simply mixed up his pronouns when he said "He's high in the sky like Shadow. I miss him. I want to talk to him."

It is not well with my soul....

....and I desperately want it to be.