I was jamming out to my radio when a song came on that brought me to tears. A song I have heard a hundred times, though not in quite a few years. It was a reminder of our testimony.
The song? Held by Natalie Grant.
During this four minute song, my mind replayed more than five years of emotional damage, how everyone's lives effected the other, and how we never thought we'd make it. I prayed this song a lot during those five years. While the song is about losing a child to illness, it's a powerful reminder that God promises He will be there for us, holding us when we can't seem to find the strength to stand.
It was one thing after another. Mental breakdowns, divorces, moves, new jobs, rifts in the church, relationships ending.... the normal stuff. And for most families, they might not have been so involved and upset about it all. But my family doesn't work that way. When you marry one of us, you get the whole lot. Not metaphorically. No, no.... you get all of us, all of our opinions, all of our stupid quirks. We're invested. So when you divorce one of us, we all feel it. When one of us moves, we all do it. When one of us hates someone, we (usually!) all hate them. We're everything to each other, even when I may hate them. So, when all of this was happening, we never had a chance to come up for air before a new obstacle showed up. It was like frickin' Whack-A-Mole.
I remember reading a book called "The Beauty of Broken" by Elisa Morgan during this time. (One of my Ollie's finds.... I had never heard of her until I picked up this book.) This is her memoir. This is a story about everything in her life that seemed unfixable that God turned around. She had to give it to Him first. In an excerpt from this book, Elisa writes: "God hallows broken families. God holds broken families. God helps broken families. God heals broken families." I remember praying this prayer so many times. We were all so broken in different ways that the unit was starting to crumble. I wanted God to wrap us in His arms and heal us. But, man! He was taking His sweet, sweet time!! Things were getting worse before they were getting better. Resentment and bitterness were settling in. Fear and anxiety took the reigns on any formality of a family gathering. We even went as far as walking on glass at the risk of starting an argument. Time bombs were strategically placed throughout our lives and we never knew when they would go off. It was an extremely stressful time trying to get through life. It's funny how the rest of the world keeps going when you have personal issues. Everyone was trying their best, but it wasn't good enough. The black-and-white observer of the world in me struggled immensely with grace. I struggled extending it to my sisters who I thought were selfish and I struggled to extend it to my parents who took a job at a church I really didn't like under leadership I had grown to loathe. I struggled to show patience and understanding. I was thrown into things I wasn't ready for. I was dealt hands I didn't ask for. I had to learn to go with the flow. The rapid, uncontrollable flow.
Those years were rough. Every day was a terrifying thing - not knowing what was coming our way. Not knowing if we would have a chance to breathe or if anything was actually making a difference. Looking back now, I can see that we were held by the loving Father that He is. There was never a moment that we weren't. He was healing us individually at different rates to allow for a healing in our family unit. I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't be the fighter for people that I am today, one who's protective to a fault. I wouldn't have the patience for children that I have today. I wouldn't be so willing to help people out. By going through these things, I ended up in therapy for eight months. In those sessions, I learned so much life-changing stuff that I have actually been able to share with other people to help them get through things. My sister is a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, and I'm not so convinced. However, there was a master plan going on during this time that cannot be ignored.
If you had told me back in 2015 that we'd be where we are today, I would have shrugged you off because we were almost past the point of no return. We all laugh, goof off, hang out, go to each others houses, help each other out... we are healing. We are far from perfect in every possible way. But, my goodness... we are still the McConnells and now that we know we can overcome this stuff, Lord help the next demon sent our way.
(February 2019)
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I wrote this entry back in February. I almost threw something when I opened it and read it today. I have so much to say about the demons that were sent our way the following month. The slithering of the barracuda lurking in the grass. The sharp pain and searing venom of the lies and rumors that surrounded our name. Even the friends we held dear showed to be under the influence of the false hope that was presented in a convincing package of revival. I had a friend ask me if everything was alright, and if everyone was in good spiritual health. I was angry for just a short second because she knows my family. But in an even shorter second, I understood why she asked. The vagueness of the stories that were told from the only source allowed to speak about it lead people to believe whatever sinful story they could manufacture.
I was talking to my parents about this last night. In light of everything going on, it's the non-church members who have been there the most for us. It's the barflies and the Easter/Christmas church goers. And it's because non-believers look for the good in people, and Christians look for the sin in people. They look for ways to help people out of their darkness, they skip over the already good qualities of people. The ones that look for the good in people are tired of the crap that is out there - the hatred, the meanness, the judgment, the cruel reality. I have to tell you, I didn't care for the lyric in Billy Joel's song "Only the Good Die Young" that said "I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints", but I honestly have never felt it more than I have in the last two months. I have had more shoulders to cry on and ears to vent to from non-believers who don't doubt for a second the integrity of my family. I know what you're thinking: where are your church friends at, Caitlin? I wish I knew. I honestly don't know who I can trust anymore. And that's a sad situation to be in. It's not our battle to fight, or so I've been told, but I'm sporting my shield of truth and everything seems to be making it's way around it.
I guess the first part of this still stands. He held us then, He's holding us now. The sacred has been torn from our lives and we have somehow survived. His promises are true - yesterday, today, and forever. Sometimes we just need to let Him hold us, let Him cradle us, and whisper to our souls.