I Need You To Love Me

"You're a God who has all things and still You want me."

I've been struggling with decisions lately. More specifically, the decisions that other people make. My opinionated nature often shadows my compassion. It's not that I don't have compassion because I do. Sometimes it's just.... misplaced. It's pushed to the side while my mouth spills the judgment or criticism that my mind inexplicably cannot keep to itself. It's a flaw, and one that I've come pretty far at rectifying. Nevertheless, I'm still working on it.

Some situations have come to light that created a weird order of emotions.

• relief
• confusion
• doubt
• anger
• disappointment
• and then back to confusion
• only to be lead to acceptance

I prayed and prayed and prayed. Sometimes those prayers where nothing more than me asking, "What am I supposed to do?" While it seemed like forever, it was only a few days into the praying for these situations when God spoke very clearly to me. It was an audible voice saying the most simplest of truths.

"I need you to love them."

I thought I already was?

"No, no... love them like you ask Me to love you - in spite of everything."

I agreed to work on that, even though I was completely convinced I already had that figured out. I mean, afterall, my feelings were not based on hate. My confusion was not because of my enemies. A few days later I rediscovered an old Spotify playlist. On that playlist was an amazing song from my youth group days. I was psyched to hear it because of the memories it brought back. And then the lyrics began. And I sobbed. I understood what God was saying just a few days prior. 

"Why, why are You still with me? Didn't You see what I've done? In my shame I want to run and hide myself, but it's here I see the truth - I don't deserve You."

How many times have I done things to either myself or to another person that I felt were unforgivable? And yet there was not judgment, no stone throwing, no mention of my past. As a friend recently shared with me, "Tell them God has dropped the charges!" My acceptance of the situations did not run as deep as I thought. In that moment, driving on a back road in early spring, I realized that my "roll with it" attitude wasn't enough. And it was such an elementary idea to just love them. In spite of everything. 

The other day I had a very good conversation someone I've grown fond of last couple of years. Despite the harassment we dish out to each other on a daily basis, there is a lot mutual respect. During that particular days dose of harassment, I mentioned how sometimes I hate that my parents raised me to be nice to people regardless of the feelings I may be feeling toward them at that particular moment. SO many people just think we're okay and friends while on the inside I'm melting their brains out of their ears. He smiled at me and said "Your parents didn't make you this way. Your relationship with Him did. They only fostered it. You have more compassion than you realize. It's your default setting. Stop being frustrated. You're doing it right." I looked at him, kind of skeptical, kind of in shock. "Do you know how much of a doormat I am sometimes?" He laughed. "Well, at least their feet are cleaner for knowing you."

I really took his words to heart, because I always saw this as a curse. It may still be some days, but the rest of the time... man, what a blessing! I know who those people are in my life and to think I may be that person to someone else - wow!

I do know this - 2020 has been a year of tests. Covid-19 struggles aside, I've never felt more challenged. Looking back, it doesn't seem so bad, but man - I really didn't think I was going to make it. I didn't think my family was going to make it. And we still might not. I might not. But today we are okay. We are all healthy. We are all looking forward to things. We are all celebrating what deserves to be celebrated. We have a Living Hope and we are forgiven. We extend that forgiveness to others because at the end of the day, we all want one thing: to be loved in spite of everything.